My friends online

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My friends online

Postby athensrunner » Sat Jul 12, 2014 9:12 pm

I saw this on FB and as I know that some of you are not on the FB group, I thought I also share it here...because, I realised that some of you I do regard as friends.
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Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: My friends online

Postby sylvie » Sun Jul 13, 2014 10:31 pm

Lovely, what a great thing to post AthensRunner.
Yes, it's funny how - when you're discussing or disclosing things that are extremely close to your heart - the people who listen kindly, even if they disagree, become treasured people even if you've never met them.

I've shared thoughts and feelings on here that I've never told anyone. Memories too.

x
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: My friends online

Postby cleo » Mon Jul 14, 2014 8:24 pm

Athens

thankyou and like sylvie, i have never ever talked to anyone else apart from my husband about my son, and especially the last 3 years i have been through with ly world literally being thrown upside down.

I only wish i had found this site before my son found me, then maybe things may offf turned out differently, but then again, maybe they would of turned out the same, i have been going through the last emails i sent to my son, and i cannot find anything that would of cuased him to shut down, so i guess or assume that he could'nt cope with me anymore and that he just has to get on with his busy life.

I was never part of his life and never wwill be its something i am beginning to accept as the months go by, soon it will be 3 years, i will never let go of my son, but there is only so much pain i can bear, my wall is being built up again, my skin is getting thicker and sadly i am going back into a world where i find it so hard to trust again, i know this may sound harsh but i have this cross to bear and only i can carry it, the decision i made 32 years ago will haunt me until the day i die.

I love my son more than anything, and my Grandson, but i guess its not enough, or maybe too much for him.

I'm so glad to have people like you all here that understand the true meaning of the pain and emotions that we go through, it helps me breath abit and remind me, i am not alone if i need to write something down, there is always a kind soul out there that will read my mail, that will understand and reply with heartfelt words.

Thankyou to you all, take care x
cleo
 
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Re: My friends online

Postby julie2009 » Thu Aug 14, 2014 3:47 pm

[quote="athensrunner"]I saw this on FB and as I know that some of you are not on the FB group, I thought I also share it here...because, I realised that some of you I do regard as friends.[/quote]

What a beautiful and truthful poem. I have met some lovely people on this forum who have offered me their wisdom and valued advice from both fellow adoptees and birth relatives. One person who stands out is Lady Archer I don't think this lady has ever refused to help anyone on this site and I hope she will not mind me saying this but it is interesting to see the view of an "older" member of our generation. This lady was always able to give me especially an insight to the 1960s and early 1970s society.

Another person on this site is Slyvie who has given me an insight to what it was like on the other side of the coin. Her advice is too always valued by me and many others. She helped me see things in a different light whereas I would never have considered these things before.

Long may our friendships continue.

Julie xx
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Re: My friends online

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Aug 16, 2014 11:23 pm

Thanks Julie.......I am, as you say, one of the older ones among us........however I don't feel 'old' ......... we spend most of our time with young people, and those friends of mine who are of my age all seem to be the same.....

....about 25 years ago I went to a school reunion, it was very noticeable that our year, and the year above us, were very different to the 'old girls' who were only two years above us.........we were all rather lively and dressed very differently ....... they were already into the crimpelene and twinsets, and what stood out most was the 'old' hairstyles.......they had perms, and some had blue rinses .......... very odd, as they were only a couple of years older than us ......... it was very noticeable, as if we were from a totally different era.......a lot of us had had a career before having our children...........several of us had been divorced and had second marriages, with a second set of children as I had...........this would have been quite shocking even only a few years earlier..........I think perhaps that this had kept us 'young' in the sense that we had not settled down into a groove and stayed there........society had much deeper grooves in those days..........

I feel that I have been extremely lucky in many ways, in finding, and finding out about my b.family.........although I was too late to reunite with my b.father, I do have a lot of the 'feel' of him from my half bros. and sister, and cousin, on that side.....

.... I am lucky in now having the knowledge that I was wanted and loved .......however I have not forgotten the feeling of insecurity from before I knew this .......... that sort of insecurity is difficult to shake off, and some of the habits of it are still with me, even after all this time........ finding out that I was loved and wanted was not the cure for everything.........we think that once we have all the answers, all the problems will go .......but they don't you know.......

......... and as I write this I feel that it is a possibility that this is what Cleo's son is finding out .......

... I have also been lucky in my second marriage, my first husband was lacking in sympatico and had no interest in my feelings with regard to adoption..........however my second husband is a jewel above price .........

I think that one of the most successful and helpful things about this forum is that we do not meet each other face to face........I am sure that we would find it very difficult to talk to each other in the way we 'talk' on here ....... perhaps it would be possible with those of us that have 'known' each other a long time on the forum, but I am sure that it would be very difficult for newcomers to feel comfortable with face to face conversation about many things that are very deeply buried .....

I too greatly value the posts from Sylvie, and Athens Runner, and the others on the 'other' side of adoption, the b.mothers ........their input is so valuable, and must be especially so to those adoptees who are just starting out on their search........

