Struggling after searching

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Tue May 17, 2016 9:35 pm

Hi Mark. ..Firstly I'm so sad you feel down and that you feel it's down to your adoption!
Maybe it's not being adopted. ... its the discovering what might have been?? If that makes sense!!!
I've read your previous logs and it sll sounds positive with your half brother. I hope this continues for you and you get some positive information re your birth parents. You deserve that.
As for your mum and dad, I think they're just scared of losing you and given time and more gentle talks about your search I'm sure they will realise they will never lose you as their son and that it is just something as an adoptee, that some of us choose to do. Keep talking about ut .... you all deserve to understand it!!
I have no issues being adopted ..its the searching and who I found, the initial euphoria it brings and the then calming down to almost non existing that messes with my head and makes me wonder if it really was worth the pain and this is when I wonder if it was all worth it!!!!
Your photos look great!
Fiona
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby cleo » Mon May 30, 2016 12:55 pm

Hello fiona

No i don't think i feel bitter about how things have turned out, just really deep sadness that my son could not be honest with his feelings and what he actually wanted. Like you said at first everything is just so euphoric and emotions are way too high for both, and the mind goes into over-drive, but like i said and kept saying to my son, all i wanted was to spend an hour when i came to visit...he'd at first say ok but then he'd have an excuse and then when its time for me to go home he'd send a text saying sorry we couldn't meet up!!!

No i do not have anyone to talk too apart from my husband, but the last couple of years i do not even talk to him about my son now....i used to get so upset not knowing what went wrong and not hearing form my son. I did not think i would get through all the heartache again....but i have, but it has also changed the kind of person i am too.

I am not the happy go lucky person anymore, even though i smile a lot, there is deep hurt inside of me, i wish i knew how to get rid of this raw pain, but i cannot, i have to accept that my mistake in the past will always be there, deep inside...sometimes making it to the surface to show that i will always be vulnerable

There are days i sit down, anywhere and just think to myself "what have i done so wrong to be treated like this"...i know, i gave up my child to adoption, a terrible thing to do..but at the time i did not think it was terrible, i was thinking about what a life i could give him at being just a 16yr old, and being told it was the best thing i could do for him at the time, from bioth my parents and the authorities

Even today thinking about the frame of mind i was in, i still cannot believe what i did, and even with my parents we never ever talked about it and never have, even 34yrs down the line.

I come to this group to talk, although sometimes i do not think i make sense, especially trying to explain my feelings, its not easy. I just wish things were different, but they are not and life goes on. I have good and bad days, the past week has been bad, just thinking too much again, probably because i know its somewhere around this time that my 2nd grandson was born. But i have no idea and the guessing just upsets me i guess.

Its weird because i have let go, but then something will pop up and i'll start going over things over and over again.....torture!!!

I hope you have better news and that things are working out for you
cleo
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon May 30, 2016 9:39 pm

Hi Clio, so sorry for your sadness, if I'm honest I feel that way too.
Its so sad your son couldn't be honest about why he didn't want to meet. Maybe it is fear of how he may feel meeting you. Meeting your birth parent changes everything you ever dreamt, imagined or thought about that person. Maybe he just couldn't face the reality of the face to face confrontation. Maybe what he had with you already was more than he could deal with.
When i met my birth mother, a lot of my dreams weren't fulfilled and that sounds awful and ungrateful. Its hard to explain like this but i sometimes wish I still just had my dreams, as the reality of our meeting has never made me happy.
You must trust and believe your judgement at the time was right!! Im sure you did the right thing at 16.....my birth mother was also 16 and without a doubt, she did the right thing!!!
I cant imagine your sadness. ... but I do believe that searching causes a lot of sadness and makes us all very vulnerable. I honestly wonder if the not knowing is the better option. Its easier to live with the what ifs and what could be, but finding the what ifs doesn't always match your thoughts can sadly change everything for ever. Not sure if I'm explaining myself very well!
I know what you mean about letting go ..... easier said than done. I don't think its completely possible to do, once the "pandora box" has been opened is very hard to close.
Always happy to chat...... Fiona
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Thu Jun 02, 2016 2:41 pm

