How often do you think about them?

Moderator: AfterAdoption

How often do you think about them?

Postby Turtle » Thu Apr 10, 2014 7:52 am

I was wondering how often you think about that missing family member in your life? Regardless of whether you are an adoptee or b.parent, and this may even apply to a.parents, do you think about that person that is missing in your life?

Cleo was talking about watching the birds in the garden, and suddenly thinking about her son. When I was dragging my sewing machine out of the loft the other day, I immediately thought of my b.mother, as I know from my files, that she was interested in dressmaking.

I am not talking about the large events in life - Christmas, birthdays etc, but more in everyday life. How often do they suddenly appear in your thoughts?

I have found, that since coming on the site and talking about adoption, that I think about my b.parents more. I must admit, before that, they didn't cross my mind that much. So perhaps things like this, act as a catalyst and bring them into our minds more.

Some people may see this as a positive thing, for others it might be overwhelming and sad. Personally, I tend to have more positive and curious thoughts, rather than negative ones.

I just wondered how typical it was for them to come into your everyday thoughts?
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Thu Apr 10, 2014 11:56 am

Hi Turtle,

I gues that i have had to face alot of ghosts from the past since my son came looking for me...i've had time to think and things crop up, although i think i did say in one mail that before i knew about my son, i used to wonder what he'd be up too and how he got on in life, but it was never in-deepth so to speak, because i did'nt know anything about him at all, what he interests might be, where he would be living, did he get on with his A.parents etc, it crossed my mind over the last 30 years but no to any extent like i said.

But since my son has contacted me, and i know some little things, his hobbies, his life style, his job etc, i get interested in it and imagine what he'd be up too, and to top everything my grandson too, although he is still a very young age, i do think....surely my son knows how i missed him, why won't he let me knwo about my very 1st grandson....i think as i write it sounds selfish...i rememeber one remark made that i should'nt forget that i was the one that let him go in the 1st place....he did'nt ask to be adopted, so why should i be part of his life now, just because he came looking for me.......that sentence has stuck with me ever since, i guess too thats why i have backed down now in getting back in contact. Sorry going off subject....

Yes i think alot more about my son, even though i try not too, but even when i'm out and i see a young chap walk by thinking...he's about the same age as my son, same hair colour or eyes, sometimes i realise i do stare too....when i'm out and walking about i think of our walks we had in the park on our 1st contacts, and the memories come flooding in, i think my favorite was when he picked me up and tried to throw me in the pond....jokingly of course, we used to jke how small i am but how strong i am too, lol i use to tease him and tickle him, and just hold hands and stare at him....it was an amazing couple of hours we spent, but sadly never to continue!!!

I do try not to think about him, but after 30 years of nothing, and now this its hard, i used to cry my eyes put literally, my husband would come home from work and see me in a state, but like i said to him..;i just could'nt get a grip on my feelings, the hurt and perhaps betrayal but not sure thats the right word. I am slowly getting a hold of things now, i guess with him shutting every issue down, that i am faced with a brick wall again.

I do have photos which luckily i took, but the one i keep on my phone was one of him when he was, it seems, just a couple of months old, i had no photos of him back then as digital never existed and of course my situation, the last thing i thought about was taking a camera with me to the hospital :-( i have no recolection of what he looked like. So this baby photo is great.

I think of my son all the time, thinking, maybe i should go and find him and face him to ask what i did wrong, but then i seem to back down saying to myself, he's shut me out, its obvious he doe'snt want to know me....i'm in such a whirlwind situation at the moment, but i truly think, now its alot harder for me than before...before i would think of him but because i knew nothing, there was a blank...but now some of the blank spaces have been filled, so my imagination runs wild...not always good though.

Sorry, not sure if 'im making any sense and may of gone off the subject....".i sit and wonder, and see images of what we had together" I will try and hang onto these for as long as possible....we never know that one day even our memory may fail us...

