Feeling sad :(

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Feeling sad :(

Postby Mel123 » Wed Mar 19, 2014 12:53 am

Hi,

Last October my social worker sent letters to my birth parents telling them that I wanted contact with them and if they wish to do the same to get in contact. They both responded immediately saying they wanted contact with me. Great!
So my b.dad wanted to speak to me on the phone whereas my b.mum wanted to see me first in January. Telephone contact went well with the few ups and downs but recently it has gone downhill....he no longer wants to have contact with me...for stupid pointless reasons....he never listens to me if I have something to say...he last said to me:

Just cos I live alone doesn't mean I don't enjoy my life. I have females around that can take your place. If I wanted to I could get close to my nieces. I have plenty of family and friends to keep me occupied and if we don't continue having contact I won't feel sad as I'll pick myself up and move on.

(What do you think of what he said?)

Regards to my b.mum we arranged to meet in January ....I waited for 3 hours and she never turned up...the social worker and I have had no response whatsoever despite phone calls, letters, messages she also has my numbers....just nothing.....

Not sure what I've done wrong....y don't they want contact with me? I hate them but feel sad at the same time....wish I could have had relationship with them...I know I'm young 19 they tell u to prepare for the worse scenarios but u never think it would actually hPpen to you...

Feeling stressed but trying to be strong...

Anyway just wanted to let if out...

Thanks :)
Mel123
 
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:32 am

Hi,

What a hurtful thing for your birth father to say! Having been part of a reunion between siblings (my adopted daughter and her brothers and sisters) I know that, with all good intentions, it is very hard to make a connection with each other. After the initial excitement the reality of it kicks in and you realise that as you haven't grown up with them, you are almost strangers. All I can say is, give it time. Your birth parents might be working through their past emotions before they can go forward. With your dad, it sounds like he is afraid of losing you again and at the moment he isn't ready to take a chance of getting close. With your mum - perhaps she can't cope with everything right now - maybe she is in shock?

Reunions are all different and as this forum shows, they do not go smoothly. I'm sure other members of this forum will give you their thoughts soon.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby Turtle » Wed Mar 19, 2014 10:48 am

Mel123 wrote:Not sure what I've done wrong


The answer to that is nothing. The bottom line is, you can't control other people. If your birth parents want to reject you, there is sadly nothing you can do about it and it certainly isn't your fault. The unhappy reality seems to be that most reunions don't work out and even those few that do, don't seem to be as close as people hope.

It may be, in time, that your b.parents will have a change of heart and want contact again. You will find that reunions are all a bit of a rollercoaster ride and you are often left in the vulnerable position of only being able to wait and hope.

Just looking at this site, you will quickly become aware that it is mainly the adoptees searching. It isn't very often on here, that we see things the other way round. There seems to be a bigger pull to make contact with b.parents, than b.children. You would think, given that it is easier for the "child" to search, because they can access more information, that the internet would be a real alternative and effective way for the b.parents who are searching, but they are rarely seen.

That is why I have left making contact well alone. Better to let sleeping dogs lie and at the end of the day, I simply couldn't deal with being rejected again. My view is that people move on with their lives and that a child appearing from decades ago, from another relationship, is going to upset the existing family dynamics and so if rarely going to be welcomed with open arms.

I would suggest, however, that you take the opportunity to express your thoughts on here. A lot of people will understand how you feel, and talking it through with people that really understand will be an enormous help.
Turtle
 
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Mar 19, 2014 12:39 pm

Hello Mel123, and welcome....

of course, for a start, as Turtle says, you have done nothing wrong.

Taking the case and attitude of your b.father...... twenty years ago he would have been in a different 'place' to the place he is in now, and he probably has little idea of what it is like living full time with a teenage girl..... you say he doesn't listen to you when you have something to say......my own daughter, now 34, would have said the same thing about her father at that age.........it is not just adoptees.........but with your b.father this makes me feel that he is still thinking of you as a 'child', and has not moved on in his own mind to the fact that you are not a child and that you have ideas and views of your own, some of which he may not agree with, or even perhaps understand........ even though it is only 20 years, nineteen year olds now are quite different in many of their attitudes than they were when he was nineteen......he may be quite unable to take in that the person that he has had in his mind as a 'baby' is now actually pretty much grown up..