Sorry Clio.....realise now you had met up! !! Cant explain why he stopped contact, can only imagine it just all got too much for him! Sadly, maybe once the bubble burst it wasn't all he imagined.
Searching comes with some unrealistic hopes and dreams. ... whichever side you come from its all so difficult.
Sorry for my error.
Fiona
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby cleo » Sun Jun 05, 2016 8:21 pm

Evening Fiona,

I saw my son for 9 hours in all, the first time we met we spent 5hrs together, just walking aorund the park and just looking at each other, not really saying much, just taking it all in really, then i met him a couple of days after that for an hour...and then it was a couple of months later because i do not live in the uk, we met again another few times but only for an hour because he was quite busy.

But on a couple of occasions when i'd come over i would ask if he would like to meet up, he'd say ok will let me know, then wrote a text saying maybe the weekend, the weekend comes and goes and when i am about to go home he'd send a text saying can we meet up, but i was already on the motorway to catch the ferry to go home. I told him that i had waited all week to hear from him and i was already on my way home, he said that he was sorry he left it so late but he went away for a stag weekend....

Not being funny but if its a stag weekend you should know about that weeks in advance so why say to me we could meet up knowing he had a stag weekend?!!

Anyway, i did not get angry, i have never ever got angry with him, all i asked was that he was honest with me, if he could not meet up, then say so, not leave me hoping.

He did this a couple more times, and then before my birthday he said hes was thinking of a good day to meet up....i never heard from him again, that was 4 years ago.
I cannot understand why he treated me like this, as we got on so well, he even said happy birthday mum (the first year we were in touch) i was definitely not expecting that, he also wrote that i was the best 2nd mum he could wish for, and that i was a grandmother too..!!

After 2 years of not hearing from him, i decided to send a text to ask what i had done so wrong, if anything, for him to cut me off as though i never existed, i said that if i did not hear from him then next time i came over i would come and find him to ask him face to face (although i was scared stiff, and probably not gone through with it) but about 15mins later he replied. I was shaking like a leaf reading the message: he told me not to contact him anymore, that he was not looking for an intense relationship, which he thought this had become?!! ( i thought this wierd as i have not texed or spoken to him for over 2 years so how can that be intense) that he's had a wonderful life with great parents and that i was not to send any more gifts for his son, and he hoped that now i know he is doing well, i can finally let go and get on with my life.....(the exact words are on another forum as i did put it on here at the time)

I am still gobsmacked by what he wrote, it was always on his terms if we met up or not, like i keep saying, all i wanted was him to be honest, but i guess it was not his strong point.

I was a total wreck after that, after all the nice texts and emails he sent me before saying that he'd never hurt me and we'd always be in contact, calling me mum etc, he really hurt me.

The first day we met i gave him his present that i had cherished all these years, as i was not allowed to give it to him when he was born, it was a silver necklace and a silver christening bracelet....i gave them to him explaining that the social services said i could not give them to his new parents just in case they never told him about being adopted, that it could put a strain on the adoptive family. Luckily his a.parents were very open about him being adopted and he knew from a very young age, but he said it was him who felt awkward about talking about it, and would always shut down if they bought the subject up. I know he had a deep loyalty towards his mum and dad.
Until his dad died 5 years ago of cancer, thats when he came searching for me. He told me it was always in the back of his mind, but worried how i would react....if i would regret him getting in contact or if i did not want to know about him etc etc, all negative thoughts.......but he found out that i had been waiting all these years for him to be able to contact me, as i had no clue whatsoever, of his name, where he lived etc, and also told at the time by the social services that i was never ever try to look for my son.

Anyway with the gifts i gave him he then bought me a gift, also a silver necklace...i was over the moon...until everything came to a halt and i did not know why and had no explaination from my son. So i sent the necklace back to him with the first photos i had of me pregnant with him, they were my only memory of me pregnant when i was 16. I just kept the box that the necklace came in to remind me how empty my life will again be without him, and i have put a usb key inside of it with the photos we had taken when we meet up...luckily i got people in the park to take random photos of us...the funniest one was a couple i asked, and while they took the photo, they said that we make a lovely couple...i thought it was funny at the time and spurted out that he was in fact my son.