Thankyou Turtle, how often do you think about your mum?
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby Turtle » Thu Apr 10, 2014 12:42 pm

I think you have hit the nail on the head, Cleo. The more information you have on someone, the more chance you have to think about them. Suddenly you can make connections. The more I learn about my b.parents, such as learning about their hobbies etc in my files, the more chance I have of relating to them. Before I knew these personal things about them, I couldn't really feel any closeness to them. Suddenly, more day to day tasks take on a different perspective, because I can connect the event to them and wonder what they would have thought or done in the same circumstances.

For you, it must be harder. You have actually met your son, so you know a great deal more about him. So whereas you could have speculated many years ago, as to what he was like, now you actually know. You know what he looks like, sounds like and what his interests are. You also have photos that you can look at. (Unfortunately, I have none). So the connections you can make with him during the day are greater.

You said that he felt that you let him go in the first place and that he didn't ask to be adopted. Although that is true, no adoptee would ask to be adopted from a loving parent, he shouldn't be hanging on to that past event. There is no good in finger pointing, no good comes of it. People have to move forward and most b.mothers make choices at the time under the pressure of others and also society at the time. I think most of us can look back on our lives and wished we'd make different decisions at times, but the knowledge that comes with age and hindsight are great things.

It was interesting what you said about the baby photo and the fact that you didn't take a camera with you to the hospital when you gave birth. My a.parents were asked by SS to provide them with a photo of me, that they could pass on to my b.mother, but they didn't do that. So the chances are she has no photo of me as a baby.

I think of my b.parents quite frequently. I know that we have a lot in common, as far as hobbies are concerned and so often when I am doing things connected with that, I think abou them. Also, as I am doing my family tree, that keeps me focused on them too.
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby sylvie » Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:48 pm

A while ago, my son's partner said 'It must be so strange for you - one minute you have no son, the next minute you've got a son and a grandson!'

I knew what she meant, and how kindly she meant it, but actually it never felt like that.

Before my son and I reunited, I felt like I was walking with a ghost by my side. I was always aware of his absence, and that there was a space where he should be. I never, ever lost that feeling till we reunited. So even if I didn't consciously think of him, I was always always aware of him.

That's changed since we reunited. I still think of him everyday, but now as a presence, not an absence.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby Turtle » Fri Apr 11, 2014 7:41 am

Thanks for your reply Sylvie. It is interesting how you felt your son as a presence throughout your life.

Sylvie and Cleo, did you ever imagine what he looked like? I have read in a lot of posts on here and also in adoption books, that people fantasize about what their child or parent looks and acts like. In fact in adoption books, it says that some adoptees fantasize to the point that, when they actually meet their b.parent, that they don't live up to their expectations and they find that hard to deal with.

I have never done this. I am not a very visual person, so don't really worry about what people look like, rather who they are. I also like to deal in my mind with facts. I think that is why it has been easier to imagine my b.parents since viewing my files, as I am now dealing with actual information about them.

I just wondered, if you had an image in your mind before meeting, and if they changed greatly after you actually got together?
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby sylvie » Fri Apr 11, 2014 4:17 pm

Hi Turtle

No, I never tried to imagine what he would look like, and I know he never tried to with me either because we had this very conversation with each other shortly after we met!
I don't know why we didn't try. It wasn't through lack of interest, nor lack of visual aptitude. Maybe it was because, like you, what matters to me (and i think him) is the character of a person, not necessarily what they look like. Although the familial resemblance resounded deeply for both of us I think.

I remember the first time I had a dream with him in it. I realised I could have that dream because I now knew what he looked like. That felt wonderful.

I really like the questions you ask Turtle. They're always so interesting, and just the right ones too.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby Turtle » Fri Apr 11, 2014 4:32 pm

Thanks Sylvie. I find the comments on here so enlightening and am fascinated by other people's experiences and opinions.

I am rather pleased that neither of you tried to imagine what each other looked like. When I spoke to the social worker dealing with my files, she looked at me as if I had two heads, because I had never imagined what my mother looked like. Apparently it is very common to speculate on these things.

