How often do you think about them?

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Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Mon Sep 01, 2014 8:16 pm

Evening Julie,

Well i got back from my trip, and did not try and contact his mum any further for the moment, i just seem to keep going around in circels trying to find out what the best option would be, but everyone's opinion is different..;so what to do for the best...i don't know?

Yes FB is a pain at times, what i have done, although my heart was racing at the time, is that i sent a friend request to one of my son's friends who is also a work collegue, who has a dog, so i made a false profile, and syaing about my interests in dg rescue's etc etc, i was so nervous when his freind asked if he knew me and how i knew him...but he accepted my request.....but i can only see very limited things about my son via his page, unless he gets tagged in a photo, yesterday while on my false page i saw a video of my son doing the ice bucket challenge, it was'nt long, but long enough to get a glimpse of him...

Sad thing is though i don't know if it hurts more seeing him like this knowing he is getting on with his life happily without me, i know he's done this for the last 30 years before he found me, but still....the pain is so deep.

Its difficult to say what you should do too, i too always think what if i get in touch with his mum, what can of worms would it open, maybe my son would hate me even more if i did this, as his mum would surely Wonder how i found out about her?

And what if mum son gets in touch then with my family, who still have no idea about him contacting manys ifs and buts....My sons's son is in november so i will send his parcel then, but i will send it to his works place as i have no other adress anyway.

My son looks so like me too, even when i met his girlfreind she even said how we looked alike, i guess thats something else that hurts deep Inside, dear julie its hard to decide what to do, like we both have said, everyone reacts differently, i'm so unsure what to do from day to day.

I will leave his mum for now and see what happens in november although it will be 3 years now that i've had no news from my son, it will be my 50th as well in january, a week exactly after his birthday, and keep wondering on that too, will he send me a message or not...but i won't hold my breath.

I think too i hurt alot because my son said alot of nice things to me when we first meet, but now i Wonder if he just said that to get information out of me? He told me he was so happy about having me in his life and that we'd have a lifetime of getting to know each other, he also called me mum twice, and said that he loved me.....then a couple of months later...nothing, cut off as if i never existed...thats what hurts me the most. and nothing can repair that damage.

Julie whatever you decide, its how you feel, and what you think would be the best for you, its not easy trying to be in somebody else's place, we really don't know how people will react, maybe positive or negative...;why doe's it have to be so i said all i wanted was a little time with my son when i came over, not even an hour, but i guess that was too much too ask.

I cope different with my emotions every day, i have ups and downs and try to understand the non comprehensible situation that we are in

Take care Julie, and thankyou again for listening to me, i'm not very good at expressing my emotions and feel as though i'm repeating myself a hundred times, but at least i can get abit out of my system, and knowing that i am not alone with these tormenting feelings.

Let me know what you decide to do ok, take care x
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Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby julie2009 » Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:57 am

Hi Cleo

Well I decided to send the letter on Friday and received a phone call from her yesterday saying how could any photos have been taken and why would any have been taken and also how much did the person I initially contacted at the start knew about her sister and then she burst into tears. She was sobbing that much Cleo I couldn't make out what she was saying. All I can assume is she is still trying to protect what her sister did for the fear of anyone finding out.
She needs to realise this decision was made 43 years ago and she has nothing to feel ashamed of.

I contacted the person who told me all about the family last week and she is trying to find out things for me about her other children. She has sworn she will not let slip anything but I now feel that someone has said something to BM sister and this is why she asked this question yesterday. Part of me feels well she wouldn't tell me anything about the other children so how was I supposed to find anything out.

I found a girl on FB who resembles my BM and she was on her cousin's friends list which I frequently look at. I was going to do the same as you make a false profile to see if anyone would contact me - something like trying to an old friend of my mum's.

Cleo I am sure how FB works. If you send a friend's request and it gets accepted does that mean you find out more about them. I am all new to this.

