Moving house and adoptees' security blankets

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Moving house and adoptees' security blankets

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:03 pm

I have moved quite a few times one way and another........obviously there was the initial two moves, at aged 18 months from my b.mother's house to a childrens' home, and then to a.parents' house aged 2.......then round the corner to a larger house when a.grandfather came to live with us..........then a long time at that house......not another move until I was 19 and my a.parents moved about 50 miles from where I had grown up..

...I was still living at home then, and did find that move a bit of a problem 'security blanket wise' ......leaving the house I had mostly grown up in was a wrench.......but the excitement of the new build house and joining in all the choosing of wallpaper and curtains etc helped to gloss that over.......and also we moved in the January of the big freeze in 1963....so there was a lot 'different' going on, to take one's mind off it.............I knew I would not be living there for very long as I was engaged to be married and the wedding was to be in two years.........we waited in those days until we had saved up for things.........the moves after that.....marriage, a flat, first house, babies, etc were not a problem as far as I remember......then my ex's job moved him to Wales, and that was great too.........then he ran off with a friend of mine, and that was very annoying of him as I had to move back to my parents...

....a couple of years later, I met my present husband.....after two years in his house we bought a larger one as we were expecting the first of our own children then, adding to the two from my first marriage ........a long time in that house, 17 years, then a move on early retirement........an exciting big move to build our own house in Scotland, and build a small market garden business.......ten years on, leaving that house was a wrench as it had all of 'ourselves' in its design etc.........but......South, and to Wales again......

...we have been in this house for six years and personally, although it is a great house, I have never settled.........now we are moving to the next village downsizing as all the grown up children have left home now........this move is a bit odd, as we have been twice let down over the sale of our current house, so are renting the house we want to buy..........and today the keys are ours, but of course the house is not properly ours until this third attempt at sale works out...... given that I was seriously ill before Christmas, this move is a good idea........however any 'changes' at the moment will trigger an 'insecurity panic' in me..........despite really wanting the next house, a pretty part Victorian and part older, cottage with a wonderful plantsman's garden which we are thrilled with and look forward to caring for........

So, my question is, do others of you have panics, large or small, when faced with changes........I didn't have them when I was younger, and despite sometimes regretting the necessity of a move, it did not bring on a panic attack......however this one is quite scary........one of the reasons is probably because I also have a problem in getting rid of things, and this house is smaller and things will need 'weeding'......but going through things and trying to decide what to 'weed' out, makes me feel physically ill...........it is a bit delayed, because although we can move into the house.......we can still leave things at this house, as a sort of enormous cupboard .........who else feels sick when they have to weed things out.......who else panics at change.......is it adoption linked, I am convinced that it is......and that the feeling of being out of control of a situation doesn't help at all........because we are out of control of the situation with our house sale, and despite the chain having re-formed.......we don't trust it not to fall apart again........in theory we will not move again, but we have thought that before........I sometimes joke that I live in the past and the future, but rarely in the present.......because I am often looking back, and always looking forward with plans for 'next year....' and beyond........however perhaps at nearly 69....one should not depend on too much future........

Having now typed and re-read this, I am not actually sure that it should be in Chat, and perhaps rates a place in one of the other sections.......but it started off as an 'I am moving' post........then sort of 'took over' as a 'help....panic....it's a change' ........post.....

LA
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Re: Moving house and adoptees' security blankets

Postby Turtle » Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:23 am

I am probably completely the other way, ladyarcher. I am happy to get rid of things. In fact, I love having a good clear out. I don't really value possession much, to me it is just stuff. The odd thing has an emotional connection, but most things are just things. In some ways, I view it as everything is disposable - even a child (from the adoption perspective) - and so trying to hang on to things, to me, is a waste of time. Better to break that connection, and own (and depend) on nothing.

As for control. I can understand the panic in that. The fact that other people are calling the shoots. Now that I do see as an adoption thing, as when we come into this world, other people are dictating our lives, and look at the mess they can make of that! At least if you feel that you have control, you own it if it all goes wrong.

I think both habits are not good. Particularly the control habit, as we are actually rarely in control of our lives, so better to let go of it and go with the flow. That is why I do a lot of meditation, so that I can live in the present and have a calmer life, after all, it is the past and future that cause most of the stresses in our lives. The here and now, is generally more peaceful.
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Re: Moving house and adoptees' security blankets

Postby skyebluepink » Sat Mar 23, 2013 10:57 pm

I hate moving house too. When I was young we moved quite a lot - always in the same area but I still hated moving from one house to another. The really big move was when I was 8 just after my a.mum died. We moved house to live nearer to my grandma who looked after us after school, but that meant moving school too which I hated. After that I saw moving house as a negative thing. House moves whilst I was at university were always quite exciting because it was with friends and I had the security if my proper "home" away from university. The final move I did whilst living with my dad was in 2006 and meant moving from a lovely house to one he wanted to "do up". I hated that house for a long time and it made me feel quite depressed. Buying my own house was exciting, and now I like the fact that I will only move now if I want to. I do think it is a control thing - to be told that you have to leave your home for a new one is quite a traumatic thing, especially if you have no control over it. I'm sure it affects most people in some way, but as adoptees maybe there is some throwback to long buried memories of being taken from one home to another and having no control over that. Perhaps we need to cling onto a sense of security now because we didn't have it then?
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
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