Finally in reunion with my son..

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Re: Finally in reunion with my son..

Postby Turtle » Wed Dec 18, 2013 9:49 am

cleo wrote: although i feel anger now at the SS for, how can i put it..lying....telling me he would be adopted in another part of the country..then 30 years on finding out he has lived just up the road!!!!


I wonder if anyone knows if this was common? I would have assumed that most local authorities kept children within their area. All the people I know that have been adopted were placed near to their b.parents. I was certainly within the same county as my b.mother and realistically, only a short drive away.

cleo wrote:i'm not the 16 year old who did'nt realise the deep harm we'd both go through, even though he has had a great life i could never of dreamed of giving him.


I am sure you were told at the time, as it seems quite common, that the child would be put with "perfect" parents who would offer the child "a life that you could not". In fact, these people were just human, like you and also made mistakes. These parents were not perfect, like most people, they were just doing the best they could.

I don't think you should think of your son as having a great life that you could never have dreamed of giving him. What he had was a different life. The scars that a child sufferers, when removed from a parent, are deep. No amount of perfect parenting, can necessarily heal those. My own a.parents made mistakes. They weren't perfect, but did the best they could, but the pain of being removed from my b.mother, has had major repercussions in my life. So my life with my a.parents wasn't necessarily better, it was just different. I often wonder how I would have fared in life, if I had had the chance to stay with my b.mother and whether I would have suffered the psychological fallout that I have had to deal with for years.
Turtle
 
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Re: Finally in reunion with my son..

Postby cleo » Wed Dec 18, 2013 3:29 pm

Dear Turtle,

I have wondered that too, would things of been different if i did keep him, i know he would'nt of had all the holidays that he's had and i probably would'nt of been able to put him through uni like his A.parents did...he has a great job and i'm very proud of the young man he has become.
I realise too after reading more into adoptee's and how they feel too that he must being suffering, not in the same way, but he must be really hurt, and the fact that we got on at our reunion may of been more pressure for him in some to try and understand why i did'nt keep him, even though he says he understood why i did what i did, he said that as the years went on he often thought that me being so young was the reason i gave him up.

I have never thought deep down what would happen if he came looking for me, because as time went on, i began to think he would never look for me, and because i had no idea what so ever about him..where would i look, would he want to know me, in fact the same questions he was asking himself over the years too..;but the thing that was stopping him was his loyalty to his mum and dad and he did'nt want to hurt them and he thought that perhaps in looking for me it might of damaged his relationship with them.

I guess we will never know now as his dad has passed away ;-( Its wierd that there are things that i have totally no idea, for example at the hospital i can see myself lying in the bed holding onto my son, i'm holding onto a bundle but have no idea what my son looks like or even the colour of his hair, that sounds auwful, yet i can remember holding on tight to him not wanting to let go.

Now i have a few baby photos of him that he sent to me, and i keep one close by on my phone, trying to picture him in my arms , but i can't, i only have images of a little bundle ;-(
cleo
 
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Re: Finally in reunion with my son..