I am sure your heart was racing seeing your son on video. I wasn't expecting to hear back from BM sister after I sent the letter but what I can't understand is that you told her brother all about me and how nice I was and now all this. I just don't get it and I am wrecking my brain trying to work it out.
Then I thought last night was her sister the one who talked her round to the adoption and she feels responsible now. That person I spoke to at the start of all this made a comment one day saying she had thought her sister had given up a child for adoption too but I would never repeat that to her. She would end up taking this person for slander. You need to watch what you say to her but again she wasn't too gentle in what she said to me but I am not that type of person Cleo. I always try not to offend people or hurt their feelings but where does that get you in life.

Thanks for listening too.

Julie xx
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Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Fri Sep 05, 2014 10:50 am

Hi again Julie,

I'm not too sure how FB works either but when i made "friends" with my sons mate yes my heart was especially when the friend asked "do you know me?" i said no but saw he was interested in dogs and walks etc just like me....he did accept the request ;-)....but sadly i cannot get more info about my son unless the friend " tags" my sons name...which he did do in the week for this ice bucket which i got to see my son doing his, ok it was only 23seconds of video, but was heartwarming to see him.

I know what you mean about all the feelings too, like you i think, well i should contact his mum because he has sut me off and i would like to know more about her and how my son was brought up and perhaps have photos of him as he was growing up and what he liked or disliked etc etc, mainly every day things that cross my mind.

But then i think maybe i will be opening another can of worms, as none of my family know about my son contacting me, in fact none of my family know about my son full stop apart from my muù and dad of course, but they have never ever spoken about it, its like it never happened, i have had this secret to face all alone all my life, its so hard at times, then i got married and told my husband who was supportive, but now with everything that has gone on, he reckons that if my son did get back in contact that i should just leave well alone, he has hurt me so bad by cutting me off, it did put a strain on my marriage because of the state i used to get in when he cut me off for no reason...thing is like you julie, i dn't like to upset or get upset, all i want is to love and be loved, i ask for nothing more, but sadly it seems that its not for me, even though i have lots to give, i don't get any back, its all one way and then i end up sitting my my corner and not bothering with people, i think then that way i cannot get hurt!!! But then i get critisied for be anti social.....ah well, anyway i think too that i would be so scared of my family finding out now that that is one reason i won't contact his mum yet, its so difficult to know what to do for the for the moment i have little looks on fb and on twitter as he seems to put quite a few photos up on his porfile then takes them down again, but every day i check and if there is a new one then i copy it and put it away in a hidden folder, then put it onto a usb stick that i have hidden in my jewlery case...just in case my computers goes down.....

Must admit i wish now i had taken photos at the time of my sons birth, but it never even crossed my mind back then, its not like today that everything is posted at the second something happens in somebodies life. Its so hard to understand too how your BM sister would be feeling, perhpas too alot of mixed emotions, changing from one day to the next, like i understand now, adoption is so painful in all areas, and the emotional side is the toughest thing to cope with, highs and lows change with the slightest bit of news or photo or mail.

Sometimes i feel as though i lose all faith in people, i try to be nice and honest, although my husband says honesty never pays, lol

but i was honest with my son telling him about my feelings, i guess he just could'nt handle it, but at that time i thought if i did'nt show my emotions he probably would of thought that i never cared for him...whatever way, i came out the loser in the end.

I do make sure that i do not have any photos of me now on fb, just of my dog and my dogs life, i closed my personal account down when he cut me off. I don't know if he knows about my dogs account i suspect he doe's, because my dog is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes...i know that sounds sad, but there have been times i have been so low that even my husband could'nt comfort me. But i'm starting to face the fact that we had the chance to meet and at least i know he's doing well, and that now and again i can have a sneak preview into his life, its not alot, but its something.

Oh dear i've been babbling again, i do appreciate you mails and try to understand from your point of view too, like i said i think there are so many emtions we cannot control in adoption, we just get tangled up in it all, and at the end of it all end up in tears and with a splitting headache trying to understand the why's and what ifs!!!