It must have been exciting to find that you did resemble each other. Not everyone does, but it must feel strangely comforting. I am always amused by mannerisms in a family that are replicated by family members. My brother is so like my dad when he speaks, that it feels like part of my father is still around.

How lovely to be able to dream about him now.
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby sylvie » Sat Apr 12, 2014 1:22 pm

Because I was so young when I had my son, I have a living memory of my grandparents at the same time I am now the grandmother of my son's son.
So I can see two generations up from me, and two generations down.
From this position, I can see traits cascading down the generations. Not just colouring but ways of relating or reacting to the world. Like having the same inner engine (we're like two peas in a pod my son says).

Sometimes I can look at my son and see my dad as a much younger man, physically and in many ways temperamentally.
However, I see how my son has deepened and developed as a person, through his own choices and through surviving deep pain, in ways that my dad (who was quite spoilt) chose not to.
I also see how my son has his own unique skills that arrived in the miraculous mix that is him (just as I can write, a skill that arose in me that doesn't appear anywhere else in our family tree that I know of).
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Wed Apr 16, 2014 6:31 am

No i could never imagine what he looked like, i could'nt even remember him at birth, all i remember is holding on so tight to a little bundle, then having him taken away from me, to lie in the ward with other mums for the next couple of days before i could go home, then the SS came around, i hadd to fill out papaers, i had a gift for my son to give, but was told by the ss that it was'nt a good idea, it may put extra burden on the a.family if ever they tell my son he was adopted!!! I kept his gift all these years and when we met up for the 1st time i handed his gift over, he could'nt believe i had kept it all this time.
I knew there was a missing part of me, and on birthdays etc i'd get upset thinking what he might be up too, if his a.parents had a party for him, if he could drive a car etc. But the thoughts would come and go because i had no idea whatsoever. We also have the same features which is nice, even his girlfreind who came to the park said that we looked like each other, so in that way i'm happy its not just us who would like to think we have the same face features etc.
But now i know about him, what he looks like, his life style etc and i have a grandson too, everything is harder to cope with since he has broken off contact...the last 2 years i have often thought what he'd be doing in the day, i can still envisage him when we went ofr our walks in the park, but that too is slowly fading, i'm so worried that i'll forget what he looks like, and as for my grandson, well he ust of changed alot by now, as he was only a year old when i first saw him.....
I think that now i know more about him, the pain is deeper, and like i said, only my husband knows about by son (as did my parents 30+yrs ago, but they don't know i had contact) i guess thats why i have so much pain, keeping it all inside. I love my son to bits but i guess maybe i was hoping for a fairytale ending..which was not to be. Al i ever wanted was for us to be happy and have some kind of relationship, not to be cut off, i do have feelings, my sons knows this, i just cannot understand his attitude. My husband says i think too much and i should just let things be, as days go by now, i am, i would'nt say letting go, because i could never let go, but i have to accept things as they are and get my life back on track, its hard having to go through it all again 30 years on, but at least i do have a few photos of him this time around, but sadly not of my grandson, his last email was in august 2012 saying that his son was growing up fast and that he'd send a photo of my grandson soon.....then after that he closed down his account in the march....never got a photo :-(
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby Turtle » Wed Apr 16, 2014 8:04 am

sylvie wrote:So I can see two generations up from me, and two generations down.


What a wonderful thing to be able to do.

cleo wrote: I had a gift for my son to give, but was told by the ss that it wasn't a good idea, it may put extra burden on the a.family if ever they tell my son he was adopted!!!


I was shocked by that Cleo. It sounds as if SS actively encouraged a.parents to keep quiet about the adoption if they wished. There was absolutely no thought for the child here. I am so pleased that things have changed and this is no longer possible. Children need to know, otherwise they grow up completely confused, as I did, knowing that the people around me just didn't look or act like me and not knowing why.

