Down Days :(

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Down Days :(

Postby rc01 » Wed Aug 19, 2015 12:54 am

Hey everyone I haven't posted in a while and tbh haven't been thinking about Adoption much at all. Life with adoptive family and birth family has been pretty settled in the last few years.

I was fostered and adopted with my 2 birth sisters , both older than me and unfortunately therefore they both suffered a greater length of time of neglect in the birth family home before being removed. Anyway in the last few months my eldest sister who is just 35 has become very ill with a disease called Korsakoff's Syndrome related to alcoholism. It has affected her short term memory where she cannot remember most of the last few years of her life or what happened yesterday, this morning or even 20 minutes ago. After spending 6 weeks in hospital she is now in long term residential care.

The whole situation has made me revisit adoption once again and the inevitability of the whole thing. From my adoption file I know our birth mother was an alcoholic, her parents alcoholics and so on. Same pattern with men and relationships also.. I then look at my other sister who is doing reasonably well however has never had a long term relationship with a partner and is 34, refuses to discuss any emotional issues and has problems dealing with money (tends to overspend from her income and will do anything to borrow/beg/has been known to steal to get it) usually to spend on over extravagant gifts for other people. This latest trait is something I know from birth family to be something my birth father did also along with his gambling addiction.

Well I have my own problems also, I always think I've "dealt" with my issues re adoption then it always comes back sometimes years later and hits me. I listened to an interesting Radio 4 programme re adoption recently discussing the "Nuture vs Nature" stuff and how kids getting adopted these days are so damaged it is an uphill struggle to get them back on track.

I wonder if these feelings of duality ever go away? Is someone adopted ever free of their ghosts/fears? Feeling a bit helpless and sorry for myself and just wanted to share some of my torment which now and again feels like it will explode out of me. I wrote this the other night which is bleak but a wander into the head of an adopted person, the psychology is blatant and obvious yet somehow that doesn't help me move on.

Anyway, it's late again and writing this post has being useful if only to make sense of what's in my head. Thanks as always for listening. Becky xx

Everyone thinks that they know me;
They see the suit and the smile
Self satisfaction nods their approval
Yet letters and title disguise.

Social experiments involving children..
A little girl lost in a maze..
Why will you love me mummy?
What do I do to make sure you stay?

Over and over the patterns repeat me
How can I please you sir?
Yes is a word that defines me
But there are not enough hours in each day.

And so the lids of my eyes are heavy
Breath in and out lungs whistle and cry
My brain is on fire with vast puzzles
Sleep an elusive dream in the night again.

Expectation and dependency haunt me
I do not know where to turn
The guilt of my truth is like cancer
It attacks every drop of the blood.

My heart absorbs the fear within me,
It wants to jump straight out of my chest.
I am a broken chamolean
Frightened of the revelation to come.

Repeat, replay, again, again,
The addicted sequences roll on.
Product of destined cells, nature has its course.
Nurture but a fleeting comfort, perhaps a cruel test?

Mummy, Daddy, I'm 33
I am still an empty shell and
Unsure where and how to begin.
The tension has altogether devoured me
And now I'm full of regret.
Yet somewhere I know the answer
The core of me must be wholly bad.
rc01
 
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Re: Down Days :(

Postby Donotunderstand » Sun Aug 23, 2015 4:36 pm

I've read your post twice now and I don't know what to say as it so sad. I hope at least that writing it down and knowing that people hear you has helped in some small way.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Down Days :(

Postby julie2009 » Tue Aug 25, 2015 3:32 pm

Hi I just read your post and your poem which is very well thought out and meaningful. I can hear your hurt in what you are saying. I am sorry about your sister's condition too but you know the old saying you can choose your friends but not your family which is very true.

I found out my own BM died as an alcoholic at the age of 41. She died of a burst stomach ulcer which was caused by drinking. She had three children. Also discovered her brother is also an alcoholic and that their mother died of liver cancer.

I don't think anyone gets over their adoption issues. Sometimes I try to ignore things but when I sit and think about them and what others have said on these forum I can relate to them also especially always trying to please others, trying to never offend someone encase you turn them against you. i used to think of these issues as being childish but they are not.

I too feel sorry for myself and you are entitled to feel like this as you are only human and you have had a lot to deal with in life which you should be proud of yourself.

Hope you start to feel better soon but remember you are your own person and look after yourself. Same goes for your two sisters.

Take care and hugs

Julie xx
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Location: co. antrim

Re: Down Days :(

Postby cleo » Tue Sep 01, 2015 6:44 pm

hi rc,

sorry to hear your'e having a down day, and reading your poem also hit home about my apin, although being a birth mum and not an adopted child, i can compare certain issues:
I am still an empty shell and
Unsure where and how to begin.
The tension has altogether devoured me
And now I'm full of regret.
Yet somewhere I know the answer
The core of me must be wholly bad.

