Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

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Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

Postby Lucy11 » Wed Apr 02, 2014 10:03 am

Has anyone stopped contact for many years and then taken it up again? Is this possible? I searched for my Bmother and then when things got stressful stopped writing. Now considering writing again but wonder if I should and if it's too late. Anyone else? Thank you.
Lucy11
 
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Re: Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Apr 02, 2014 1:35 pm

Hello Lucy11...and welcome

Before 'trying again' I suppose you have to ask yourself why things went wrong at the time that they did.....you say that you have not been in contact for many years, so that makes one think that perhaps you were quite young when you made contact in the beginning..... or perhaps it was your b.mother who managed to trace you, although this would be less likely as birth mothers did not have any way of doing this until recently......

So, let's guess that you were quite young.....what did you have going on in your life at the time that would have made things rocky..... perhaps finishing education.....perhaps feelings of loyalty/disloyalty to your a.parents...... perhaps having a stressful job.......perhaps starting your own family.......perhaps having a partner who was not comfortable with the situation.....perhaps having unrealistic expectations of the relationship....... perhaps finding out things you would rather have not known.... all sorts of different tweaks and triggers of feelings that throw spanners into the works of reunion....

On your b.mother's side............ perhaps she was not ready for being found........ perhaps the feelings seeing you again were too painful....perhaps she had later family and was heavily involved with them, perhaps dependent on them, or them on her........perhaps her later family were antagonistic.....perhaps she had a partner who was unsupportive..... perhaps she was having to care for elderly parents..... perhaps she had a stressful job .....

I could go on listing 'perhaps's' for a lot of pages, but I won't ....... there will be reasons for things not working out, and with a gap of years you will probably have been able to work out what they were........ and having done so, you will have to think about if those reasons are still there, or if a passage of time will have smoothed them away for you, or for her, or for both of you............

Then you have to ask yourself what you want from the relationship if you renew it ..... have you perhaps recently lost your a.parents and are feeling a space in the place in your life marked 'mother' ..... perhaps you have children and you want them to know their b.grandmother .......perhaps your original reasons for searching are still there with questions unresolved......

Whatever your reasons, and whatever you decide to do, and whatever the result is......keep coming back here for help and support, as it will always be here for you.......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked....five years ago finally found full sister, adopted separately, I found out about her when I was 25 ... it took me forty years to find her.....I would never have given up .....
ladyarcher
 
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Re: Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

Postby cleo » Thu Apr 03, 2014 3:14 pm

Hi Lucy11

I have'nt had contact with my son who came looking for me for nearly 3 years snce i last saw him...i would love for him to get back in contact with me...just a quick hello i'm fine..thats all....like lady archer it dpeends of the what happened for it to end...

With my son i have no idea why he stopped contact, the last text i got from him was the day before his birthday saying he was thinking of a good day for us to meet up...the next day i sent him birthday wishes....and nothing.....and nothing since......my emotions have been all over the place these past couple of years and to add to the heartache i have a grandson too who was just a year old at the time...so you can imagine how he must of changed by now... i have no photos of him, my son had closed his email account and last year moved away with no forwarding address...

Please let us know what you do....i'd love the chance to start my reunion again with my son...we got on so well... i just cannot understand what went wrong
cleo
 
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Re: Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

Postby Lucy11 » Sat Apr 05, 2014 1:20 pm

Cleo,
I'm so sorry about what happened with your son. It does sound like he got a case of "cold feet", breaking it off as he did just before your meeting. How soon after that did he move away? Maybe something disruptive happened in his life that caused the move that got in the way of his reunion with you..? I have so many unanswered questions too, I know how difficult it is to live with them.
Lucy
Lucy11
 
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Re: Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

Postby cleo » Tue Apr 08, 2014 2:07 pm

Hi Lucy,

When i first meet my son he did tell me that his house was on the market, so i knew that one day he would move away, but i never imagined that he'd move without saying anything, as he doe'snt live that from from where i grew up. I was expected to meet up in the january of 2012 after not seeing him since the april of 2011, when i had a gut feeling that things would never be the same :-(

But i thought after his reply in january to say he was thinking of a good day, i got my hopes up thinking woohoo i'm going to see him again...i have only been with my son for a total of 9 hours...but then i heard nothing from him then in march he closed down his email acoount, end of november he moved away...just after he recieved a parcel i sent for his son who's birthday it was...but when i went in december, i was told by his neighbours that he had moved and did'nt know where.....i've had no christmas, new years mothers day or even birthday wishes from him........i just don't know what i have done so wrong....at easter now it will be 3 years since i last saw him and my grandson :-((

Sorry i'm getting upset again ;-(
cleo
 
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Re: Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

Postby Lucy11 » Sun Apr 13, 2014 1:15 am

Cleo,
What happened in April of 2011 to make you think things "would never be the same"?
Lucy11
 
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Re: Re-Starting a Failed Reunion

Postby cleo » Wed Apr 16, 2014 6:16 am

Hi Lucy

When we met in the april, i just had a gut feeling that things would'nt be the same, first of all he said he was'nt sure if he'd have time to meet up, then he sent a text saying ok he could spare an hour!!
he brought his son too which was great, i was over the moon, but as we walked around i tried to hold his hand and hug him like we did when we first met, but i got the feeling he was backing off, we did'nt really talk either, just walked and chitchat really, then it started raining so went back to our cars, said our goodbyes.....when i got home i felt so sad inside, i cannot explain why, but just a feeling.....i just knew that this would probably be the last time i'd see him....and it was....

I have gone over a thousand times, what i might of said or done wrong, but i have to again accept the fact that i have lost him, like i'm in another dimension of this world.

I am so sad inside, and because only my husband knows about my son, i have to keep everything locked up inside, apaprt from coming on this forum, where i can release some of the pain i'm feeling.

I would love to hear from him again and just have him say he needed a break or something like that, but i don't think it will happen, not with everything he has done, by that i mean, changing house without telling me where he has gone etc.
he knows i come back to the fmaily in the year so he'll know that i will eventually find out he has moved, but i don't think he knew that i found out just a month after he did it!!!

Anyway, if i could turn back the clock, i won't be as honest with him as i was, sadly......i thought being honest would be good, he knows how i feel about him and how i have been all these years wating for him to get in contact, about why i did what i did etc.
Just a shame he could'nt understand.
cleo
 
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