First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

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First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby marshen » Wed Nov 18, 2015 1:28 pm

Hi all.

I'm totally new to forums on the internet so please bare with me.

He's a brief into to my story.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old (birth mother was only 17 and father was 19, father not interested in me).
Great childhood but parents never told me that I was adopted. Mine & a school friends mum's were friends and must have spoke about my adoption. Friends mum told my friend who in turn told me, I was shocked to say the least, I was only about 12.
I started looking for clues, birth place is a different from where I live, parents we're 36 when i was adopted, perhaps a little older than normal, I look nothing like my family members. Eventually I asked a relative whilst on holiday in Canada who confirmed I was adopted, I was 18 at the time.

I received my records after lots of sessions with an adoption specialist at the local council.
I turned up at the address on my birth certificate, met my birth grandfather, he's sent cards for the past 3 years every christmas & birthday. He's in the middle as birth mother doesn't want to talk about the subject. I turned up an saw him in March this year yto ask about my father but he didn't know much. We now only really communicate via cards as previously mentioned.

I posted many messages on missing peoples websites trying to find my 2 half brothers, i knew i had 2 half brothers thanks to a lady who responded to one of my posts on a missing persons site, she did a family tree and searched etc and found this information.

I have also posted about trying to find out who my brith father is but i've had no replies as yet :-(

In june of this year my half brother contated me out of the blue on facebook and we've been speaking ever since. We want to meet up prior to Christmas. I'm looking forward to arranging it but I'm just looking for a bit of advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation?

Any help is appreciated.

Thanks

Mark
marshen
 
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu Nov 26, 2015 12:54 pm

Hi Mark,

Our adopted daughter has always had contact with her siblings - the adopted ones by annual letter via social services and directly with the others living with birth family. A couple of years ago her adopted siblings got in touch with all the siblings via Facebook. They have met twice a year since then but with parents accompanying them as they were under 18. After the initial greetings we left them to their own devices for a couple of hours. At the end of this year they will all be over 18 apart from our daughter and will hopefully get together more often. I believe the older ones keep in touch via text. Our daughter has never lived with any of them and is finding it harder to build a relationship with them - not for the want of trying on her part but because the others don't seem to be as interested. I'm hoping that as they get older and more mature they will be able to get a bit closer.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby ladyarcher70 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 10:43 pm

Hello Marshen/Mark.......and welcome ......you are obviously not old enough to be a grandparent yet..... but I can tell you that my heart bleeds for your grandfather......grandchildren are so precious, and he is doing his best to keep contact, but also will be answerable to his daughter/your b.mother, so is treading a tightrope...

......I also know how my own grandfather turned up at my a.parents' house, hoping to see me .... I had been with him until I was nearly two as he lived with my b.mother at the time, in the war........my a.parents turned him away ...... poor man,......... I wish they had had just a little bit of the Christian kindness that they 'pretended to the world' to have, they were strong Church goers...... but no, they turned my dear grandfather away......

.. I know how my husband would feel if we never saw our grandchildren again....... our youngest granddaughter is the age now, that I was when I was taken away from my b.mother, and therefore away from my grandfather as well....... we are so lucky in seeing her, and two of our four grandsons, almost daily,........ and they are such a joy......sadly our other two grandsons...... and our other granddaughter, live at quite a distance from us, the boys in Hampshire, and our other g.daughter in Cornwall...... so we don't see them so often......we are in Wales.

Your birth mother 'not wanting to talk about it' is probably her way of self preservation..... if you read posts on this site made by the birth mothers that are on here you may be able to get some understanding of the dreadful trauma that is caused to them both at the time of losing their child to adoption, and also again if reunion is made....... reunion, in its own way, is on the same level of trauma as the initial separation.......both trigger post traumatic stress ...... and the only way some people can deal with it is to go into 'shutdown' ......

With other siblings and half siblings...... it can go either way ...... there will almost always be initial excitement and interest ..... but this can wane quite quickly....... there can also be various levels of envy and jealousy ......... adoptees can often be viewed as having had the 'best of it'.......particularly in the past.......because us adoptees were usually given a good kick up the social and financial ladder.......as with myself, from a very lower class Council estate in 1946 to an upper middle, home owning couple, with a car, and sent to private girls' school, given ballet, and riding lessons........etc...... you get the picture .....

I am a tad confused as to where these two half brothers fit in..... I assume they are your b.mother's children, and are younger than you, but why was it difficult to find them......did your grandfather no know where they were......... whatever the reason was for your adoption, it will impact in one way or another on the relationship you get with your half siblings ...... so hopefully you will all be kind to each other, and bear in mind that none of you was responsible for the actions of your parents......

Keep coming back here for help and support......there will always be someone listening .... perhaps there will be a gap between your post, and a reply, but don't let that put you off...... I used to be on here several times a day, but not so much lately, and I was quite shocked to see that I hadn't 'tuned in' since the end of October .....

