newbie story

Moderator: AfterAdoption

newbie story

Postby david140288 » Sat Mar 08, 2014 11:02 am

hi there, I am looking for any advice whatsoever about my current situation ill just list the details to save you reading a big story as its quite long.

adopted at birth
found out when i was 17 in difficult circumstances
had a lot to deal with then and put it to the back of my mind
i am 26 now and after having my 3rd child something just clicked in my head "i need to know"
went to the archives office and got original certificate ( discoverd my name, mothers name and address at time of birth)
went to court and got those records and i can understand the reasoning why i was put up for adoption
then i somehow tracked the whole family using social media and bt phonebook online
she is married now with 4 kids
sent a letter to her work marked personal (details of her work were on facebook)
2 days later she contacted me on facebook and we talked for the next couple of days
all positive conversation - no negative (27 pages worth of messages)
after messaging her twice she has blocked me and am currently blocked 2 weeks later
she has also changed her facebook privacy setting to no longer show her work and u can no longer add her as a freind. (this was confirmed through another account)

i dont know what to do as i finally found her then it has been taken away. even though i didnt know her it still hurts. I really wish she could have at least said something and then blocked me - at least then i could have partially understood.

should i contact my half sister? write her another letter? turn up at her door? phone her house?

any ideas and comments would really help,

thanks,
david140288
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Feb 28, 2014 9:03 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby sylvie » Sat Mar 08, 2014 11:58 am

How hurtful for you. No-one deserves the absolute bewilderment of not knowing what happened. I am so sorry you experienced that.
There is a mother in the birthparents section who has experienced something similar the other way round, and is distraught too.
This kind of behaviour, whoever is doing it and whatever the reason, causes such unecessary additional pain to people who are already in pain.

I'm sorry that I cannot help you understand what has happened because I don't understand it myself.
Is there anyone you trust who you could share the messages with, so that they could try and find what could possibly explain such inexplicable behaviour?
As regards further contact - I think letters are a good way to communicate fully but with consideration when things have gone pear-shaped.
If no resolution from that, I would phone. If none then I would contact your half sister.
I don't think I would turn up at her home until as a last resort.

Again, I am sorry you faced that.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby rc01 » Sat Mar 08, 2014 1:26 pm

Hi David and welcome to the forum.

I agree with Sylvie in terms of how hard this is for you and how hurtful - social media seems to be at the centre of so much adoption issues recently.

Can I ask you a few questions? You said you were communicating on facebook for a few days but then you messaged her twice and now are blocked - what do you mean messaged her twice? Was the communication any different to the previous messages you had exchanged?

Do you know if her family know about you? Often birth families struggle to reveal the past or receive jealousy and a lack of understanding from new family - sometimes in the extreme form of ultimatums..

It makes it so much harder when you don't know what has gone wrong - you probably and 1001 ideas going round in your head as to what happened and why - did she not express any signs she wasn't comfortable? - perhaps with the way you contacted her through work (with you saying she has now deleted that info from facebook) ?

I think all you can do is try to contact her - by one means or another - but being careful not to become across as aggressive - just to ask what is the problem and to receive some form of explanation. Even if the only purpose for you is closure and to move on. Letters and phone calls are a good way to communicate this - I agree with Sylvie in trying to avoid turning up at her home or contacting her other family members - especially if you are unsure how much they know about you. This should be something for BM to communicate when she feels ready if they do not know about you and turning up just screams of an invasion of privacy which is likely to cause distrust and conflict.

So sorry you have experienced this - it is awful that you have to go through a form of rejection again with a relationship that could mean so much to you.

Becky
rc01
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 12:02 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby david140288 » Sat Mar 08, 2014 9:10 pm

Thank you for your replies guys, all the way through the conversation she kept saying if im going to fast let me know and also i said this to her.

She told me that her two oldest and her husband knew about me.

she also said that she was so sorry and hates herself everyday also that she was so looking forward to getting to know me and that she wanted me to be part of her family....im looking over the conversation we had the now and none of this situation makes any sense what so ever.

the last two messages i sent her were just a one liner hows it going and the other (the next morning) was saying if she was free later we could chat. after that message i was blocked.

she did mention that she wasnt talking to her husband at that moment and she would tell him soon that ive made contact. my wife and family think that could be the reason.

it was so great to find her and have that 2 days worth of contact but ive not stopped thinking about it since and I wish that I knew one way or another.

I dont think i could go up to her door or phone her. i also said in my first letter that i wouldnt interfere with her family and maybe it would be inappropriate for me to contact my sister.
david140288
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Feb 28, 2014 9:03 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby sylvie » Sat Mar 08, 2014 9:36 pm

It does sound as if something may be going on with her husband, as she specifically mentioned she wasn't speaking to him.
But you can't know until you're told for certain.
Does she know how to contact you?
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby david140288 » Sat Mar 08, 2014 9:48 pm

yeah i enclosed a self addressed stamped envelop in my letter as well as my email and facebook.

to be honest i keep thinking ill come home and a letter will be on the mat but this is just my mind running riot - she said she prefers to use facebook as shes no much good at letters.

i have her work address and home address but nothing else now as she has obviously blocked me
david140288
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Feb 28, 2014 9:03 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby sylvie » Sat Mar 08, 2014 10:12 pm

I notice that she said her two oldest knew but presumably the two others don't?
I wonder if some tumult is happening there?
It just doesn't match up - her words and this action.
I know that reunion brings up immense feelings (for both parties) and that she expressed strong and deep feelings about having given you up for adoption, but it seems such an unexpected and abrupt (and hurtful) thing to do, to suddenly block her FB page after you'd been chatting so much together.
I doubt very much that the cause of this situation is anything you've said. I suspect its something either to do with relations in her home, or to do with her own difficult feelings being hard to handle.
I'm so sorry I can't help more, and that you are in such a painful situation. I hope time will bring some helpful change to the situation.
Perhaps others on this site could offer some insights too? I hope so.