...what is his background himself, his educational standard, his occupation/job etc......is there a big gap culturally between your upbringing and his ......not so much nowadays, but in the past an adopted child usually had quite a big 'leg up' the social scale when they were adopted and this could cause a lot of problems at a time of reunion...... a b.parent could feel that their child was now 'above' them, and looks down on them, and subsequent siblings could feel that the adopted away child had a better life......all sorts of subconscious feelings are triggered......with your b.father, it seems to me as if he 'protests too much'....it's as if he is being rather childish himself......he's ok, he doesn't need anyone, he's got lots of friends....etc.... sounds very much as if it is him who is afraid of being rejected, so he is going to 'bite' first......it sounds from you saying about him only wanting telephone contact, as if you and he have not actually met face to face......so it may well be that he is insecure, or ashamed of some part of his life, maybe it is his own appearance, or his lifestyle, or his material possessions, etc...... and he does not want to have you judging him ......

With your b.mother.....putting off an actual meeting from contact in October, until meeting in January, is quite a long time ..... of course this may be simply a difficulty of distance etc......and to leave you standing with no explanation is almost unforgiveable....

.. however, before you write her off, you must make absolutely sure that there was not a good reason for her not turning up....... at one extreme, she could have had an accident.......and if she was keeping your re-appearance as a secret, then no-one would know that you should be informed......an extreme scenario I know, but it could happen........there are other possibilities of course.......she may have simply lost her nerve.......be frightened that you would want explanations and answers that she was unable to let herself think or say........having an illegitimate child twenty years ago was by no means the end of the world that it would have been for a girl 40 or so years ago......so you might well have asked her why she had you adopted, and did not keep you......she might find it difficult to answer this....... was she married to someone else at the time..... was she in a bad place in her life, perhaps drinking or worse...... were her own parents unsupportive..... had she already lost her parents and was alone ....... was she at university and/or was wanting to finish her training........was she very young, i.e. below 17, when she had you .......or even younger.....lot of questions that you might ask ...... and also the possibility that she is now married and perhaps her husband did not know about you, she may have still not told him, she may have told him and his reaction be bad .... she may also have other children by now, and if she has told them, then they too could perhaps have reacted badly....... some of these things you may already know the answer to, but there will be bound to be parts of her life that you don't yet know about...

..there are so many twists and turns to how people think and feel, and how others around them react, that it is a wonder that any reunions at all go smoothly....... and believe me some do, though it is a miracle in its own way........the term 'adoption triangle' is tossed about a bit, by people who should know better.......the triangle being the adopted child, the birth parent(s) and the adopting parents ........ but in reality it is a far greater number of people who are affected by adoption and reunion, than just those three......

So, if you are able to find out that your b.mother is not the victim of an accident....... then there are obviously some other reasons for her not turning up, and it is your choice as to whether you attempt to find out yourself what happened, or perhaps your social worker can help ...... though it is more likely that it will be down to you I would think..... as social workers are restricted in the lengths to which they can go......whatever happens, and whatever you find out, and whatever progress or lack of it, you make.......do keep coming back here for help, support, suggestions, or a good rant.....on this site there is always an 'ear' to listen to you, and if you need it, a shoulder to cry on, ready for you......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1973 - sadly missed b.father who died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked.......five years ago finally found my full sister who had been adopted separately...I found out about her when I was 25, it took me forty years to find her.....I would never have given up looking......we are good friends, and laugh a lot.....
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby sylvie » Thu Mar 20, 2014 12:36 pm

Hi Mel

One thing to be absolutely sure of - you haven't done anything wrong. You've done nothing to deserve this. Make sure your inner core knows this, even if that means you have to keep repeating it to yourself.
It may be mystifying what's going on, but you aren't the cause. You don't know what is, but it isn't you.
If or when difficulties arise in relationships (which they always do, as none of us are perfect) they need to be aired and discussed. It's not okay for people to just disappear or not turn up. It isn't fair on the living, feeling person on the receiving end of that, in this case you.

He said: 'Just cos I live alone doesn't mean I don't enjoy my life. I have females around that can take your place. If I wanted to I could get close to my nieces. I have plenty of family and friends to keep me occupied and if we don't continue having contact I won't feel sad as I'll pick myself up and move on'.