Postby ssbnh » Thu Jan 16, 2014 10:32 am

Hi all.
I know it has been sometime since i have been on. But i had the Flu and was really ill for 4 week's. Anyway, i hope you are all ok? I have read all the post's and suggested link's and i would like to thank you all, for your insight, into your own adoption stories, so to speak.
A couple of thing's have happened i had 6 txt messages on christmas day, a phone call on boxing day and 3 more messages on new years day. I wouldn't say it is or was magical, but i am looking at it all now, differently. I think i was blinkered and truly thought that my son would love and have missed me exactly, like i have him. It sound's very naive but i imagined for all these year's that it would just be a wonderful happy ever after. The reality of it all, however is so different. Everything is so raw, you are taken back to the saddest part of your life, that for me i have tried to bury deep somewhere. It resurfaces as if only yesterday so that is like you are reliving all the feeling's. Then the happiness that follow's, the day we finally met it mended my broken heart. But in the midst of these totally opposite feeling's. I have had the feeling's of, if only i had done this or that. Imagining my life with 2 children. And i know that an older and wiser me, would have done thing's differently, it for me is letting go of these feeling's that is so hard.
I know that i need to find a place in my heart of acceptance. What i did i did, i can't change it and no amount of wishing will ever do that. It is hard to set out on this, journey because my heart is full of love for my baby boy. My head know's he is all grown up, i still love him with all that i am. I hope that he can learn to like me maybe even 1 day to love me. I ask for nothing else. He still doesn't call me by name or anything, not sure if he know's what to call me.
It must be hard for him, he has known from a very young age he was adopted. i have sensed over a couple of our conversation's that he is not close to his family and he wishes he had been close to his a.mum and he would do anything to make her happy. I feel this is perhaps the reason he hasn't told her, he has now said what could she do about it anyway. He rarely sees her. I didn't comment about that directly but however, i did say to him don't be harsh that is so unkind. He actually said he was sorry for saying it. I wonder if that was a test for me.
I think i took all his nasty comment's to heart, i still think he had some degree of anger toward's me. But he now seem's to understand more, and realizes the 24 year passage of time. Does see me now as a middle aged woman, who is older wiser settled, and i am not that frightened girl all on my own. He has said he is glad i always thought about him, as he always thought about me. This does make me sad as i know i always thought of him with a sadness in my heart. I just hope he hasn't always thought like that. That makes me sad for him, when i wanted him to have had a truly happy life.
I know that i am very new to this reunion journey being almost 6 month's in. But it feel's like so much longer because i think you are taken back in time. I just hope that we can move forward even if for now it is only a weekly txt or phone call. Perhaps we can let our relationship build slowly. Well i truly hope so, i love my son. But the truth is i don't know him and he doesn't know me that is what we have got to work on. That is a sad fact, another that you aren't prepared for.
Anyway i am rambling now, my love to you all.
Never ever give up, may we all have continued inner peace xxxxxxxxx
ssbnh
 
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Re: Finally in reunion with my son..

Postby sylvie » Thu Jan 16, 2014 11:39 am

Hello ssbnh

I can understand and relate to virtually all you have written.

In my naivity, I also thought reunion would simply be an opportunity to finally express our mother/son love - something we were denied by the closed adoption system of the time.
Because that mother-love in me felt so enduring, and because I remembered so much about my son - how I used to talk to him during my pregnancy, how he felt wriggling about in my womb, how it felt to give birth to him, how his skin and little hands felt and smelled (which I can remember now), and how profoundly excited I felt to see him the first time I was taken to the pre-adoption foster home - I didn't realise that his experience was entirely different.

He had no conscious memories of me at all, only unconscious ones.
He had been fed a shedload of assumptions about me, based on society's view of relinquishing mothers.
He had a heart full of deep hurt and painful questions and wrong conclusions about why I hadn't kept him.
He had an entire childhood of growing up in another family, the only family he knew for many years and with whom he has developed deep familial feelings.

A few years after our reunion, I've realised that I initially saw my son's adoption and reunion only from my own viewpoint.
I hadn't understood that he had experienced something very different and very difficult by being adopted.
That led to some very painful waking up on my part, but I'm glad I did. It means I am more there for my son.
Through the painful times, I've gradually come to understand more and more of what he's experienced and how he feels and why.
I can't know all of it, but the more I know, the more real our relationship is.

i know that an older and wiser me, would have done thing's differently


I know that this older and wiser me would definitely have done things differently, but then I have so much more personal and social power now than I had back then.
When I look back to then, I still can't find that little point which could've changed things.
It needed others to act differently for the outcome to be different - my parents to offer some support for a short while, social workers to tell me about the help that was available. There were things I couldn't change - my young age, my dependency both financially and emotionally on my parents, my undeveloped world view, my continally eroded belief in myself as a good mother for my son - so I needed help from those older than me. The lack of that help led to everything that followed.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
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Re: Finally in reunion with my son..

Postby cleo » Tue Jan 21, 2014 8:45 pm

Dear ssbn and sylvie,

I have to agree with you both, these last couple of months, especially over christmas and beiginning of january..i sent my son a text wishing a merry christmas..but nothing in return, then beginning of january it was his birthday, i wrote hima short text wishing him a lovely day...no reply then a week later it was my birthday...no reply..........
I have had time to think alot of things over and over again, but i guess i just have to accept that he wants nothing to do with me....at least not for the moment anyway.

Maybe he was only out, as somebody did say, just to know what happened and find out his roots, and now that he knows he can carry on with his life, and that i have to face defeat.