My son loved all the photos that i sent to him afterwards of us both and told me that he'd put all the souvenirs into a file. So you see, i cannot understand how things got so pear shaped. I am guessing that he started feeling guilty about his mum, he has never told her that he found me, yet his girlfriends mum knows about me, she even wanted to meet up. I did meet his girlfriend too, only for a short while, she came to the park too with their son, and the first thing she said is that we both had similar features (which was nice to hear from somebody else, even though we both thought we had similarities, we would say that wouldn't we)

Anyway at least he knows his roots and he said that he understood why i did what i did, and never had any regrets, and that he was happy that i accepted to meet him and that we got on so well.

May i ask why meeting your'e b.mum your thoughts and dreams were not fulfilled?

Like you, it was easier for me, and i have said this in another post, but it was easier for me before, when i knew nothing about my son, on his birthday i would say happy birthday where ever you are in the world, and then the day would past and i carried on, i did not cry because i did not know anything (like an empty space). When a documentary came on, i would think long and hard and my hubby would say, "you never know, one day he may contact you", at the beginning i thought yes maybe, but as the years went by i thought that maybe if he did know, he doe's not want contact otherwise he would of got in touch by now. Or maybe his parents never told him about being adopted!! So many things going through my mind, but i carried on because i knew nothing so i was not hurting as much.

But now i know about him, its awful, because i find out that all these years he lived so close to my parents, that he has known about me since a young age, he knows i got married and live abroad. Yet i knew nothing at the time. Since he got in touch with me i was over the moon and being a grandmother too and since he has had another son, how am i supposed to feel being told all this and then having it all taken away from me again, reliving all that i went through in the past not knowing about my son, and now the same thing happening with my grandsons......i cannot explain the feelings that i went through, i thought i was going to lose my husband at one point because i just could not stop crying and asking myself over and over again what i did so wrong...even to this day the reason my son gave doe's not add up, i think there is something more, like LA says, men are not good at multi tasking and i remember his girlfreind at the time saying that my son has a heart of stone. And that has stuck in my head ever since.

I am sorry if i am babbling on again Fiona, its just that i try to explain on here how i feel but its not always easy writing it down in words, all i know is that since my son came back into my life....its hard...its hard because now i know about him and cannot have any kind of relationship with him...its hard because i try and find things out (not as often as i used too) about what he's up to, or if he's posted in public a photo of himself or my grandson. its hard because his sons will never know about me...its hard being a birth mum or an adoptee....its hard because life seems so unfair on certain people who would give their all to have a piece of happiness from what happened years ago....its hard having these raw feelings eating away at my soul.....its hard because i want to hold my son in my arms so much and tell him how much i love him (although he knows this anyway)....its hard because....thats life
cleo
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Thu Jun 09, 2016 9:22 pm

Hi Clio ....before I met my birth mum I had so many dreams, images, hopes and unanswered questions. I also looked at myself, took all my good points, multiplied them and then put her on a huge pedestal, my fault not hers.
I don't think any of our meeting was what I hoped it would be, but again, I had such high expectations and they didnt match the reality!
She had had a sad life, i believe and was quite a private person and didn't really ever open up to me.... I found this difficult as i wanted her too and wrongly expected her too. We met twice and although both times were nice, i wanted more from her emotionally than she could give me!! I hoped she wòuld open up emotionally about my birth, adoption and her life but she never did.
I have to admit I'm amazed your son called you "mum" I could never, ever have done this and honestly wonder if it was all too much for him, even though he was happy with your initial contact ... I think he maybe got so carried away with the way he initially felt about you that when he finally came down to earth and analysed your relationship it made him uncomfortable that he'd called you mum and concerned how much he cherished what he had with you.
I believe he had great parents, as did I and i felt terrible having contact with my birth mum, i felt like I was betraying my parents!
In the beginning the euphoria of emotions makes you get confused about your honest emotion and maybe this is what has happened.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. ...I know what I'm trying to say but not sure if it makes sense.
I feel so sad for you, it must be so hard having it snatched away from you, in such a cold manner. ... I can only imagine he thinks he is doing the right thing for his life, at this time. Maybe one day he will regret his desicion.
The older I've got, I'm 52 now, the more I wish I'd done things different, as we grow older we seem to grow wiser.
I hope this makes sense Clio. ....Fiona x
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby cleo » Wed Jun 29, 2016 9:15 pm

