Just general chat

Moderator: AfterAdoption


Postby Ray2423 » Fri Jun 29, 2012 10:25 am

Hello out there, Has anyone had dealing with getting support for a girl who has gone back into the care system now age 23 but has just been given a house, she has a baby on the way...but has no idea of the real world, she was adopted by my wife and I age 10, but never bonded and after 10 hard trumatic years, left to live with her boyfiend who has now left her. We still keep in touch be she is being put up to fail we feel. She has little control over her funding, and has now got the keys to a house, which she cannot get into shape, {painting and genaral decorating} I have health problems so there is very little chance of family support, due to her constant stealing and public outrage's in the past.
How can an 23 year old after adoption girl get the help she need's before there is a problem with her child and home skills?
She lives in the murton area of Durham, can anyone offer help.
Thank you for reading this.
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Joined: Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:11 pm
Location: seaham, county durham


Postby julie2009 » Fri Jun 29, 2012 2:23 pm

She sounds a bit like my sister who is in her 30s now. From the age of 16 she led my parents a wild dance. Running away from home, staying out all night and then she had two children when she was 16 and then 17. Of course both lived with my parents.
She had no idea how to look after two children or even wanted to know. My parents had to do everything for her.
She didn't have to get up during the night or attend school meetings etc. She treats her daughters now like sisters as if she is the eldest sister - not mother and daughter relationships and can be very petty at times. To be honest she needs to grow up and wise up at that. She also did a bit of stealing but had to pay dear for this by being prosecuted.

I remember at one time she tried to trace her birth mum and this person had agreed to a meeting. In the end my sister refused point blank to meet with her. I have to say she always puts herself first.

You don't mention if you have a wife or partner to support you in all this.

All I can advise is that you are there for her and her baby when the time arrives. I understand it is hard. Some people seem to grow up when a baby arrives while some others have to depend on other people to help out.
I wouldn't worry too much about the house for now and she wouldn't be able to do anything being pregnant.
Once the baby is born she will get the house into order. That is one thing about my sister she is so house proud.

Take care and think about yourself in all this.

Julie xx
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Postby ladyarcher » Mon Jul 02, 2012 11:10 pm

Hi Ray, and welcome.........sorry not to have answered your post earlier in the day, I was out all day and only put the computer on late this evening.......

.........I am so sorry for you that you have this worry after trying so hard for so must be terribly distressing for you and your wife........ there seems to be not a lot of help for adopting parents from the authorities..........they mostly seem to take the stance that after adoption the child is 'yours' and do not provide any continuing help or support.........a child who was not adopted at aged ten must have, by then, been a very confused little girl particularly if she had been in several other places up until then .........

As your daughter is 23 I assume that she is not in the Care System, but is actually in the Benefits System, as she is over 18 now......... but with her history, and your concern, it might be that the baby will need to be kept a close eye on to see that it is cared for you fear for actual deliberate harm, or for ignorance and neglect....................for the first week or so she will still be under the care of the District Nurse and the Health Visitor, so they should pick up on problems if they are not too there anyone at all in the family or out of it, that she has formed any sort of relationship with, or trusts or will listen to at all.............perhaps a teacher, but perhaps she is not open to advice..........or has sadly alienated everyone........I don't know if it runs in Durham, and with so many cutbacks there may be nothing, but in Cornwall there is a Voluntary Organisation called 'Home Start' that sends volunteer older experienced people out to help and befriend families who need a bit of help in structuring and organising their lives, in the hope that the children will not become 'at risk' in the social services language........I think this organisation gets some funding, but the volunteers are of course unpaid..... might be worth contacting other helpful organisations, which I guess will mostly be religious ones, like possibly the Quakers, or the Salvation Army, or the Womens' Voluntary Service, or the Womens' Insitute, to see if they know of any befriending services that are in the area

It may be, as Julie says, that having the baby will be a wake up call to her, and she will see that she needs to get her life in the boyfriend likely to reappear or to be of any help, financial or practical, even from a distance......or is he best left out of the equasion......

Has she in the past wanted to make contact with her birth family ........ or as she was older would you know about her circumstances and perhaps know that this would be a very bad idea........or did she perhaps make contact and what she found is the reason she has gone off the rails...........

Do come back to here for help and support........ yours is not quite our usual sort of post, but it is, of course perfectly relevant as adoption affects everyone in what is sometimes called the 'adoption triangle' ........ and adoption, or the reasons for it will certainly have affected your daughter.......

born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked ........three years ago finally found full sister who had been adopted separately, after searching for her for forty years......I had found out about her when I was 25.......
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