LA70
born 1944 - adopted 1946
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Re: My friends online

Postby sylvie » Tue Sep 02, 2014 6:50 pm

Thank you so much for your lovely words, I'm really very touched.

I'm also glad that you understood what I was trying to do when I shared my experiences.
It wasn't to talk all about me, it was to try and show how so many ideas about adoption and about mothers like myself are completely wrong and couldn't be further from the truth.
It felt so important to say how it really was, because otherwise adopted people like yourselves might not realise how hugely important you are, and how much you matter.
Also because I so often saw things written about mothers like myself that were cruelly inaccurate, and added pain onto the profound pain of being parted from my son for so many years by adoption, something that - had things been different in my life and in the world back then - I would never, ever, ever have chosen.

You've all helped me to understand so much, in each of your individual ways.

When I first met my son after so long apart, and the full force of how painful adoption is hit me, Josie was invaluable in helping me through that process and helping me to understand what was going on. I will be forever grateful to her for that, and would advise anyone in reunion to read her past posts.

Love to all x
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: My friends online

Postby Josie » Mon Oct 27, 2014 10:05 am

A beautiful poem Athensrunner....I was thinking about you recently and wondered if you finally met Claudia?

You know, I have "met" some truly wonderful women through the adoption forum environment - from all over the world.
It's hard to put into words how many of you here at After Adoption and several women from older forums have meant to me...the genuine care, love and support between us all is extraordinary.

Last year I experienced a traumatic blow that was non-adoption related and one friend from the states, who I have never met, offered to fly to London because she wanted to "give me a hug" - what incredible women.
Consequently, I've not been emotionally available to be consistently supportive over the past couple of years and I feel sad about that - maybe the years totalled up and finally I kind of "cracked" when something quite devastating shattered my life.
Our adoption related experiences can strengthen us, but we really need to take care of every aspect of our lives.

It's lovely to read how generously and consistently the lovely LA and Sylvie keep a gentle eye on the needs of those who are experiencing the confusing and often painful aspects of reuniting, adoption. Wonderful compassionate people, truly.

I can honestly say, I carry all of you in my heart. I don't have to "think" about you lovely people, you are just there, like the daily sun.
Sorry if that sounds a bit over the top, but I can't think of any other way of explaining it!

Love Josie. X
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Re: My friends online

Postby athensrunner » Mon Oct 27, 2014 6:17 pm

Josie

There is so much going on so I will send you a PM.

Beatrice
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: My friends online

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:18 pm

((((Hugs)))) Josie .......it is at last becoming known that a hurt or experience long buried will be triggered by a much, much, later shock or accident.....often something can stay buried for many years and sort of cons one into thinking that we have dealt with it and it no longer bothers us......... how wrong we can be........it is a form of post traumatic stress....... it will re- trigger the chemical wave that the body produced to counter the shock that happened at the time of the original trauma.......much in the same way that soldiers will react to loud noises ........ ....

.... a dear boy, an acquaintance of our family, had been severely sexually abused as a child.........he did not tell his parents, he did not tell anyone, however he became unable to sit down with his family and eat Sunday lunch......because this is what he had to do immediately after abuse on Sunday mornings...........he made various excuses and even deliberately got himself into trouble so he would be punished by not being allowed to have lunch.........years later, he had a v.bad accident, it was unlikely at the time that he would walk again...............he became addicted to pain killers, ....... he was able to get off the painkillers when he recovered and could walk again..........it took months, and he lost his v.active career........... however the alcohol dependency took its place as he tried to bury the panic attacks..... the panic attacks stayed,............ eventually he was persuaded to go to the authorities about the abuse which had been 20years earlier.......a court case, and 'compensation',.........he thought that this would cure him of his panic and anxiety......it didn't......

My own brush with the Grim Reaper two years ago, brought back adoption 'issues'....... panic attacks, extreme anxiety, and for a while fear of leaving the house on my own....... fingers crossed, and a lot of touching wood, two years on things are a lot better, although there are still 'bad' days ...........

Little wonder that those of you who are bereaved b.mothers, will get re-triggered trauma when any further trauma occurs later in your lives...........

LA70
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Re: My friends online

Postby Josie » Tue Oct 28, 2014 10:21 pm

Thank you for your kind words LA.
We live in a very complex world and too many struggle with buried hurt and trauma.
All I know is that I find it hard to keep consistently "up" and spend too much time immobilised these days.
Panic attacks, immobilising feelings of anxiety - I know you understand.
I have a lot to sort through, some days I feel I just can't face it...and believe me, I have lived my life as a very capable women.

I think that a life of trying to cover over pain and loss can certainly take it's toll. Even when outcomes are positive in other aspects, at some point perhaps we just can't take another loss.

I know is is only temporary - and I'm not sharing this to pull in lots of sympathy... It just seems to me that this is a common experience for birthmothers and adopted people alike.

Hope you feel much stronger these days, I remember when you were very poorly and you talked about your psychological and emotional state. It must have felt terrifying - I know I have experienced raw terror several times in the past 18 months - it's breath stopping.