This is something i also ask myself, i must be such a bad person in someway that i cannot see, yet all i asked from my son was to be honest, like i was with him, but it was only after 2 years of total silence on his part did he finally send a mail to say that he no longer wanted contact with me....even today i go over a million times what i did or said, but i cannot find the answer...maybe there is'nt one, he has a perfect family with his a.mum that my feelings do not matter, yet he was the one that said he would never break contact.....funny how people say one thing and do another.........

i feel your pain rc, and you are not alone, this forum has helped me too, i do ramble on about how i feel and it doe's help me to write it down and get it out of my system, even if for a short while...i have no one else to turn too, my parents did not acknowledge my pregnancy all those years ago and no nothing of my sons contact 4 years ago, apart from my husband and the peopleon here, i am all alone with my feelings...i sometimes feel as though i have been thrown through hell, but always manage to get back up again.

I am here if you want to talk, i may not be able to help, but to listen is better than nothing....take care
cleo
 
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Re: Down Days :(

Postby ladyarcher70 » Wed Sep 09, 2015 8:46 pm

I don't think that any experience that any person has is erased from making some sort of impact on them at some time...... however.......with adoption it is rather different from 'ordinary' people. The difficulty is in trying to rationalise this 'difference' when trying to explain it. I don't think it can be done, making other people understand. I don't say this in any 'poor little me' way, just that there are some things that cannot be understood without having had that particular experience, and adoption is one of those things.

I can only relate it to perhaps the experience of being widowed. I have three very long term friends who have all lost their husbands in the last three years........ none of these ladies knows each other.....but all are my friends from different times of my life....... the most recently widowed one has been a close friend for over 30 years, and her husband died most recently, only four months ago.......she says that until it happened to her she had absolutely no concept of what it would be like.......although she has other friends, and a sister, who are widowed.......until it happens to you, you have no idea, no matter how good you think your imagination is..........I think the same applies to adoption.

The thing is ...... that once you have been adopted, you can't be 'un-adopted'....... it is a part of you that you cannot change...... we know, logically, that it is not our fault.......but somehow it sort of feels as if it is......... no adoptee can ever feel totally un affected, no matter how much they deny it, like Michael Gove does.......even to feel the need to deny it proves that there is an effect that has to be denied..........if you can follow this rather convoluted reasoning.......none of us adoptees is born a 'bad' person.......and neither are our birth mothers.........

Many of you will remember my joy at finding my adopted separately full sister after a very long - 40 year - search....... I won't post the detail here, but sadly, at present, our relationship has gone a bit t...ts up........ maybe I will detail it in a separate post, so as not to 'thread kidnap'....... but she is another in total denial about long term effects of adoption on her, yet they are so obvious...... and she too has alcohol problems.....and in her case, paranoia re contact with our b.family

Rc01...... you are not a bad person....... nor are you Julie, nor you, Cleo....... nor am I ....... and yet we are all affected by adoption....(as is DoNot because of the child she has adopted.....but in a different way).......and...... yes.......it does come back and 'bite you' when you think that you have got it sussed for a while.........

LA70+
born 1944 - adopted 1946 etc
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Re: Down Days :(

Postby big sky » Fri Sep 11, 2015 4:40 pm

Dear All
Sorry I am on adopted people" forum. I was going to post and could possibly help but feel that I am not welcome.

Take care all
big sky
 
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Re: Down Days :(

Postby Donotunderstand » Sat Sep 12, 2015 9:29 am

Hi big sky

I think its good to read other people's thoughts - that's what forums are about in my view. We won't always agree with each other and might unintentionally offend but don't let that stop you posting. :-)
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Down Days :(

Postby julie2009 » Fri Sep 18, 2015 11:15 am

Hi Big sky - I echo fully what donotunderstand has said but everyone is entitled to their own opinion - some we may agree with others we don't.

It was only after I read some of the birth mothers stories on this site it made me realise the horrific decisions each and every one of them had to make and again their decisions were never made likely and the pain each of them has had to endure over the years. These being Cleo, Slyvie and Josie. Those are the only ones I can name from the top of my head.

So please feel free to post on this site. I don't think anyone has been made to feel unwelcome. LA will always make you feel welcome she did for me and for many others.
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Re: Down Days :(

Postby julie2009 » Fri Sep 18, 2015 11:24 am

LA great to see you back with your words of wisdom. I would appreciate your advice on my thread "Whether to contact Birth Cousin". Part of me is wary of opening a new can of worms regarding BM sister (remember the hostile attitude towards me last year)

Sorry to hear your relationship with your sister isn't going too well. Probably one of those things in life. Sorry to hear about the demons she is facing.

Thanks for the reassurance LA as usual. We adoptees are not bad. We didn't ask to be born again it is just life in general. Some people just handle adoption issues better than others.

Take care

Julie xx
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