Evening fiona,

Yes i totally understand what you mean, i think too that maybe we both got carried away with our emotions, although mine were truly how i have always felt, as for my son now looking back i guess at the time he told me things that i wanted to hear maybe, i cannot really say, but i know he had a deep loyalty towards his parents, and that was the main reason he did not contact me earlier. It was when his dad died that he decided to search for me properly, although he already knew alot about me since a young age, so he has had time to think about things.

Where'as i knew nothing at all about him. I am sad to read that your B.mum never opened up to you, i always find it hard that, here i am being totally honest and open, giving hugs with my son, yet now he knows, he wants nothing to do with me...and on the other side there is you wanting so much to have your B.mum tell you and things about the past and maybe get a hug from here, but nothing!!!

Such a topsy turvy world...and like i have said before, we never know how people are going to react. I really do not think i am a bad person, i just wanted my son to know how much i cared and still care for him after all these years...is that such a bad thing?

My son said that he always worried how i would feel if he contacted me, for him he was more worried that i would not want contact or that i would say i regretted having him...but when he found out that i was over the moon, i thought things would go smoothly, which they did for the first couple of months, but then i guess like quite a few have said, the euphoria dies away and reality hits home....he has never told his mum about me, yet his girlfriends mum did.

I was totally heartbroken when after finally two years of silence he finally had the courage to tell me not to contact him anymore, at least now i know where i stand, but then again i guess deep down i already knew that i'd never hear from him again after the couple of months of our first meeting. I still feel raw after all this time, but i know i did my best to be honest and open with my son, sadly he was not of the same opinion, even his girlfriend told me he has a heart of stone, so really i am going on that, and the fact that he only came looking for me to satisfy his background history. Not taking into consideration how i must feel losing him all over again and also missing out of his 2 sons.

I feel sometimes that he is being selfish because he knows how hurt i was making the decision all those years ago, but then again i feel that we were never meant to be. He is a stranger, he's had fab parents and a life style that i could never of given him. I have to accept the fact that i will never see him again.

And to be totally honest now, as the years go by...if he did ever contact me again, i'm not sure that i would be so up-front with him again, i will definitely not show him my emotions and i would keep my distance too, and i would never trust him again. He broke my heart, when i trusted him fully. I should of been more careful, but i was too honest with him, thinking at the time that if i kept everything from him he would feel like you do with your B.mum.

At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong way to go about things, it all depends on the individual. I just wish he wanted to stay in contact even if it was just the odd hello and that he's doing fine....but its never going to be. Sometimes i wish he never got in contact, the pain was less after all these years of not knowing.

But again, its happened and knowing he did well in life and that he had fab parents too....i guess thats what counts in the end.
cleo
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Sat Jul 02, 2016 4:56 pm

Clio, I don't think it's anything to do with you being a bad person. Sadly, I don't think your son could cope with any of what he had discovered and possibly his feelings of betrayal towards his parents.
I think he could of done things differently and less painful for you....but he's male and not being disrespectful to all males, but emotionally they find it harder to cope with such emotion.
Let's face it, for myself anyway, this journey has triggered emotions I didn't know existed!!!! Emotions that you don't experience in other life situations. Maybe he just couldn't handle it, especially as you say previously his heart could be stone.
He is selfish but I suppose, in his own way, as cruel as it is, its his right to cut the cord again.
Don't get me wrong I couldn't ever have done that but again he's a male with a heart of stone!! Shame his girlfriend couldn't of intervened and got him to do things differently and in a kinder manner!!
It must be like a double blow for you and i feel so very very sad for you.
I suppose all you can do is take the positives. He found you. .. you met .... you held him and got to know a little of him .... More than maybe some ever get.

There is no right or wrong way as you say. We do things, they way our personalities and emotions allow us. We are who we are and this is what makes us act as we do.