And then, I pull up again and feel ready for anything! Exhausting - who needs this at nearly 60 years old?
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Re: My friends online

Postby cleo » Mon Nov 03, 2014 2:42 pm

Hi Athens, LA and Josie,

HJosie i have to totally agree with you on all aspects, the keeping 'up' everyday i have been Lucky to have my dog get me out of sticky sitautions, where i would of otherwise just moaped around weekends, feeling sorry for myself and going over my situations another 1000times, knowing all too well its not going to get me anywhere apart from a very sad face and splitting headache from xrying all the time.

Again there are days, and sadly had one of those yesterday, that i just could'nt face the world anymore and kept asking myself, what on earth am i still doing here!! All i ever wnated was to be a happy person, but like i've just realised, since my son came looking for me, the beginning was great but then after a couple of months it dwindled, he always find an excuse or something, nit easy as i live abroad, but then the day when he cut all contact all together, closing down his email and accounts, then he moved without saying a word and now just found out i am a grandmother for a second time (i got a glimpse after looking through all the social networks)!!!

And like you i am an independant capable person who has been through alot in my life, hubby who used to go away alot for months on end, i kept it all together...but this with my son, i can honestly say has torn me apart, i am nearly always crying, if something crops up, it sets me off and i cannot control the tears or the pain i feel.

Would i say taking another loss yes and also rejection, i was very honest with my son, perhaps too honest, i cannot believe that after all he said too me, calling me mum and saying that he loved me.....to suddenly act as if i never existed, i just cannot comprehend his actions, even at the beginning when i asked what or if i did anything to upset him, but nothing, total silence.

Josei you do not have to write your feelings to get sympathy, i'm just glad to know that i am not alone having these feelings, that other b.mums and adoptees all experience some sort of uncontrolable pain.

I am still in two minds about what to do at the moment, i know LA wanted to help me too and thank her too, i would like to try and sort this situation out, i need fianlisation if possible, i don't want to be left hanging in the dark, not knowing, i guess thats why i cannot let go or put this to rest, if i had some way of knowing that my son doe'snt or never wnated me in his life that he should of told me, at least then i know where i stand.

As some of you know my parents never ever talked about my pregnancy or my son, for them it was as if nothing ever happened, so i've had to deal with this by myself, they do not know my son contacted me, and to be honest i will never tell them either, it will open a whole can of worms, that i just cannot deal with, i think i'm on the 'edge' as it is...thats why i'm so glad to have this forum to spill my beans...so to speak and look for advice.

My parents never helped me in the past and i would certainly not ask them for help now, for them my son never existed, and i think now deep down that why my father helped me find a job abroad just a year after i had my son..i guess out of sight out of mind......i thought it was for my own good, but maybe i was wrong all along?

I know LA maybe i am making a scenario here, but having looked back on my past it doe's seem to add up now.

I would still like to find my sons A.mum and talk to her 'before its too late' but again i don't know where to look for her, i have some ideas, i can't lose anything more by trying, as i have lost my son and grandchildren anyway...that again i feeldo i have the right to cal them my grandchildren? Do i have the right to say..hello my gorgeous son? Is it really my place, or am i just an outsider for him?

Like i said i have so lany things that trot around my head some days......aarrrggggggggg Why can't life be abit simpler for me, i've never asked for much, i just want to be happy with my son and try and be a good grandmother, is that too much to ask for somebody who came looking for me?

Take care everyone x
cleo
 
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Re: My friends online

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Nov 24, 2014 7:46 pm

((((hugs, Cleo)))) you know the offer still stands whenever you want.........

Have been off line for a while partially with a 'puter hiccup.........and also because we had to go away for a few days to attend the funeral of a very very dear old friend who died very suddenly and unexpectedly........ fit, only two years older than I, non smoker, walked five or more miles a day ...... he worked alongside my husband for thirty years at a big 6th Form College in Hampshire.....and only had a few years of enjoying his retirement back in his beloved Cornwall....he is the second v.long term friend we have lost in the last18 months.......the other, husband of my best friend since we were 4 years old, was also a very fit non smoker, who took a lot of exercise going around largely by bike, and also doing a lot in the community, being a prison visitor and padre ....... why do these good men go........I look on my husband with terror sometimes, that I too will join my friends alone.....

LA70
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Re: My friends online

Postby cleo » Wed Nov 26, 2014 5:54 pm

Evening LA

I thought something must of cropped up, as you have'nt been on here a while...so so sorry to hear about your friend...yes one has to ask why do the good people leave too soon.....life seems unjuste in certain ways.

As you may of read, i'm still going through alot of emotions, even after nearly 3 years now....perhaps i should try and finalise whats going on between my son, maybe next year, start anew.

I will see after Christmas and then decide once and for all, where i go from here, beating myself up emotionally is not the answer, it just causes me more pain. Thankyou again for your offer, who knows i may just find the courage to take you up on it.

Take care LA and give your hubby an extra hug x
cleo
 
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