WHEN CONTACT ENDS

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WHEN CONTACT ENDS

Postby julie2009 » Wed Jul 30, 2014 9:48 am

Most of you may know I was the one initiating contact with my BM sister and yesterday recieved a rather blunt email from her saying the more she thinks about me making contact it is only bringing up painful memories and it is now taken a toll on her health. I explained to her I had always said from the start if this was too painful for her I would stop all contact but she always assured me this would never happen until now.

She rang my place of work this morning asking if I had any questions for her to answer and when I tried to say I was busy and would ring her back she retorted back to me as if I was a child and refused to let me get off the phone. I didn't know what to say as this was in front of some of my work colleagues.
I had always asked her to email me instead because I wouldn't be able to talk because of work.

I was hurt by all this and angry at the same time because I didn't do anything.

Julie xx
julie2009
 
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Re: WHEN CONTACT ENDS

Postby ladyarcher70 » Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:03 pm

I suppose the main problem you have with your aunt, Julie, is that you don't really know enough about her life.....you don't know enough about how things were when your b.mother and your aunt were growing up together, and their relationship to each other, not enough about when your b.mother had you, and not enough about how your aunt's life has been, and is now....... it may be that she has other stresses that she does not talk about to you........I think you did mention some time ago in a post that she had wanted less contact for a while because of other family problems.......
..
I may be wrong, but I have never thought that memories, however painful, actually influence health....... I think it more likely that your aunt's health is maybe not good anyway and perhaps she does not have enough 'head' space to cope with more than one problem at a time......now, logically, you are not a problem.....you have been very gentle and sensitive towards your aunt...... and perhaps if she had been more open with you at the beginning she would not feel pressured now........the pressure is of her own making I feel........and a lot of her withdrawal from you may be based on her own guilty feelings................

It is immensely hurtful and frustrating to know that this person has a lot of the answers that you would love to know about......it is not always the big things that we want to know about our birth family, often the little details are more prized.............if only people would understand this........we adoptees don't want to make waves, all we want is the sort of knowledge that non adoptees grow up with and take for granted............

I think I would be inclined to write to her saying you respect her decision though it saddens you because she is the only link you have to your b.mother.........you would however be grateful if she could fill some of the gaps that you feel, by putting little answers to the questions you enclose.........one word answers would do.......then put down all the things you can think of that you want to know.......perhaps things like favourite food/music/book/colour/place/season of the year etc ..........the way your mother did her hair at different ages...... that sort of thing......... nothing difficult or aggressive......mostly things that would only need one or two word answers............also may be questions about your grandparents on a similar line......or maybe not, if that would be undiplomatic.........can't remember what you said about your grandparents..........anyway, just have the questions on a separate piece of paper, and enclose a stamped addressed envelope.....also put in the letter part that if she ever changes her mind about contact with you, then your door is always open.............it may be that you never hear from her again.........but at least you have tried.....

(((hugs))))

LA70
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Re: WHEN CONTACT ENDS

Postby julie2009 » Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:45 am

Hi LA I always knew I could count on your valuable advice and wisdom in all this. At one point I had thought the same as you she feels some sort of guilt in all this as she was the one who accompanied her sister to make these decisions at the time alongside an older spinster aunt and because her sister isn't here she feels partly responsible.

I had always said to her LA if she felt too pressurised we would leave things and I would understand but each time she kept saying this would never happen until now. You are right I have always been considerate towards her as all adoptees have a habit of doing for the fear of offending someone.
I just asked her one day if she could remember hobbies her sister would have liked and she replied back saying it was too long ago and she can't remember much about her. I don't believe that as there was only a year between both of them and their own mum was no longer alive. I sat the other day going through all the letters she sent me at the start and she was very helpful in recalling certain memories.

I asked her in an email the other day about her mum as she said if I had any other questions I needed answered to let her know. She rang my place of work yesterday with a bit of an attitude and said so you want to know what my mother died of then. I told her it wasn't convenient for me to talk but she refused to listen and ranted a bit down the phone. There was really no need for that at all. She had me in tears last night over all this.
By the way LA she is only turning 70 this year it is not as if she is too old to remember things.

I explained to her that she was only one I could turn to for answers as her sister was no longer alive. She didn't comment on this just that she had told me all she could remember.

Regarding her parents her father knew his daughter was pregnant but I don't think he knew what happened after that. She said the only people who knew about me was her, her brother and more than likely a deceased aunt.

Thanks for the comment about trying LA I did and it really got me nowhere.

Hope you are keeping well yourself

Julie xx
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Posts: 519
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Location: co. antrim


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