This quote sounds like someone trying to sound as if they have a casual attitude to your relationship, which is extremely mean on you and which also doesn't sound that convincing - more like bravado or defensiveness. I think it's a very insensitive and self-absorbed thing for him to have said, and one day I hope he grows enough awareness of the feelings of others, of you, to feel compelled to give you the apology you deserve. I'm sorry you faced that. One of the things about other people, including relatives, is that some are lovely and some are weak and some are silly and some are funny and some are mean - you get the picture.

As for your first mother not turning up, I simply cannot understand it. I think LA is right in saying don't jump to conclusions but you do need an explanation for this of some kind. Until you get one, once again remember that you do not deserve this, and that you deserve to be treated with respect and care. It isn't your fault.

I'm so sorry you're suffering such pain.



I hope you don't mind but I just want to respond to some of the other comments.

as you haven't grown up with them, you are almost strangers.


The oddest thing about the reunion between my son and the rest of his original family was that we were never, for a second, strangers and that feeling of kinship and deep recognition has continued throughout the years since.

people move on with their lives


There's quite a lot of research and evidence to show that mothers who surrender their children for adoption do not move on with their lives, and in fact experience the lifelong effects of grief. There's more information about this here http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-2/trauma_to_surrendering_mothers/effects-of-adoption-on-mental-health-of-the-mother-what-professionals-knew-and-didnt-tell-us/

The unhappy reality seems to be that most reunions don't work out and even those few that do, don't seem to be as close as people hope.


I don't know whether that's true or not. I think forums tend to attract those who need to discuss a problem with knowledgeable or experienced others, and so it can give the impression that reunions are only or mostly problematic. Those who are happily in reunion are probably mostly elsewhere. I involve myself on here as a way of trying to include a first mother's perspective, as so many assumptions are wrong; also to try and help as I was once helped when I came onto this forum upset. But I know both Josie and I love being in reunion with our sons, who love being in reunion with us, and we are definitely not alone in having such close relationships.

I think it's true to say that reunion is unexpectedly difficult to deal with at first but I think that is to be expected when you consider that one of the profoundest relationships has been separated, and that adoption (particularly closed adoptions) are chock full of secrets, lies, assumptions and misunderstandings. So a lot has to be got through in the early years and it is a very emotionally testing time.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby Turtle » Fri Mar 21, 2014 7:50 am

sylvie wrote:There's quite a lot of research and evidence to show that mothers who surrender their children for adoption do not move on with their lives, and in fact experience the lifelong effects of grief. There's more information about this here http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-2/trauma_to_surrendering_mothers/effects-of-adoption-on-mental-health-of-the-mother-what-professionals-knew-and-didnt-tell-us/


That is an interesting link, sylvie. Thanks for that.

There is a difference, in my mind, between moving on and long term trauma. Moving on, to me, simply means that a person continues to "survive" and "cope" outwardly and to the outside world is having a normal life. People aren't so self indulgent that they sit staring into their cornflakes every morning. They have to move on and function in this world. This doesn't mean they are not suffering from long term trauma. I think that both b.mothers and a.children suffer trauma, to the extent that it is life long. I know, with my self, the damage that this experience has caused and am pretty sure that although I have learnt to cope with it, that it will never leave me completely.

In some ways, I think it is harder for the birth mother. They have to put a face on it all. They have to move on. In my own case, I am pretty sure that my b.mother has had to do that. On returning to her husband, after the affair, she wouldn't have been able to discuss any pain she felt when handing me over and if she did, I am pretty sure she would have got no sympathy. She had no close siblings for support, who knows what her parents view of this was (quite possibly they frowned on her too in that period of social history). Even now, with her children grown, they probably don't remember any of this and so it would be a closed subject. Do a.mother's even discuss this with close friends? I know my mother moved to a different area after my birth and so it is quite possible, no one is aware of what she went through.

I think it is self preservation to stop going over these things in your head. Quite often the brain shuts the information out and you don't even consciously remember it. It is all about survival and getting through the day.

Also, I feel most of us would hope that both b.mothers and their a.children do move on. No one feels they should pay for what happened, and we would rather view them as having a contented life, regardless of whether that is actually reality or not.

The unhappy reality seems to be that most reunions don't work out and even those few that do, don't seem to be as close as people hope.


sylvie wrote
I don't know whether that's true or not. I think forums tend to attract those who need to discuss a problem with knowledgeable or experienced others, and so it can give the impression that reunions are only or mostly problematic. Those who are happily in reunion are probably mostly elsewhere.


