Long lost family - What Happened Next

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Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby Turtle » Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:36 am

Did anyone watch the update of Long Lost Family last night?

I felt it started to show a more realistic view of reunions. The initial programmes, with their fairy tail ending, were all a bit convenient. We were never told of any searches that they made where either the b.parent or the adoptee refused to meet. Even within the shows they aired, there were sometimes siblings missing without any explanation.

I think these updates, might at last show what really happens. That things don't always work out.
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby julie2009 » Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:00 am

Hi Turtle

Glad to see you back on the forums. I didn't watch it last night because last weeks episode was too close to home for me when the adoptee discovered her BM had died but was welcomed by her aunt and her half-sisters something that didn't happen for me when my BM sister decided bringing up the past was taking a toll on her health and wished me all the best for the future in simple terms - bye bye. Again going by this programme I discovered that some BMs had managed to take a photograph of their baby at the time. When she contacted me about this her attitude was why would any photos have been taken or no-one would have thought of bringing a camera. I also discovered that some members of the BM family did visit them while they will still staying at the unmarried mother's hostel after the baby was born because again in this programme last week the birth aunt did mention that her sister held the baby up to them at the window before they left.

I think the guy on last week who had moved to Austrailia wasn't keen about meeting up with his BM as he said he had a happy childhood but it was his wife and children who talked him round to agreeing to meet with her.

Hope you are keeping well and enjoyed your holiday.

Talk soon

Julie xx
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby Turtle » Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:37 am

Hi Julie.

I think the programmes are hard to watch. Most don't upset me, but one, a few weeks ago, with a male adoptee, was the first one to make me cry. I could see the pain in his eyes. Usually we see smiley adoptees, saying what a great life they had had. This time, we actually got a glimpse of the pain of adoption and the effects it has, and that really hit home with me. So I can understand you needing a break from it.

Not only did some b.mother's take photos, but a.parent's were asked to send a baby photo. My a.parents, were asked for a photo, but they never sent one. I think as far as my mother was concerned, I was hers and there was no way she was going to share me with the b.mother. I didn't find this out until I saw my files. It said that a photo had been asked for, but I already knew, when I asked my a.mum about it, what the answer would be. I doubt if my b.mother took one. She was with me for such a short time.

It is a shame that your b.family aren't more prepared to share information with you. It is a second rejection, as if the first one wasn't bad enough. It is one of the reason's I would not approach my b.family. I am pretty sure what the reaction would be, and I simply couldn't deal with another rejection.
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby julie2009 » Wed Sep 10, 2014 10:14 am

Hi Turtle

Was that the episode where the adoptee discovered both birth parents had gone on to marry each other and had two more sons. That episode also got to me but I was OK watching the other ones until the final one last week. Until then I hadn't realised how much of an effect all this was having on me. I got so depressed over the weekend thinking about it. Again more questions to ask and no-one to ask.

I actually applied for my birth file. I know I have all the details but I just want to see what else it contained especially any evidence of a hand written signature from my BM. I do remember my own mum telling me before she had been asked if she wanted to know any details about my BM but she declined.

I visited my BM home town a few weeks ago and was very tempted to approach her sister but with my mum and kids with me there was no chance of that happening but my mum did make a comment about a Courthouse delaying sending the papers from the town where my BM lived. I said well maybe the girl was from that town but she said she could have arrived from anywhere and that she never found out. I was staring at people wondering if any of them could be related to me in some way.

I was very hurt by my birth aunt's attitude Turtle as you say another rejection. I contacted the person who put me in touch with her in the first place and she emailed back saying she is definitely hiding something that she is afraid of being found out. She thinks she also gave a child up for adoption and I think Turtle she could be right as my birth aunt said that every time the past is dragged up it upets her and to leave things but before all this she couldn't have been happy to hear from me. Also she was very evasive in answering questions which she was bound to know the answers to.
I discovered she is coming to my home town in a few weeks time to see a concert and part of me wants to approach her in person but again what reaction would I get especially if her daughter is going to be there.

Sometimes things are best left in the past but again the curiousity gets to us and we need to know.

Julie xx
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby Turtle » Wed Sep 10, 2014 11:12 am

Yes, that was the episode Julie. I think the problem is, that by watching things like LLF, it opens up a lot of old wounds and raises so many questions. Also, it is hard seeing people have the "perfect reunion" even though it might not be as fairy tail as the programme makes out.