Take care julie x
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Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby Donotunderstand » Fri Sep 05, 2014 11:19 am

Hi Cleo,

I've been following your posts and something you said rang a bell with me regarding facebook. My adopted niece used to have letterbox contact with all of us and then she and her brothers made facebook contact with her siblings (we adopted the youngest child as kinship adopters) which progressed to a face to face meet up last year. She only came to the first meet up but not the next two. She broke off facebook contact although she has recently re-added her oldest sister, and no longer writes to the others. Anyway, I noticed that she too puts new photos up on her facebook page for a week or so and then reverts back to some older ones. I was wondering if this is her way of keeping us in the loop until she is ready to make that connection again? Perhaps thats what your son is doing? For whatever reason, he can only cope with knowing you might see these pictures and be happy that he is getting on with life. I really don't think he is trying to hurt you but as in the case of my niece, its all he can offer right now.

Also, knowing adoptive mum may not make life any easier either. I have corresponded with a.mum of my niece & nephews for 11 years. We have been facebook friends since her children contacted their siblings but we do not post or comment or "like" anything on each others fb page. She gave me her mobile number when we arranged the first meet up but made it clear that it was for emergencies only. Everything is on her terms. I understand that as I am related to birth mum they want to exercise caution but I have always assured her that we will never intrude on their lives. Confusingly she and her husband have said that its only a couple of years before their children can arrange their own contact so they're not going to stress over it but they still want to maintain that control.

I hope there may be something in want I've written that will help you.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby julie2009 » Fri Sep 05, 2014 11:58 am

Hi Cleo

The things we do. I actually sent a friend request to a girl I met at a class 7 years ago today to see if she would accept it just to see exactly what can be shown from other people's profiles if anything. I spent all day yesterday looking up this girls friends list to see if I could see if her sister was mentioned and came across two people that could be her. I contacted that lady again by email to see if she knew her married name but I haven't heard back from her and now I will probably not hear from her until Monday morning when I check my emails again - it is so frustrating and this poor person relies on her computer as she can't get out and about much.

I saw from this girl's profile that her little one was being investigated for meningitis recently and also hit friend request by mistake. I went into her partner's photos and saw more photos of her and her little one and her other children. There wasn't much on hers. Also discovered her birthday is 3rd June and mine is the 7th June. Her eldest daughter is called Sarah and my youngest is also called Sarah. Went into profiles of the people I think could be her sister but again nothing much about them - have to try her husband/partners profile instead. I feel like a stalker doing this and what for in the end.

I read only your parents knew about your son Cleo. My heart really goes out to you having to cope with all on your own with the exception of your husband but you can lean on my shoulder too and I will do the same.

I was going to ring BM sister yesterday but sent her an email instead but again no answer whatsoever. I know she is coming to the town where I live in a few weeks time to see a concert and part of me feels like turning up outside the venue but again what purpose is it going to serve.
Maybe I should just leave things as they are and keep torturing myself about who my half siblings are looking for clues in their profiles.

Sometimes Cleo honesty doesn't pay in this world but if it is in your nature you can't change it.

Have a nice weekend and chat soon

Julie xx
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Location: co. antrim

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:40 pm

evening julie,

sorry have'nt been on here for a while, have had a few upsets in the family, with my mum and dad actually, things have gone haywire for some reason, i do not know, but they are just acting so different towards me these past months and now its got to the point where i am not speaking to them, and being abroad doe'snt help the situation.
I Wonder if my son or somebody got in contact with my parents and like 33 years ago are not saying anything, its as if my son never existed, but maybe its not that i just don't know, i have never ever tlaked about my son to my parents every since the day i told them i was was like it never happened for them.

I now feel totally in the dark and feel as though i have been living in another world all of these years, i don't know what i feel anymore to be honest, a feeling of extra lost of my son Grandson and now my parents, i ask myself what have i done to deserve all of this, all i want is to be happy, but it seems never ending since my son came looking for me.

I wish i could turn back the clock, but i knwo that will never happen and have to keep going forward, hoping that in the end everything will sort itself out......who knows!!

