what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Moderator: AfterAdoption

what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Postby sylvie 1 » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:43 pm

I was looking back over some of our conversations in the past and it struck me how damaging it was for After Adoption to have taken the quicklink button to the forum off their webpage.

We are the people who know what it feels like to be separated from family members. To have family members missing.

It does us a great disservice to marginalise our voices in this way.
And to keep newcomers, who might want understanding or a place to share their adoption-related experience, from finding such companionship here.
sylvie 1
 
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Re: what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Postby cleo » Thu Jul 13, 2017 7:08 pm

Evening sylvie,

Its been quite a while, but i do come back often to see if anyone has posted anything, but it is so so quiet on here.

I did not know this forum before it was marginalised, so cannot say what a difference it has made....all i know is thta i was lucky to have found this forum and lovely people who have helped me in a time that was again very difficult, and it doe's sadden me that other people on both sides cannot find help or hear advice...

I hope you are keeping well sylvie, i often think about the people who i have had contact with through the past couple of years, i really miss everyone :-(

In my life nothing has changed much, there are the very occassional photo of my grandsons posted by my sons girlfriend, but its about once in a blue moon, my grandson has grown up so much, i do wonder if he will ever know about me....but i have reached the stage were i will look at a photo i have of my son, but its like we are distant strangers, i do not fall apart anymore, and tell myself it is his lost, i would of loved to have been a grandmother, but face the fact that it was never mean't to be.

Life goe's on, myself and hubby have got new plans for the coming years, and going to make the most of life with no ties, i have waited for certain things in my life, but now, its my turn to enjoy the joys of living instead of always hoping and waiting.

We will see how things turn out, but we are going to try and make the most of the time we have left. Take care sylvie, and hope you pop back here now and again, its always nice to have a little chat x
cleo
 
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Re: what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Postby big sky » Mon Jul 17, 2017 2:08 pm

Hi Both and Cleo
I am glad Cleo you are beginning to enjoy your life.x We have to sometimes put ourselves first I know I am posting in the wrong place as I am an adoptive mum but our stories in many ways are so alike. I too have come to the sad fact that my dear adoptive daughter is never going to want a relationship with me again after finding her birth mum.
Much love xx
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Re: what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 2:50 pm

I have not checked for a while, on the AA main home page, but in March I had a 'conversation' on fb messaging, with a lady called Emma from AA. I explained that the forum had been very little used since they took that link off the home page, and that I feared it would be abandoned altogether with the excuse that it 'was not used' Well of course it wouldn't be used if people did not know it was there via the link.........

I explained that it was of importance to all three points of the adoption triangle, and that adoptees were just as important as adopting parents, and birth parents who had lost their child to adoption. This Emma said that someone was looking into it as the page was being updated. A week or so later there was another message from her saying that my email address was 'bouncing back' when someone called Marta had tried to email me. I gave her my email again, and she thanked me for it and said that Marta would be in touch......... no further contact has been made with me........as I said, this was March this year.

Since then I have hardly been on the forum due to excessive domestic happenings...... one daughter with new baby, actually now 5 months old, other daughter getting married in April, along with jointly our own Ruby wedding anniv. That daughter has two boys by 'previous', and has by marriage acquired two 'steps', so we now have two step grandchildren aged 12 and 9, to add to our seven original.......while we were away on the first holiday we have had for about ten years, the two steps were suddenly deposited on their father and our daughter ......so that bit of the family now have four children, instead of two, and two on alternate weekends........this was, as I said, very sudden and unexpected, literally overnight actually....... and along with causing behavioural insecurity problems for our daughter and her new husband, has also involved us in even more school runs, and general 'minding' ....... so adoption had slipped a bit down my list of priorities.

Anyway..... back to the important issue of AA ..... I will contact them again myself, and perhaps others will add some pressure......

And hello again Big Sky, I think we have had 'talks' way back ........ we should all make efforts to keep in touch I think, although life generally gets in the way often..... but one never knows what is going to be round a corner, and when we will need the rather special friendships that are forged on this forum......

I am sadly barely in touch with the full sister I spent so much time - forty years - and effort looking for ...... her choice of course......all I can do is tell her every so often that if she needs me she knows where I am. ...... sometimes I get a one or two line email reply if I am lucky........

LA
now 73
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Re: what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Postby cleo » Tue Aug 01, 2017 6:36 pm

Hello Big Sky and LA

Big sky i am so sorry to hera about your daughter, as you say our stories are still alike but under different statuses, you be an adoptive mum and me a birth mum but both having children who want nothing to do with us, for whatever their true reason...

I find it very sad as you have brought her up as your own and now she acts as if you do not exist and myself, having a son who came looking for me and then cutting me off as if i never existed too....its very painful and its has taken me over 5 years to tell myself that it was never mean't to be, like before i can only guess a certain scenario's, but which one could be the reality, i do not know, only my son knows that....or doe's he? I do find myself questioning his past behaviour, as like i have said sounding like a broken record, i do not know why he cut me off like he did....even if i was "intense" as he put it, i do not think so when i read other stories about birthmums and their children...i just think he needed an excuse...i do not know really, all i know is that i have 2 grandsons that are growing up perhaps not knowing i exist, although the first one doe's have alot of gifts from me, that i sent over the couple of years for his birthday and christmas.... but i tell myself now its all in the past now.

Does your daughter live with her birthmum, what made her choose her b.m over you? (if you don't mind me asking?) I cannot understand some peoples reactions, and more often than not i do say i prefer my dog, at least she doe'snt get angry with me, she is always happy to see me, never unhappy (unless she is feeling unwell)....much prefer the company of my dog ever since i trusted my son with my deepest feelings...but no more....

Sending you a big hug Big Sky i wish things were different for us, but we never know what is around the corner as LA said, and yes it is nice to come back here to have a chat, just sad that its so quiet, and do feel sorry for any newcomers looking for advice or morale support...i don't know what i would of done without some of your kind words on here...

Take care, will be back again soon x
cleo
 
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Re: what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Postby JJ » Mon Aug 14, 2017 8:22 am

I think, although I may be entirely wrong, that the forum was marginalised as some members were successfully helping so many others to trace their families - and After Adoption have their own paid for tracing service. Maybe I'm just being cynical....
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Re: what a shame this forum has been marginalised

Postby ladyarcher70 » Wed Aug 23, 2017 10:13 pm

Good point JJ ........ I had not thought of it quite like that ...... I just thought that it was because they were now focusing so much on 'placing' children, particularly older children of course..... because of the shortage of new babies, due to girls now able and encouraged and helped to keep their babies. This has resulted in many sadly very damaged children being promoted for adoption, when it often is not actually the best outcome for them. For some years local authorities were getting a rake off for each child they managed to get adopted, although that has stopped now I think.

LA
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