I have decided that this year i will start (after waiting nearly 2 years for a mail and a year for a text) that i have to carry on with my life like i had done for the last 30 years..knowing he is out there somewhere, but knowing he has grown into a fine young man with a family of his own and doing well in life. I will try not to breakdown like i did over christmas (sadly i got into such a state one night, just woke up one night crying unstoppably) my husband comforted me. I realise its not fair on him either and have to control my deep feelings i have, its not going to be easy, but if i don't get a grip i think it will tear me apart. At the moment i'm doing ok, i had a tear on my birthday but nothing major like over christmas.

My son knows how i feel about him and that i love him with all my heart, always have and always will. I cannot change the fact that he doe'sn't want no contact with me, even though at our reunion he said we'd have a lifetime of getting to know each other.

When i think back i feel so stupid believing all he said, i'm not a trusting person at the best of times, but i trusted him and was always honest with him. Mistake or not, i will never know.

I never had help at the beginning from anyone, not SS or my parents, its as if my son's birth never happened, and have had to live with this for the past 30 years, its only recently that i have really faced the facts of what happened all those years ago, what i went through at such a young age, going through my exams being pregant, giving up all my activities i enjoyed, getting a job, then losing it due to giving birth, then to finally move away from family and friends to start a new life.........its only now i realise what i went through.

My son has grown up in a very loving family where he is close to his mum and his dad, who sadly died a couple of years ago, so maybe he has enough love from them, plus his girlfreinds mum too as she looks after his son most days of the week. I guess having 3 grandmothers is abit much!!!

I would like to thankyou all for in one way or another helping me find my feet too, and trying to understand from all points of view about the adoption and birthmums, reunions etc, whatever way...its not all flowers and cosy like on the tv.even though i cannot see the adoption programmes i have heard about them. Its a heart wrencing experience on both sides and there are so many un explained emotions/feelings going on, and everyone is different in the situation.

I hope one day i can come back onto this site with good news saying my son has got in contact, but i think i have to face reality that it is unlikely that will happen :-(

I really hoped that after not hearing from him that he would of sent me a message for my birthday,i wonder if he did think of me at all on that day, but like his girlfriend told me at the very beginning, my son has a heart of stone.

My husband says that i have been lucky to know that my son is doing well where'as before i knew nothing about him, and that i have to accept that he is a grown man with a family of his own. I know all of this, but my heart is still heavy, sometimes its difficult to write down what i'm feeling, but i'm sure most of you understand too.

Thankyou all for listening and i wish you all the very best for the coming year, take care of yourselves, its nice to know we have somewhere to come when we need to.
cleo
 
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Re: Finally in reunion with my son..

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:22 pm

Two of the points you make, Cleo, are probably the most important for any reuniting b.mother to try to keep in mind.......one is of course the one that your husband made, about you knowing now, that your son is ok ......ok he might not be perhaps the best 'together' of individuals as his girlfriend gives the clue to some of his inner thoughts...... but he is alive, well, and doing as well as most people can expect to.....he has a job and a family..... which is more than a lot of people have at the moment.....

The other, very important point you make, is that reunion is not all soft and fluffy as it is made out to be on the television reunion programmes........

........I watch these with my cynical head on, and often wonder at the so many unanswered questions that, as an adoptee, I can spot on there......and I am sure that the b.mothers on our site will spot as well........... huge gaps about how the a.parents and siblings/half siblings/other family members react ....... huge gaps about where and how b.fathers are regarded by the adoptee ........ all sorts of things that the whole reunion business is going to throw up by way of difficulty in the ongoing lives of all the players in the drama...... because that is what it is to the television people, a 'drama', or a fairy story with a fairy story ending, just as if they were putting on a play.....and of course the reunion is never the 'ending', it is very much the beginning of an ongoing change to a lot of peoples' lives..........and it makes me cross because these are real lives and emotions that are being trivialised for 'effect', and for audience ratings .....real life is just not like it is shown on these programmes......of course, the adoption side of the audience who are already at the various stages of the reunion life will know this........ but those who have not started yet can be given a very unrealistic view of things, which may lead them to make mistakes, and cause themselves, and others, extreme pain...

... if the programmes were being honest, and wanting to give a complete picture of the events, then they would give the honest reactions of the a.parents, and also that of the wider family, and would trace b.fathers to see how they felt......and would talk to husbands to see how they felt, especially if they had not known .......... but of course that would take the programme into a different ball park.........and would either end up as an ongoing Jeremy Kyle, sort of 'real soap opera'..........or it could possibly be taken into the area of a proper serious documentary..........the latter would be preferable, but the strain on all the 'players' would be very great.........and what the program makers want is the short attention span 'quick fix' type of television......hmmph......