I hope one day you find yourself in a place where you are ok with it all.

For me, I'm sure I'll always have regrets about searching, but overall I'm glad I did it.
I hope, one day that I can look back at this long period of my life, knowing that i did the right thing!
Its the most emotionally challenging experience I have ever put myself through, but I think its been worth it.
I hope, however sad and hurt you are that one day you'll smile again, the way any birth mother, who gave away so much, should smile. ....
Fiona x
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby cleo » Fri Jul 08, 2016 11:20 am

Hi again fiona,

Yes this journey has like you said triggered emotions and feelings beyound anything one could describe, again i do not have the answers to my sons behavior or that of his girlfriends, i did write her a letter to ask why my son was being like he was towards me...sadly i never got a reply from her either, i guess her loyalty was towards my son too, again i'm only guessing!

Yes i understand he had every right to cut the cord, like another adopteé said to me once, "my son did not ask to be adopted, it was the choice i made", which again i totally understand, but sadly back then i thought i was doing the best thing for my son, which turns out to be the case, good education, well off parents and grandparents, (my son mentioned that his A.mum was born with a silver spoon in her mouth)and he is now doing nicely up on the social ladder himself.

Yes i do take the positives, after all these years of hoping he'd come looking for me, he did...we met, we talked about the past, and then a couple of months later he left. I know that i am luckier than some, but then again so is my son, i know his girlfriend had a work colleague who was also adopted, but sadly his B.mum never wanted contact with him, he was left to wonder about his unanswered past.

it's weird how we say we regret in one way of finding out, but then happy that we do know....if you see what i mean...i was over the moon that my son found me (as i knew absolutely nothing about him), but also very sad that now i know about him that i cannot be a teeny weeny part of his life, after all....nothing bad was said, its just that it was never mean't to be , i guess!!

I'm not honestly sure i could be deeply happy again, my son took a big chunk out of my heart, i feel as though i have a hole in my heart where after all these years there was always something holding on, but now, the cord has been cut, and my heart has sunk, i am cheery some days, but the burden of having my son adopted dwells on deep inside of me, i cannot forget what i did all those years ago.
cleo
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Fri Jul 08, 2016 7:32 pm

Again Clio, what you and all birth mothers did/do, is such a great gift and I can't even begin to imagine the pain of giving your child away. As a parent of 3 and grandma to 7... I really applaud you but also can't imagine how it feels to have lost so much... find it again and then so cruelly have it snatched away.
He obviously has no conscience, I'm sorry to say that, but whatever happened, in his mind, as a parent, albeit he's a dad, he must realise how much he's hurt you.
I suppose we could go over and over why....unless his stone heart melts, maybe you'll sadly never know the truth of why!
I do hope one day that you can be cheery more than you're not!! After giving your son a better life, you deserve to be cheery.
I don't suppose you'll ever forget what you did, but surely you have to finally let him go, knowing you did the best thing, at the time and gave your son the best life. For that alone you should be proud and although you can never forget, maybe its time to move on.
I hope you can... my heart aches for you and what you've lost..... but don't allow the today to be saddened by the past, you've done your best.
Fiona xx
Fiona Blades
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby cleo » Sun Jul 10, 2016 4:16 pm

Again fiona thankyou for replying,

It doe's help me seeing things from other peoples point of view too, sometimes i feel as though i am in my own little bubble.

I do ask myself a zillion times if my son doe's realize the hurt i feel, even though he knows how i feel about him and my grandson, but i guess thats not what he wanted, he already has 2 grandmothers for his son's (like i said i know he has had a 2nd son since) but then why tell me i am a grandmother when we first met knowing that his son was my very first grandchild too and now a 2nd grandchild, but not allowed to have any part in their lives!!

I did find it weird too that when i did send parcels in the 1st year that some of the presents where put on his profile (like a woolly hat at the time and a mini football) but somebody on here did say maybe it was his way of showing that he did care, because if he did'nt then he would not of kept the presents if i was that bad a person!! Again i do not know how to feel about this, mind-boggling.

