Struggling after searching

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:17 am

Sorry this reply is all in bits had a nightmare trying to reply. ..Fiona
Fiona Blades
Posts: 23
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:22 pm

Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:48 pm

Sorry for all the separate replies..... I had lots of trouble adding my posts.
Fiona Blades
Posts: 23
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:22 pm

Re: Struggling after searching

Postby cleo » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:49 pm

Fiona, thank you again for taking time out to reply to my messages

Its nice to have a little insight to how an adoptee feels, i know not all feel the same but its nice to get some idea how one feels about their birth parents.
May i say you do not sound 'cold' when answering, its how i seem to look upon my son's reaction nowadays, once i get over the initial shock i am more down to earth and matter of fact person, but i think the upheaval of my deep emotions that had laid hidden all this years just probably got the better of me and made me vulnerable, which in a 'normal' situation i would of handled it better.....

And i understand that his feelings for me are nothing compared to what he has for his mum, after all she was the one who was always there for him, cared for him when he was ill, taking him on holidays, being there when he passed his exams and going through university. I did not expect him to love me, but especially after calling me mum on my birthday and saying i was the best 2nd mum he could of hoped for i thought he must of had some feelings for me. Thats what knocked me for six, i never ever thought he would call me mum, but now i say to myself, maybe he just said that because maybe he knew thats what i would of liked to have heard, OR maybe he did mean it at the time....again the guessing game!!!

I know he set out wanting to know about his past, at the beginning he said he was watching a programme about adoption and he got upset, and it was in fact his girlfriend that found me and sent my info to him at work, and thats when he sent me an email, saying that he had also been on a couple of adoption lists trying to find me too.

That i was always in the back of his mind, wondering. But of course now he knows....well......the end.

he said that he held no grudge against me for doing what i did, realising my age at the time too, and that he was lucky to have great parents who did try to adopt again but their age was against them, so he was an only child, which was the only thing he did regret, and said that his son would one day have a brother or sister, which of course i know he now has another son.

I don't wonder how things would of been if i had kept my son, all i know is that he would not of had all the lovely holidays and good schools and go to uni if i had kept him, he would of had a different life of course and would of been loved as much too, but not with all the trimmings, if you see what i mean. So in that respect i did the right thing for him to have a better start in life and i know his parents love him to bits too.

I know they used to talk about me on occasions, he said whenever the subject came up, he would just shut off and not talk about it. I did not ask any further questions when he said about that.

yes, him finding me has opened up alot of feelings that i have had hidden all these years, and it is hard some days to come to terms with it all, like i said he's had years knowing about me, his parents gave him his birth certificate when he was a youngster knowing that one day if he wanted he would be able to find me, he knew my name, where i used to live, where i live now, he found out about me being married and living abroad, yet me..i knew nothing, no name, no whereabouts, i used to think he could be anywhere in the uk or in the world....and like i said when i did find out...he lived only down the road from my parents.......!!!

He did ask if i ever thought of looking for him, and i told him of course i did, but when i had to sign the adoption papers it was also said that i was never to try and find him. Which of course was impossible anyway as his name was changed etc etc and by law birthmums could not have access, until a few years ago i heard that things had changed. But again, i did not know about the changes until after my son had found me and i came onto here.

Its weird because i am happy knowing he has done well in life and that the parents i chose for him turned out to be the best for him, giving him a great life and for that i am very proud of them too and of course proud of my son for becoming the man he has, apart from having a heart of stone, but hey, nobody is perfect, everyone has a flaw, right.

No, sadly i do not want professional help (yet)..... i did consider going to what they now call the family replacement team where apparently they deal with people like me and adoption, but have'nt had the courage...or call or talk to them yet and like i said i do not live in the uk so it would have to be when i come over to visit the family.

Yes i guess that some people expect too much, but like i keep saying (and sounding like a broken record on here..sorry all) but all i wanted from my son was that he was honest with me, and not to make promises that he could'nt keep..... i guess that was too much to ask.