LA70
born 1944 - adopted 1946..
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby ladyarcher70 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 11:30 pm

Oh, and another thing.......don't necessarily believe all you are told about a birth father........ often they were not put on a birth cert. because if they were, then they had also to agree to the adoption, and this could make the paperwork tricky....... it was not always the case that a b.father was uninterested......... he may have been very interested but persuaded by his parents/teachers/College lecturers/Vicar/Rabbi ....... whoever, that because of job, or career, or study........or finance etc....whatever......the 'best thing for all concerned' would be to cut the tie completely ...... so....... never judge until you have all the facts.....preferably direct from the person concerned..... not what is on a bit of paper, or told you by a third party......

LA70
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby marshen » Fri Dec 18, 2015 10:03 pm

Hi all.

Thanks for all your reply's.

LA70 thanks for a wonderful insight in to so many different avenues, it's been really interesting to read.

I thought i'd reply tonight as at 7 tomorrow morning I'm setting off for London to meet my eldest half brother for the first time. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. He'been really friendly and supportive and keeps reminding me that neither of us are at fault here. He says he's not nervous and just excited to meet me but I'm sure it is just his way of dealing with the nerves by not acknowledging them.

Just to clear the whole half brother thing up.

After posting on many missing persons websites somebody came forward offering to help me find relatives. She created a family tree on ancestry from the information I gave her and found that my mother had 2 sons after me, one of which, Dan (who I'm meeting tomorrow), is only just over a year younger than me. He also has a younger brother who i believe is 6 years younger than me.

His younger brother doesn't know I exist, sadly I think it will take a while for him to find out as Dan has said that he doesn't want to tell him as he feels that their (our) mum should be the one to speak to him. I can understand this completely but me being Mr impatient doesn't.

Thanks for all your support and I'll let you know how I get on tomorrow.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Thanks Mark
marshen
 
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby JJ » Sat Dec 19, 2015 7:34 pm

Hi Mark

I hope your meeting with your brother went well today - it would be great to hear how it went.

When I first met my birth mother I was absolutely shattered afterwards - the whole build up to it was so emotional and then the actual meeting... an incredible experience. I'm afraid to say that I hit the wine that evening and had the worst hangover in known history the following day! (Actually, it was a two-day-er!!!)

I have also met my three half-siblings, but not until after my birth mother had suddenly died and my birth cousin on my birth father's side persuaded me to make contact. Like your brothers, my mother had not told them, so it was a shock to them but fortunately we all got on fine! My sister (the only girl) had a harder time accepting me, which I can understand - after all, she was the only daughter and only sister before I turned up on the scene... and she'd just lost her mother and discovered that she had kept this secret from her, her whole life... difficult to accept.

I do hope that everything went smoothly with your first meeting, and that it is the start of a lovely friendship between you!

Merry Christmas,

JJ
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Dec 21, 2015 9:50 pm

Hi Mark..... I too hope that your meeting with your half bro. went well ....... it's an odd feeling seeing a 'real relative', when the only ones that one has seen before are ones own children ..... siblings are different to b.parents ...... stating the obvious I know, but they are......we have a mental vision of how it would be to have a sister or brother ..... and success relies on the sister or brother having the same, or similar enough, vision.......not always so, when upbringings can differ so hugely.......anyway, do keep coming back here to air your feelings and ideas, you will always find a friendly listening ear, and usually someone who has had the same, or very similar experience to you that they can share........good or bad.....

LA70
born 1944 - adopted 1946
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby marshen » Tue May 17, 2016 1:27 pm

Hi everyone.

It's been a while since I've posted, my heads been all over the place.

Everything went well when I met Dan in December, below are two links to a couple of pictures of me and him, I'm on the right in both pictures.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/f1fvoz53hrtc5 ... 6.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ca0pdzkkx73hn ... 3.jpg?dl=0

Me and Dan have continued to talk a couple of times a week via text etc since December. We both have the common interest of football and I think this has really helped us both :-)

He still intends to speak to his parents about me and explain that he's met me and that there's nothing for them to fear about being in contact with me. With the way I'm feeling I can only hope this happens sooner rather than later.

In late December we found out that my dad (adoptive parent) had to have a heart bypass. A few days before he went in to hospital in March I told him that things were bugging me and that i'd done some digging and met Dan. He seemed pleased for me as I explained that I see him as a brother that I've never had. I also mentioned that I'm not looking for a mum or a day as I see him as my dad and my adoptive mum as my mum.
It was a brief half an hour conversation while I was driving home from a football match with him so we didn't really go in to a lot of detail.
It was one of the most stressful things I've ever had to do but I'm glad I did it, the frustrating thing for me is that he said that he'd continue the conversation with me but never has. I wish I knew how to approach him again but I'm struggling.

Any morale support and understanding from anyone out there would be appreciated.

Sorry if I've waffled a load of rubbish, I'm typing this quickly whilst on my lunch at work.

Thanks mark
marshen
 
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Re: First contact with half brother via facebook, HELP!

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed May 18, 2016 9:53 am

Hi Mark

I'm glad you are keeping in touch with your brother. It must help enormously that you are both working to keep the relationship going - something which is lacking in my daughters attempts to keep up with her siblings.

I sympathise with your dad. it is hard for a parent to know when your child wants to talk about their birth family. Our daughter is 15 and has so much going on her life so I'm waiting for her to start the conversation. From what you've said, its possible she's waiting for me to bring it up.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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