Sadly the truth, well his truth is that i was too intense, which i cannot understand really, apart from being totally honest with him with everything, giving him space, which was not hard as i do not live in the uk, and all i asked back was that he be honest with me, which sadly could not be the case.

Maybe i am wrong but i think the only reason he came looking for me was because his dad died and he felt it was a good time to contact me, although his mum still being alive, there was a moment when he was not happy with her because she had a new man in her life just a year later, apparently when she told him, he got his girlfriend to drive his mum back home, and he did not talk to her for a couple fo months, he even wrote that he thought it was sad as she was missing out on her grandson growing up!!! Again his mum was also honest with him about alot of things too.

Anyway, at the end of the day i think he has acted like a spoilt kid, and everything has to be on his terms, if not then he goe's off in a huff...but again i do not really know him, i'm only guessing. And i too am missing out on a grandson growing up, but, i have let go on that part and think to myself, maybe if i live long enough i can catch up with my grandson's when they are older...hopefully...i do not know yet...abit like his mum, there are days i would love to try and contact her, but then...whats the point!!

I am a hidden secret as far as my son is concerned, although saying that, his girlfriends mum knows that he found me, again i do not know anything about her.

I still do not know how i feel deep down about giving up my son all those years ago, a part of me says i did the right thing at the time, but another part says "why"

Why did i let him go, knowing all too well that maybe one day he would come looking for me and topsy turve my life and make me regret again having given him away "why"

Sadly i cannot be proud for what i did, it is a horrible situation, like you said, having you're own children makes you realise, and i thought with my son he would realise my pain too, but again it seems not. i really cannot describe how i feel about this, such a mixture of emotions fill me up, but i know i have to stay as zen as possible.

But one thing i am sure about, i will never have peace with myself, for me, what i did was unforgiven...oh gosh, raw pain surging again!! sorry
cleo
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:04 am

Hi again, I really think your son set out to do exactly what you said! He found you, probably at a time, as you put it when things weren't great in his own life. His dad dyjng, mum having new partner etc. He found you, you met, you exchanged parts and shared parts of eavh others lifes and then when he'd found what he set out to find he'd sort of that was sort of .... The end.
Cold I know but sadly he maybe just needed to know. ... simple as!! Not emotionally good for you but as an adopted child, our feelings for our BM is never going to be the feelings a BM has for their child.
I don't mean to sound cold hearted, I'm totally not like that. ... but just trying, hoping that what I say may help you.

He's a male, of course its on his terms....that's how they work (sorry men). Whatever the relationship. .. its their terms.
Fiona Blades
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:08 am

You let him go for a better life... as did my birth mum and I will forever love her for doing that for me and my mum and dad. But at times I do wonder whst if she hadn't and what would my life have been like? But they are thoughts that we just need to put away. They get us nowhere and are just upsetting.

Proud was probably the wrong word to use but im do very grateful to my BM.

If you never find peace Clio you can never move on and you need to!
I know I'm not your son, obviously, but as an adopted chikd please believe that every person I've met, who was adopted, feels grateful to their BM.


Your son, sadly didnt handle your relationship well, but that isn't your fault. Maybe its nobody's fault, maybe it just "is what it is"

It was forgiven. ...He wouldn't have found you, if he hadn't forgiven you!!! You have to try and forgive yourself PLEASE., otherwise what's the point? Give yourself a break. Can I ask have you professionally spoken to anyone? Would that help your guilt?
Fiona Blades
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:11 am

Sadly for you, I think him finding you has made your guilt/pain/loss etc worse. Such a shame, but you deserve to live your life now knowing he's ok, been well looked after, had a great life but sadly things just weren't to be for you both. Im sure this is more common than any happy ever after! I honestly don't think searching, from wherever you belong, brings complete happiness, as really we are relative strangers in each other's lifes and maybe we all expect too much. It's not like the TV shows happy ever after!
Fiona Blades
 
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Re: Struggling after searching

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:15 am

Enjoy yourself as much as you can, we're only young and cant change what we've done or what's happened.

And yes it does drag up all sorts of my emotions, but that's not always a bad thing! It sometimes makes me re think how I feel and can sometimes help me... sometimes lol

Be happy Clio ..... please try xx
Fiona Blades
 
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