Don’t get on with adoptive mum.

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Don’t get on with adoptive mum.

Postby Turquoise sea » Mon Jun 23, 2014 2:20 pm

Hi! Does anyone else have any difficulties with their adoptive parents?

My mum is very different to me in a lot of ways and she’s not always tolerant. I seemed to spend my childhood doing the wrong thing even though other kids did far worse and never got into trouble. Any difference of opinion or individuality was squashed, sometimes quite cruelly. She gave me no independence as a teenager and I accepted that she’d waited so long for me that she didn’t want to let me grow up and leave her. But I couldn’t wait to get away from the strict regime and got my own place after university even though I was expected to go back home and pick up where I left off! It took me years to gain confidence once I was away from her influence.

Now as an adult she still has unrealistic expectations and if I don’t see her enough she tells her friends I’m a selfish daughter! To be honest I try to ‘do my duty’ so that I won’t feel guilty when she dies, but she makes me feel stressed every time I see her. Now I see her enough so that I don’t feel guilty (and I do try to see the best in her), but not enough that she sucks away at my confidence and energy. These days it feels like I’m always trying to make her feel better, e.g. if her friends have upset her, and its so wearing because she never makes me feel better about myself, only worse!

Luckily my Adoptive Dad is absolutely lovely!
Adopted at 6 weeks old in 1972, birth mother was unmarried. Always known I'm adopted. Saw adoption file 2011.
Turquoise sea
 
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Joined: Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:40 pm

Re: Don’t get on with adoptive mum.

Postby ladyarcher70 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 5:35 pm

Hello TurquS........I can sort of relate to your problem with your a.mother.......mine was not intolerant in that way, but she could always make me feel that I did not quite measure up to what was 'expected'...... mine too wanted me to come back home..... although when I was little she always told all her friends that I 'wanted to be a nurse'.....she had made me a little nurse costume, so this was sort of brainwashed into me from very young, and I think she thought I would nurse at our local hospital, but at our school we were encouraged to apply to larger hospitals and my best friend was going to the Middlesex in London......so my mother arranged for me to get an interview at the Radcliff in Oxford, which was also very prestigious .....I got in, but was very unhappy and homesick as I had never been away from home 'til then....

Mine too would complain to all her 'friends' if she felt she was not getting enough attention.......during my first marriage, when I was living at a distance of about 25 miles from her, and I was at home all day with our two small boys, she would ring me several times a day for long conversations.....bear in mind that in those days you could talk all day for fourpence ....I am talking about the 1960s......we would also have to visit and usually stay every weekend with my a.parents.........and of course spend every Christmas with them, and Easter and Bank Holidays, and our summer holiday away with them too..........never with my 'in-laws.............after a few years my husband got moved in his work to Wales.......and they visited us within two weeks of our move.......then again within a couple of months of our move......so they were actually staying at the time my first husband went off with the wife of another chap at his work.....................looking back I often wonder how much my a.paremts constant presence had to do with my ex. wandering off to pastures new ....not that it was anything to do with my mild and quiet a.father.........he just did what he was told, and had always said when I was growing up that 'we must not upset Mummy'.........

Years later, my second husband rescued me from my a.mother.........a.father having died by then ........ my second husband would have nothing to do with my a.mother's tricks and ploys, and simply told her to stop behaving like the 17 year old girls that he taught.........he stopped her from finishing taking over my two boys, and made sure that she did not take over our three either..........she did not like him, nor did her friends, and after she died I found diary entries where she said I had been 'horrid' to her, and uncomplimentary things about my husband too .....happily we are still married 37 years on, and he was a wonderful father to the two boys from my first marriage....... but even after all these years I can still feel the guilt I felt at 'deserting' her for my new husband...........I have to remind myself that she adopted me 'for her' not for 'me' ......

LA70
Still me, the same LA, but I had so much trouble trying to sign in after a password prob. that I have re-registered, adding my 'new age' as part of my 'name'....lol...
ladyarcher70
 
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