I didn't remember that you didn't have your birth file. It is definitely worth getting. MIne was really interesting and made me form different opinions on what happened.

My adoption papers were also delayed. My mum had commented on this before I picked up my file. She thought that my b.mother was having second thoughts, when it fact, according to my file, the papers hadn't be signed correctly and had to be done again.

If you have your aunts full name, you could find out if she gave up a child for adoption on Ancestry or Find my past. On both sites, it clearly shows that my mother had a child that "disappeared". If you are not on those sites, I can look for you, if you send me a PM with the info.
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed Sep 10, 2014 11:34 am

I watched it this morning. For me, it has highlighted the strong connection between siblings and I am glad that we have continued to keep in touch with our daughters brothers and sisters despite the fact that their adoptive parents have not been very willing until their children took matters into their own hands (facebook). The relationship between birth parent and child appears to be more difficult and I think that, even though birth mum is a relative in our case, as she is not willing to engage with our daughter, we are best leaving things until she is adult and more able to understand the why's and wherefore's. At least we know the true facts and although she knows the basics, we will be able to give more detail when she is ready.

Turtle, where do you find information about what children a person has on those sites?
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby Turtle » Wed Sep 10, 2014 12:02 pm

The sibling reunions are my favourites, as they seem so much more relaxed and genuine. There are no issues, as neither party had any say in what happened and so no one hold a grudge. I think the parent/child relationships are far more complicated and so have more things that can get in the way of them working out.

If you go onto any of these sites, Donotunderstand, and put in the mother's maiden name, then either the mother's maiden name again, under the child's surname or her husbands, if she was married at the time, then children with that mother's name will turn up. Then by connecting dates and places, you can usually work out the best links. Ancestry makes you juggle a bit with this, whereas Find my past, lists them in a nice block. I was unnamed so stand out like a sore thumb. There is then no trace of me, a sure sign of an adoption. I don't exist until my marriage. That is the first time I appear under my a.name. With a group of children you are unsure of, you just have to try and trace them further. If no marriages or deaths turn up, then chances are, they didn't remain with that family. It also works the other way round. If I had internet access growing up, I could have been easily putting in my a.mother's name and realise I didn't belong to that family. She only had two children. There was no hiding it! At least all this is going to help stop the lies.
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed Sep 10, 2014 12:30 pm

Turtle - Out of curiosity I've been on both sites but can't seem to do that. Perhaps you need a subscription.

Edit - I can do it on FindMyPast
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby Turtle » Wed Sep 10, 2014 1:33 pm

As far as I am aware, you need to be a member on both sites for them to search all of the records. I have to log on for them to work. I am doing a lot of research, so am registered with both.
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby ladyarcher70 » Wed Sep 10, 2014 3:15 pm

I really should subscribe to one of those sites........ we now have six grandchildren, latest one a second girl now aged nine weeks ........ at some time in the future they may be interested in their origins ...

.....strangely, it is I, the adoptee, who has the most extensive ancestor background........on my late. b.father's side, the late wife of one of my half bros. in Canada was very. keen on heritage......... and she sent me everything she had discovered on my half.bro's side, and others in the family have caught the 'bug' and have managed to go further back, as far as the 1400s..........and on my b.mother's side, in England, an elderly cousin gave me the extensive research he had done on that side of the family, as we share a grandparent, his father being a brother of my b.mother.....

.....my husband's family are very interesting, but we have only gone as far back as remembered stories, and a little done by my husband's cousin........not done it properly ourselves........on my 'ex's side, I know a bit, and should really make it available to my two boys from my first marriage.......but I have never written it down, and they have no contact - their choice - with their father......

Perhaps I will ask for Ancestry, or one of the others, for Christmas ....... it sounds from what you say, Find My Past is best.....there used also to be a thing called Cyndi's Lists, which had all the ship's passenger lists on it......don't know if it is still available.....

LA70
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Re: Long lost family - What Happened Next

Postby julie2009 » Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:12 am

Hi Turtle

Thank you so much for the kind offer. I applied for my birth file through a different adoption agency a week ago as all I was handed at the time was two sheets of paper with typed details of both birth parents on them but nothing else from my file was given to me at that meeting. The sw said she would need to retrieve it from storage and as my BM is now deceased she would require some evidence of this. I have an obituary from the local newspaper at the time.
She just said she would be in touch with me in due course.

I will pm you later with the details.

Julie xx
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