Anyway, its in the past, we cannot undo what has been down, could i have changed, i don't think so, i was true to him and myself about everything, but in the end it seemed all one way. He holds the key to unlock the door that he has shut on me. I am, and always will be, waiting on the other side, but knowing all too well that it may never be.

I am getting on with my life now, its taken nearly 3 years to drown the pain, and as always i may struggle, but i always get back up.

Don't worry fiona, i know sometimes my letters seem as though i am really hurting and have a dark path, but like i said its so hard to explain in writing and maybe so talking to someone face to face, but honestly, i am doing alot better than i was a couple of years ago, even months ago.

And its thanks to people like you, summerbaby, La, blueskypink to name but a few, who have listened to me go on like a broken record sometimes, and have helped me also see the other side of adoption.

Its a bagfull of everything that one cannot describe as we are all different in our ways and reactions, what one would take on the chin, somebody else may take it as if the whole world just swallowed her up.

At the end of the day, i sit down and say to myself now, i was totally honest with my son, i told him how i feel, how i have always felt about him, like a mother to a son, that i never expected him to stop his life on my behalf, all i wanted was to get to know him and spend 5 minutes when i came over, if he wanted too..i never demanded anything, it was always on his terms. I played by his rules from the day he contacted me. I just wanted his honesty, but i now was too much to ask.

I am not a bad person, i just trusted a stranger who i thought i could open up too, after all he is/was my son. My husband told i would get hurt, i should of listened to him from the start.

A question for you fiona: do your children know about you being adopted? if so what are their thoughts and have they ever met your b.mum? Do they consider her as a grandmother or not, and what about you a.parents, how do they feel? And of course your husband views?

Again thankyou for taking time to reply and sorry if i sound like i am repeating myself, its old age creeping up on me
Posts: 245
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Fri Jul 15, 2016 9:01 pm

Hi Clio....I'm glad you are getting there, I'd of hated, to have thought you still suffered so much, after giving away so much!

I have 3 children, the oldest has just turned 31 a 29 year old, both son's and a daughter of 28. No they never met her..... I only met her twice and as I met her nearly 20 years ago, I wouldn't of introduced her to them at the time. Being honest I know they wouldn't of considered her as a grandmother, they had a grandma and I didnt look upon my BM as a "mum" so I know they wouldn't of viewed her like that.

I didn't tell my mum and dad i had searched and they sadly found out a few years after, in a terrible way. My mum had been baby sitting my daughter whilst i was at work and my daughter found a birthday card ( i thought I had hidden well) I had received from my BM, saying happy birthday Mae.
She showed my mum, as she was confused and my mum put 2 and 2 together.
My mum was devasted and after a long chat with her and my dad, who understood more than my mum why I had searched, it all seemed ok!
But I know my mum felt some relief, that by this time Mae, my BM had died, so there was no threat to her, not that she ever was.
We then never really spoke about it much again. After the initial 101 questions, I'm not sure they wanted to know anymore and to be honest I wasn't comfortable talking about it with them. .., it felt like a betrayal, even though I believe I had the right to search.
My husband thinks its caused me more pain than happiness. Even with my brother making contact this year, it has stirred up a lot of emotion again and he honestly wouldn't want to see me go through any of this again.
I would still go through it all. .. I think lol!!!
I know where i came from.... I met my BM and learned a little about her. Most importantly I was able to thank her for giving me away and giving me a wonderful life. She was 16 and she couldn't of done it alone.
I wish she had lived longer than the 2 years after I'd found her, maybe in time we could of had some sort of relationship.... but sadly she died at 52, the age I am now, from breast cancer.

Reading your side of things, as a BM, does make me wonder if we all should have some sort of councilling before we start on our searching/finding. Maybe with some sort of expert help/advice things could of worked out better for all or most of us.
Myself and my BM went 100 miles an hour.... not giving either of chance to sit back and take it all in. I said I'd never do it that way again, but did the same with my BF and again, just this year, with my birth brother, although I promised I'd go slowly, we didn't and met within 5 weeks after almost chatting and texting constantly. So 3rd time round I've still not learned.
I believe that its so compellingly overwhelming when you find your birth family, that sanity seems to go awol!!!