Take care julie i will write again soon x
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Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby ladyarcher70 » Tue Oct 07, 2014 11:24 pm

Cleo .....

.... I try not to think out scenarios as reasons for things as a rule,......... because we can drive ourselves quite crazy trying to second guess 'happenings......... but it is quite a thought that your son might have made some contact with your parents.......they are, after all, his grandparents and we adoptees do like to find our families .........when you met him did you give him enough info. even unintentionally, for him to find them...

.......if he did make contact with them, and got a harsh reception........ then that would be a very good explanation for his having cut you off .....

.... if for one moment you think that this is what has happened, then the only thing you can do is actually confront your parents.........I can't see you being able to do this actually, because you have been so conditioned over the years to the policy of theirs that if it is 'not mentioned then it hasn't happened' and that is how it is in their minds, or world...... I know you only say that things have been 'odd' with them for about a year........but is it really only a year, or does it actually date from around the time you met your live abroad, and don't see them too often, so perhaps it has been going on longer than you noticed......

Just thinking out loud here...... and I have probably done just what I said I try not to do, and invented a scenario......can your husband speak to them about it as he would be detached and not upset by them...... and he would have every right to speak to them because he would be protecting you......

(((hugs))) as ever .....

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Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby julie2009 » Thu Oct 09, 2014 11:28 am

Hi Cleo

You have nothing to apologise for and sometimes we do need a break from these forums but we always do come back to see how our friends are getting on.
You are such a caring and sensitive person Cleo and sometimes this world can be cruel which isn't fair.

I am sorry to hear you are not talking to your parents but until you ask them outright you will drive yourself crazy with all different scenarios and you may be worrying for all the wrong reasons.

I think in my case the reason why my BM sister cut off contact is because she feels so guilty that she was involved in the decision to have me adopted or as another person who knew of her said she was once in the same position as my BM and this could actually be true but you are left wondering.

I decided the other day to try and find people who stayed in the same unmarried mother's hostel was my BM. i came across an article in the guardian which was printed in 2004 about one of their journalists who stayed there a few years before my BM and I tried to email her to find out what way the place was run but going by her age she would be in her 80s now and probably no longer works there.

I sent a friend request to my BM sister's daughter on FB but I haven't heard back. I made the excuse I wanted to send a card for her mum's birthday.

Wouldn't it be great to turn back the clock but then again I think we are who we are and nothing can change this.

Sending this with Hugs Cleo you don't deserve all this treatment.

Take care and chat soon

Julie xx
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Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 2:42 pm
Location: co. antrim

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Sun Nov 02, 2014 9:03 am

Hi all,

donotunderstand i understand what you want to say, but i'm not sure that that is what my son os doing, he knows i'm no good on the computer so looking for stuff about him is like a needle in a haystack for me, its purely luck i come across something about him....;i just cannot get to grips about the way he has just totally blocked me out of his life as if i never existed!!!

It hurts so bad when i think about our time together just a few hours in total, and then to be suddenly cut off with no reason at all, just frustrated....

It was his partenr who found me on the social pages although he knows my parents only lived down the raod from him at the time...but i don't think now he would of got in contact with them...even getting in contact with me, it was his Partner who gave him the push, so to speak, as he was worried that i would'nt want to know him etc etc.

LA i know, my hubby says i think too much and make up all different ways of trying to understand, sadly now he says i should leave well alone, my son has'nt contacted me for years now and that i should just let go....that i had the chance to know he had a great upbringing and happy life now...end of....although i still get tempted to try and find his A.mum, i just wish i had the guts to go ahead with it though, i just back out, i think maybe my son would be angry with me if i do this, but then again he came looking for me and then just shut me off...why should'nt i be allowed to know more!!

Julie as you can guess my emotions are again all over the place not knowing what to do for the best....

At the end of the month its my grandsons hesitating wether to send it, as i found a photo this morning that my son had posted, to find out i am a grandmother again....i have posted on a new topic heart sank, so you can read it there.

Emotions all over the place again ;-((

Take care everyone
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