In the past few years I have read more and more about adoption and this is my perceived view of things. Even though most of the books I read are very much pro reunion, the case histories they list, show time and time again that things don't tend to go smoothly.

Let's face it, there are simply too many people involved. (Most of whom, shouldn't be). You don't have just the b.mother and child involved in the reunion. Everyone wants their say - a.parents, a.siblings, b.mother's husband, b.mother's children, actual brother's and sisters and even spanning out to aunts and uncles, friends etc. Everyone seems to feel that they have a right to be involved. So you are never just dealing with two people and that is what makes things so complicated.

One of the reasons I would not approach my b.mother, and there are lots of them, is that her husband is still alive. I am pretty sure he doesn't want to ever see me again. I would just bring back hurtful memories. As for my half siblings, it may well be that they don't even know about me. I think the chances are that that is true. It is very hard for children to suddenly find they have a cuckoo in the nest!

In a perfect world, this would just be between mother and child, but we don't live in a perfect world.
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby sylvie » Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:55 pm

Turtle and others, here is another link you might find interesting too: http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-2/adoption-trauma-studies/

Mel123, I hope I haven't derailed your thread too much. Has anything in your situation changed or improved at all?
I hope so.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby cleo » Thu Apr 10, 2014 5:20 am

Hello all

I have to agree with sylvie and turtle...B.mum's don't sit in front of their bowl of cornflakes every morning, they have to get on with life and "cope" and put a smile on their face as though nothing is wrong, yet inside they have been torn apart yet again.

Well this is how i feel, although i do find myself looking out of the window and watching the birds fly around in the garden, wondering what my son might be up too at that moment too, but then a black shadow draws over and reminds me...he has cut me off...he want's nothing to do with me...although i ask myself over and over what have i done wrong....Mel we never know what went wrong especially like your B.mum who has given no explaination..i think thats the hardest thing, well for me anyway, like ladyarcher once told me, if my son had only said goodbye at least that would be something, but his last text to me was "thining of a good day to meet"....then nothing and nothing ever since, that was over a year ago (for the text).

It sure is a rollercoaster ride for everyone concerned, the thing is i don't have other people who know about my son aprt from my husband, we were in a closed adoption i knew nothing about him, only to find out 30 years later he lived about 10 minutes away from where i used to live and where all my family still are.

Even though there has been an abrupt end to my relationship, the day my son got in contact was great and when we met up it was a strange feeling of overwhelmed joy, we got on so well, as though we belonged to each other, maybe that too, maybe i was too close to him and he started feeling guilty about his A;mum as he is very close to her too, he told me once while we were walking in the park, holding hands, that when he walked with his a.mum they never held hands or walk so close to each other, so i felt privileged at that moment...but now looking back, thats why i say maybe it was too close for comfort for him, i don't know.

I think Mel we can over our situtaions a thousand times, but if one side are not honest or can tell you what is on thier minds, then we are in turmoil, and nothing can help, you can talk to a brick wall but you'll never get your answer.....

I think i may of de-railed you too, but this is a b.mum wishing she had a son that would let her know what she did wrong..if anything, maybe i said something out of place or did something? I porbably will never know, all i do know is that the pain is back and it will never go away, i hide it for 30 years before, but this time its just too hard, i am torn apart inside.

I hope one day your mum doe's contact you, i know i'm in debate wether to re-contact my son at the moment. Take care Mel and any worries come back to this forum, there's some good people here who help us see the other side of things too.
cleo
 
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby Turtle » Thu Apr 10, 2014 7:16 am

cleo wrote: although i do find myself looking out of the window and watching the birds fly around in the garden, wondering what my son might be up too at that moment


I was wondering Cleo, do you think about you son more, now that you have met him? Before he contacted you, was he on your mind as much?

Since coming on the forum and talking about adoption issues, I have thought about my b.parents a lot more and like you, I think about them at odd times during the day, as well as on special occasions. I think sometimes in life, events happen, that make us focus on different things. Events can be a catalyst that bring up different emotions that would otherwise have been left alone in our minds.

On second thoughts...... I am going to raise this issue in a separate thread, as it is going a bit off topic.

Have put the topic here
Turtle
 
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Re: Feeling sad :(

Postby cleo » Thu Apr 10, 2014 12:21 pm

Turtle i have written on the other page too :-)
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