Do you have any other children?

Don't worry about repeating yourself, I constantly do it!!
Fiona Blades
Posts: 23
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:22 pm

Re: Struggling after searching

Postby cleo » Wed Jul 20, 2016 9:17 pm

Evening Fiona

I did not realise you met your b.mum so long ago, so you would of been about the same age as my son finding me, he was about to turn 30.

There are days that i do feel pain about what i did all those years ago, but i also know deep down it was the best choice at that time. I often think that my son is better off with his a.parents, especially since things have gone pear shaped between us. I sometimes feel as though i would never of been a good for him and that he is better off with his a.mum

Thats another thing that confused me about my son, like i said he called me mum on a couple of occasions and told me i was a grandmum too and even came to the park a couple of times with his son so that i could see and hold him too. Thats why i asked about you and your b.mum. I do feel hurt by this, because if he had just called me by my name then and just told me he had a son and showed photos then maybe i would'nt feel as hurt as i do/did.

My grandson has 2 other grandmothers and a step granddad, so i know there is no need for me to be in this equation, but it just that i felt as though i was going to be part of his sons lives, especially when my son asked if i wanted to hold my grandson....can you imagine how i felt, i was over the moon. And now...i have nothing!! There are no words, i don't know how i feel anymore, or even if i should feel anything, its a weird situation to be honest.

My son has never told his mum about me either, even today i am not sure she knows anything. I am not sure if his mum would feel threatened by me, in the back of my mind i don't think so, i'd like to think that she'd be happy to know about me as she was always open about his adoption and of course giving him his original birth certificate so that maybe one day he could search for me (if he wanted too). Well, as always this is only guess work again!!

I think my son too felt a betrayal towards his parents, and mainly the reason he only came looking for me when his dad died.

Yes i feel more saddened since my son came looking for me, like i said in a previous post, i am not as happy in myself as i used to be. I still feel pain, but also feel betrayed in a way, not sure thats the right word to use. But after our meetings were we got on so well, yes it was an overload of emotions, and my son did say we should slow down, which we did, but then it went from slow down to dead end, and for no apparent reason, and the only time from then on i only contacted him to wish him a happy birthday and then for his sons birthday.

I am not sure if i would/could go through it all again if my son did decide to get back in contact, like i said and even said to my son, i am not a person who trusts easily, i was worried that if i opened up to him that i could get seriously hurt, but he assured me that he would never hurt me in that way. I trusted him with all my heart.....silly me!!

Now i would not believe another word he would say to me. Thats the sort of person i am, i take care in my choice to be friends with people or not, if i have a gut feeling its not right then i keep them at a distance, its very rare i will totally trust anyone. But once that trust is broken, sadly i cannot go back, even if i wanted too. I'm not sure i am making sense here?

I am interested in what you said that maybe in time you may of had some sort of relationship with your b.mum if she had still been alive, such a young age to die too...i was hoping that in time my son may look back and now that both of our emotions have had time to settle down that maybe he would think about getting back in contact...but then again, maybe he's just satisfied about finding out about his past and let what happened slip back under the carpet, as if i never existed.

But i am sure i will always be there in the back of his mind, i do wonder if he doe's think about me some days. Like i think about him.

Ha sanity going awol, yes thats one way of putting it i suppose...all common sense, is no longer common and perhaps counseling is the answer before getting into a reunion, but i am skeptic about all of this in a way. Like i said before, everyone is different and reacts in their own way, what might be good advice for one person, may not be for another.

May i ask how you found out about your b.mum dying? I hope it doe'snt open too many wounds talking about your b.mum.

Wooo you also have grandchildren, thats lovely, in a certain way i do feel abit left out, but then i say to myself, the situation is what it is, maybe later on in life i may have some contact with my grandsons, but then again maybe not....only the future will tell.....there is always a glimmer of hope i guess.

Take care
Posts: 245
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm


Return to Adopted People

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests