finished contact with b.mum but now post openly

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finished contact with b.mum but now post openly

Postby cleo » Thu Jun 18, 2015 2:51 pm

Hi everyone,

i wanted to ask a question to those who have been adopted and have found their birth mum or dad and got in touch with them, only to stop contact after a couple of months.

I would like to know if you have no longer contact because you want no more, do you put things on fb or twitter or other social networks for your b.parents to get a glimpse of what you are upto without actually being in contact if you see what i mean, or do you keep everything locked tight?

I ask this because my son wants no more contact with me, his fb is closed, and doe'snt often change his profile photo, but since he told me to no longer contact him, he had changed his photo a couple of times to more personal photos of himself and my Grandson.

And on another page he often writes what he is upto and posts photos there too...i found out that the page can also be locked tight if the person wants nobody but friends seeing this.....so why is he now putting more things on?

I would just like the point of view from somebody to try and understand his actions, as he posted nothing in the two years i was waiting to hear from him, and now since he told me he wants nothing to do with me, it seems he posts more stuff, maybe for me to see...or not?

Thanks to anyone who can shed light and maybe in the same situation
cleo
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: finished contact with b.mum but now post openly

Postby MD » Wed Jul 08, 2015 11:49 am

Hi Cleo,

I haven't posted on here for a few years! but your post struck a chord with me. I tried to make contact with my BM back in 2011 but she would not have contact with me. I knew she was on Facebook and so I purposely opened up my profile so that she could see everything I was up to in the hope that she would see the type of person I am... in the hope that she would change her mind. After a couple of years I locked it all back down again as it was clearly not having the desired effect. But I did leave one section open to be viewed by all, and I still leave messages there for her on a regular basis. Of course I have no way of knowing if she ever reads the messages, but I live in hope that she does... and that one day she changes her mind.
Struggling with small talk since 1969
MD
 
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Re: finished contact with b.mum but now post openly

Postby cleo » Thu Jul 09, 2015 7:05 pm

Hi MD,

thanks for replying, can you tell me why your mum wants no contact with you, have you ever met up? What sort of messages do you leave her, are they personally to her?

I'm just trying to understand my sons reaction....he said he was happy to have me back in his life but then shut down after a couple of months without no explaination, and when i asked, he would never answer, until after 2 years of total silence i sent a text saying i would come and look for him wanting to know what i had do so terrible for him to shut off as if i never existed...he text back just a couple of hours later (to my shock) and said that he wnated no further contact that he has had a fab upbrining with fab A.parents and that i was to no longer contact him as he was never looking for an intense Relationship which he thought this was getting!!!! I have'nt got in touch with him for the last 2 years apart from the birthdays of him and my Grandson...how can that be intense?...anyway like i said before i could not see anything on fb etc, but since he has told me to forget him, he posts quite regulary....i just find it odd, why he would do this......and sometimes photos of présents i had sent my grnadson at the beginning...i just cannot understand him.....and although i was deeply hurt at the start, not knowing what i had said or done, but now looking back i think deep down he never really wanted a relationship with me, he just wanted to know about his past, end of....well thats what i am guessing anyway (if you read my other posts) all i wanted was to get to know my son whenever i was over, but i guess after the initial overwhelming feeling of reunion, he just wanted out and by ignoring me, i might just go away.......i am still hurt but i do feel anger too at being such an idiot for ever thinking we could have a mother and son Relationship :-§............there are adopted children who i know would love to have a b.mum that whants to know about them...but not my son...maybe later on in life he may have a change of mind, but i am no longer getting my hopes up for that any more, i'm just sad that now 2 grandsons will probably not even know about me, although they already have 2 grandparents i guess thats enough.....i have to move on and try and forget them all, i don't cry myself into a state anymore.

How do you cope with knowing your mum is out there but she' doe'snt want to know you are you married, children etc? Doe's anyone else know about your B.mum?

I find it so sad when all we want is to love and be loved by the people we have waited so long for...take care md
cleo
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: finished contact with b.mum but now post openly

Postby MD » Tue Jul 14, 2015 12:39 pm

Hi Cleo,

My situation is ridiculously complex. Briefly... I have an older Sister who was also adopted and who I have regular contact with (which has brought me so much joy over the last couple of years!) . She has sporadic contact with our BM, but it is all in secret and only by text... Our BM has never told her family about either of us and she claims that my BF is not the man she is married to, though he is my Sisters BF... A DNA test has proven that we both share the same BF though. We have three other brothers who were born after our parents got married, but who do not know about us... So the simple answer as to why my BM will not have contact must be that she can not bring herself to tell her family about us and perhaps our BF does not want contact either... I'm guessing because I don't really know...

All of my adoptive family know about my situation and they are all really supportive. I love them dearly and was really afraid about their reaction to my search, but I couldn't keep it from them and they have all been amazing.

My BM created a Facebook account within weeks of sending me the letter telling me not to contact her again (almost 3 years ago now), so I assumed that she did this so she could see me and my Sister on there. That was why I opened up my account to be public and why I still put messages there for her. Yes, they are personal to her... Happy Mothers Day, Birthday etc as well as reminding her that I still hope for a change of heart and that I am still open to hearing from her. It doesn't appear to be working though :-/ Still it gives me a sense of maintaining some connection to her, all be that it is one sided. Time is not on my side, she isn't 'old' by today's standards, but I can't help but feel like time is running out for us.

I really only want the chance to meet her, to tell her everything is OK, that she made the right choices... and hopefully build a relationship that works for both of us. It would also be amazing to meet my three brothers, who seem to have taken very similar paths in life to myself, despite our separate lives, but I know that is a big ask given my status as 'the family secret'.

It's not an easy thing to come to terms with, and in all honesty I don't think I have yet. I think about her regularly, still hope she changes her mind. I could contact my Brothers, or even my BF, but this feels like a betrayal to my BM... I am her secret... Do I have the right to reveal it to the rest of her family?

It's very easy to make assumptions as to why someone is doing something of FB. I've made plenty of my own when I've seen updates on my BM page... or one of my Brothers pages. But in reality, without being able to talk to them, we don't really know if there was any thought process behind it at all... perhaps they just don't realise what is public and what is private on FB... Security on there has changed a lot over the last couple of years and sometimes settings are changed with out people realising.

I hope one day we can all get what we want... or come to terms with what we can never have

Mat
Struggling with small talk since 1969
MD
 
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Re: finished contact with b.mum but now post openly

Postby cleo » Fri Jul 17, 2015 6:35 pm

Hi mat,

Crikey, what a sad situation knwoing you have other brothers too, i can understand about weither to get in touch with them or not, i feel the same way about my sons A.mum, as he told me that his mum was always honest about his adoption and would talk about me openly, but that it was him that would shut off when the subject arose. But when he came looking for me, he nevr told his mum, there are times when i think maybe i should contact her and let her know about me, because again like you time is running out, especially that she is 15 years older than me and that his A.dad has already died of cancer..;thats the reason he came looking for me i think. I would love to meet his A.mum and i think deep down she owuld like to know about me too, but when i think long and hard about it, maybe it will upset the apple cart, i don't know, because my son doe'snt want any contact with me. I still find it hard to understand why, we got on so well, but he did'nt want the same things as me, which again hard to understand because i live so far away that i could maybe see him for an hour once every 4-6 months, but when i asked to see him, he'd say ok for the weekend, then i would'nt hear from him again until the week after saying he was away at a stag do or some other excuses...i did say..;if you knew you were going away why say that we could meet up, getting myhopes up for nothing. Then when i was ging back home he'd send me a text saying i was'nt being fair?!!!

I never said a bad word towards him, just asked him to be honest with me...but that never happened, until after two years of silence when i got so upset wondering what i had done so wrong for him to be like this, anyway i said i would come looking for him (as in the meantie he had moved away too and then had another son) that really hurt me...anyway after sending the text thats when he sent one back (not forgetting that i have'nt heard from him in over 2 years) that he wanted no further contact as he was'nt looking for an intense Relationship which he thought this had turned into?!!! again totally gobsmacked by this.....its taken quite a while to get over his text, as if i am nothing to him.

What i wanted to say was that he never told his A.mum about finding me and i doubt he has or will ever tell her...like you i am guessing at alot of things and Wonder what i shoud do for the best, but everything just seems to go against me.....yet i know i am not a bad person, i just wanted to have the chance after 30+ years to get to know my son better, i've loved him from the start, yet even though he says he understands why i had him adopted i feel i am being punished again, even though in his first letters to me, he said we will always stay in cntact..in fact he said alot of nice things but at the end of the day i Wonder if he really mean't the words, he even called me mum twice, which was totally unexpected and also being called a grandmother at the time his son was a year old -. I have alot of pain trying to understand why, but i just go around in circles, adn then when i read stories like yours, where you would love to have your BM wanting to know you but she wants nothing to do with it....makes me upset, i wish we could reverse everything. I would give anything to get to know my son properly.

My husband has been very supportive over the last 3 years, although he is very down to earth, he did say that i risked getting hurt if i open myself up, and he was right, but i was afraid at the time that if my son thought i did not care then he would let go......well...he let go anyway.

I would love my son to still contact me with little messages like you are doing, at least like you said you have some contact with her, and she knows deep down that you care about her. I hope for a change of heart in my son too, but i guess after the birth of his 2nd son that i normally do not know about (i found out via a social network he uses) that i am not important to him for him to tell me.

I Wonder what your 3 brothers would say if they did find out about you, do you have similarities, do you have same hair colourings etc...i guess its our only way, like i said in previous posts, its my little keyhole in my sons door that i can peek through now and again when he posts something in public, its not alot, abit like grabbing at strings, but i hope one day he will have a change of heart.

I have done a page for my grandsons to let them know what i get upto and that i have been following them when possible, and hope one day when they are old enough to maybe get in contact with them...but that abit far stretched at the moment i know. y Grandson will turn 5 in november, i am 50 so as you can tell i will still be a youngish grandmother when they are old enough to understand.

My son works on computers for a living so i am sure he knows the ins and outs of the security side of things, thats why i Wonder why he puts certain photos with the présents i have bought for my Grandson in the past, he post in the photo..there really is no need to involve the present but he doe's....again asking myself alot of questions but getting nowhere.

I think about my son nearly everyday but i don't look at his photos i have on my phone so often now, i just get abit upset as to why he treated me the way he did. But then again you have the same with your Bmum.

What doe's your AM think about your BM reactions, is she sad that there is no contact? Do you have your own family too?

I wish i could change things for us that are in the same boat, but i guess everyone reacts differently, Take care Mat (is that short for matthew?)
cleo
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm


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