Don't feel that you cannot go on coming here, and posting here, just because you are trying to 'shut the door' on your feelings........go on, if you need to, using the site to perhaps release thoughts and feelings that you are trying to shield your family from.......you obviously have a caring and loving husband ....... but we often do not want to constantly load our feelings onto our nearest and dearest...... and the thoughts and feelings have to go somewhere........so keep coming here if you feel the need .......

((hugs))

LA.
ladyarcher
 
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Re: Finally in reunion with my son..

Postby cleo » Fri Jan 24, 2014 5:57 pm

Hi Lady archer,

ye syou have definately hit the nail on the head about the tv programmes, i don't get to see them in full, i only got a glimpse and then looked on youtube to see abit more about it, but its not all fairy tale, i'm finding it hard to come to grasps the way my son came looking for me, then acts as though i never existed. I think thats what hurts me the most and his promises at the beginning which i believed, more fool me i say to myself now. With his birth dad i told myself i was naive and now with my son i tell myself i was stupid to believe anything they had said. Ah well, we live and learn...i'm coming to face the facts that i'll probably never hear from my son again, i've gotten through the pain once before, i'm sure i can manage it again.....as the saying goe's...what doe'snt kill you can only make you stronger...not sure about that, but life goe's on.

Like you pointed out, i don't want to keep burdening my hubby with "my" past...i'm lucky for him understanding, but wish i knew what he really thought too, even though he replies he's ok with it, he just finds it hard when i have a really bad time, like i did at christmas...i was a wreck, i could'nt for the life of me control my feelings and tears, i vowed after the two times i went through that...that this year i would'nt let it get the better of me...my son doe'snt seem to worry how i feel, so why should i get so upset!!!!

Its really hard coming to terms with how i'm feeling, there are days when i can say...yes i'm on top of this...then after a while, for no reason, i will be chatting away and then the tears flow................its madness really, and looking back i feel silly letting my emotions run away.

I wish there was an easy option in all of this, like i said in a earlier post, i have only really started coming to terms about my being a b.mum and the adoption.....i have hidden it under layers and layers of emotions, never to surface..;but when my son came looking for me everything just crumbled around me, and when he left, i had to face what had happened back then.

I'm not sure what you mean about my son not being the best "together" of individuals? Yes his girlfriend told me he has a heart of stone, but at that time i thought he was like most men who just hide their feelings because of being a man, and men don't show their feelings or cry!!

Yes he has done really well in life, and even though he told me he was abit of a loner, i know that niether is entirely true, he has a boat load of friends, social and work. He is always out doing sports, socialising or away for weekends. I guess he just wanted to be like me when we first met so if i said i did'nt trust alot of people, he'd say he was the same, i don't drink..he said the same, although i know now that he doe's drink!!!That i like my peace and quiet...etc etc, so many contradicting things that pop up. In a way it saddens me when i think about it now...but i say to myself..i was totally honest with him, about everything and my feelings for him and how i have always felt about him.......so from that point of view......i tried to hold onto him this time..but he has cut the cord, maybe we were never mean't to be in each others life.

Sometimes i have the urge to try and find out more about him and his family, i don't see the justice that b.mums are not allowed to find out from SS about their children, where'as the children have the right to find out about us, its easier for them to start the search, where'as i had no info whatsoever of his whereabouts, his name or anything :-(
I was thinking of going onto findmypast and see what i could find, i would love to meet his A.mum, as i think she would like to know about me too, like i said she had always been honest about my son's adoption and often talked to my son about it...so maybe she would like to know about me?

I will be back on here as it helps when i read replies and other posts, makes me understand abit better, and also releases the pain i feel, not always understandable when i write, but this is probably the first mail i have written without sobbing........;i just hope i can continue like this...i know i should'nt think negative thoughts about my son, but it seems he has chosen his path, i feel pain for my grandson too that i'll never see grow up and he'll probably knwo nothing about me either, although at the beginning i gave him some presents as a reminder...not knowing at that time the path i was on was going to collapse.

Thankyou ladyarcher for being here, i really appreciate the replies.

I have read on yahoo about the real philomena and her wanting to change the adoption laws, have you read it yet?
cleo
 
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