I think SS have a lot to answer for at times. It seems that often they focused more on the needs of the a.parents, rather than the needs of the child.
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed Apr 16, 2014 9:16 am

As you know, we are a "modern" adoption whereby we knew the children pre adoption and have had various contact arrangements over the years. When we were writing just once a year we didn't talk about them too much, just in the couple of months it took to compose and send a letter and wait for the reply. Since the Facebook contact and face to face meets we talk about them a lot more as our daughter enjoys discussing likeness in facial features and characters. Its harder to cope with now because we have access to them via facebook but they don't use it as a means of keeping in touch so its become almost an obsession to look at their activity whenever anything pops up. The older non adopted siblings seem content with an occasional chat but I wonder if thats self preservation since they have had to cope with the breakup of their family. Our daughter would much rather have access to them at any time as she would love to draw her whole group of siblings closer.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby Turtle » Wed Apr 16, 2014 11:35 am

It must be so much harder now with facebook Donotunderstand. In some ways, you feel that the connection should be closer, because it is just a click of a button away, but often that seems to make it harder, because people are looking for a quicker response and that often doesn't happen. I think that must be even worse when you can see someone is an active facebook user, but they still don't reply quickly to your own comments and photos. It must be like peering into someone's life, but just not feeling part of it.

I don't use facebook really, but in these days of texts and emails, everything is very instant. Sometimes I am not sure that it is a good thing as people feel far more pressured to reply quickly and sometimes quick responses aren't so well thought out and when they don't come at all, you just feel even more ignored. In the days of letter writing, people were far more patient. There was also a real thrill from getting a letter. I am not sure the emails, texts and facebook are quite the same.
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Thu May 08, 2014 12:24 pm

Turtle

I think FB is good and bad

Good, because thats how my son finally found me
Bad, because now he has shut off everything so i cannot see what he is up too, unless he puts a photo on public view, but he doe'snt do this often, perhaps once a year where i get a glimpse (if lucky) of my grandson.

Its very hurtful knowing he is there but i cannot even write to him through fear that he'll close down his account and then i'd have no where to look.....

As for the SS i think maybe they thought they were doing good by not putting a strain on the A;family to tell if ever that my son was adopted, although for him his A.parents told him at an early age and he has a very good relationship with them. But when i met up with him and gave him his present that i held onto all these years he was amazed, so in a way i was happy that i was fianlly able to give him his "baby" present.

Sadly i would not go seeking advice from the ss, i did at the beginning trying to find out about my son and because of his dad dying, but they looked on their records and said "yes we know his A.dad has died, but we cannot tell you where he is buried, you'll have to look for yourself!!!!!"

This is where i cannot understand why its ok for an adoptee to have info on us, but we're allowed nothing on them..apart from sending them a mailbox letter...it seems unfair to me. I am still looking but to no avail and this saddens me.
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby julie2009 » Fri Jun 20, 2014 3:27 pm

Hi everyone

I only got to login again after months of trying. Everytime I hear a song from the 70s I automatically think of my BM - she was a massive James Taylor fan.
My youngest daughter looks very like what she did when she was a kid so I see a resemblance every day.
When my eldest decided she wanted to learn the drums - my BF played drums in a group in the 70s
Everytime my birthday comes round I get emotional as the time approaches when I was born. Maybe I am just a softee at heart
julie2009
 
Posts: 519
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 2:42 pm
Location: co. antrim

Re: How often do you think about them?

Postby cleo » Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:49 pm

Hi julie,

how did you find your BM what made you go looking for her, what was her reaction towards you.

I get emtional about alot of things and now knwoing abit about my son, i can look up his interests etc the work he doe's too, but thats about it, when we met i did'nt ask him alot of questions, i just cherished the few hours we could spend together, just holding his hand and giving spontanious hugs ;-)

but now thats all gone, 9 hours in total after waiting 30 years, hubby says at least i got that, whereas before i knew nothing about him....but i don't know what is worse...not knowing anything about him...or now knowing and knwoing he wnats nothing to do with me and also missing out on my first Grandson growing up too

:-(
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Next

Return to Adopted People

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests

cron