Best wishes to you.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby rc01 » Sat Mar 08, 2014 11:04 pm

Hi David

I would guess at the same scenario as your wife and Sylvie.. it sounds like her husband and / or family have had some impact on the way she was thinking, especially with you saying her and her husband were not talking.. but that doesn't provide you with any real answer or an end to the million and one questions and scenarios running through your mind. It is really unfair what she has done with no explanation and you don't deserve that from anyone - least of all your birth mother.

Have you addressed the issue with her yet - perhaps via letter if that is the only viable way to contact her? That you do not understand what has happened and want to continue a relationship with her?

Other than that I really can't think of any other option which isn't intrusive for her. I really don't know what I would do in that situation, it would be hard - if the "nothing at all" continues not to become intrusive but in the long run that isn't likely to have a good ending I fear..

We all talk so much about other people's feelings and I do wonder if we "creep around" too much in trying to consider what the other party is feeling all the time. Would we apply the same to every relationship in our lives? Every friendship.. and partnership... I can certainly think of a few occasions where I have gone in my feelings first and it has been the right thing to do. But there is no real comparison to other relationships - the one between birth mother and adoptee - it carries such deep emotion and hurt that the slightest wrong move can cause the other such pain and worry. Sometimes it all feels so big that you aren't sure you can cope with it..

So I guess my only advice would be to wait a few more days and hope she gets in touch again. If she doesn't perhaps a letter saying what you need to say and / or ask would be appropriate then more waiting.. doesn't seem fair at all does it? I wish there was a miracle answer but unfortunately I don't know it. I wonder if she understands how much hurt her silence is putting you through, and what she thinks she will gain from it - especially considering some of her content in emails and messages to you saying how much she has hated herself. Perhaps knowing you are OK and out there is enough now - who knows?

Do we have any birth parents on the site who have chosen NOT to have contact with their birth children for any reason? I can't recall that we do which is a shame as I would like to understand their perspective and where it comes from if they have chosen due to their own reasons. It would be good to hear from the other side of the fence so to speak.

Take care David and I hope all works out in the end and you get some answers.

Becky
rc01
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 12:02 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby david140288 » Sun Mar 09, 2014 7:57 pm

thanks so much for your advice. it has been so hard and im starting to really let it get to me its horrible.

i think as you say i will wait a few more days and then send a letter.

i keep coming back to the fact that the conversation went so well and all the nice things she said.

sometimes i think was all this some sort of a sick joke (maybe i sent it to the wrong person and they played along) but then again she did reveal somethings that only she would know about me.

sylvie - "I notice that she said her two oldest knew but presumably the two others don't?"

^^^the oldest 2 are 16 / 24 i think the youngest are 8 & 12 so a bit young to inform which i can understand as mine are 5 and 4

and Becky - i agree, i would love to find out if anyone else has went through something similar to me.

i really do appreciate the advice.

in my letter how should i address her? (in my first i didnt address her by name just started with the content)
david140288
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Feb 28, 2014 9:03 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby ladyarcher » Sun Mar 09, 2014 9:18 pm

This business about how to address birth mothers/fathers is always a mini minefield ....... I think that these days e-mails and texts are so informal that you can probably be informal in a letter without it 'jarring' as it would have done years ago.........I would just write something fairly short......... perhaps like this....

Hello .... I just thought I would let you know that I have been thinking of you a lot, and hope that you are ok...... I realise that contacting you will have brought lots of things to mind that you will have had to keep buried for a long time, and I so hope that it has not caused you hurt, or problems, because that is the last thing that I wanted......

.....this letter is just to tell you that I was so happy that we were able to 'talk' on FB the other week.....and hope so much that we will be able to again when you are able to.....

Here is my e-mail and 'phone no. and address again, just in case your computer has eaten it, or it has disappeared into cyber space........
yours

David

.......or sign yourself in your b.name if that feels comfortable for you....
.......and of course you do not have to put all the contact points, but as you had already sent her a stamped addressed envelope, there seems no point in not doing so again....

I don't know if this is the sort of thing that you would be comfortable with writing ..... but I feel that anything stronger than something like this would perhaps be too much for her at the moment.......if she is having problems with her husband, there are going to be so many other things that she will have pressing on her, particularly if the husband problems are v.bad...... she has young children that will need very special care and even though you need special care too, you will understand that they would have to come first for a while......it may well be that her marriage has been rocky for a while, and it is unfortunate timing for you .............

Whatever occurs, a soft communication keeps all doors open....... it says 'hey, we are ok and we can wait a while' and it hopefully will keep her from shutting a door through her own feelings of guilt........ saying that she hates herself every day is quite a 'telling' thing for her to say about herself .......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Re: newbie story

Postby david140288 » Mon Mar 10, 2014 8:52 pm

thank you for that lady archer.

another difficult day today.......random thoughts jump into my head about this whole situation when im trying to get on with my work.

not able to tell everyone around me why im quiet and subdued.

i come home from work and im moaney (my wife is 100 percent behind me) but i guess it may get better day by day i dont know.

going to give it a week then write a letter

thanks guys
david140288
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Feb 28, 2014 9:03 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby rc01 » Mon Mar 10, 2014 9:55 pm

Its odd isn't it how we can't talk about what is happening. I remember when I was in my reunion and when you do tell someone - even when that person is close to you - you feel childish talking about it, it sounds silly - trivial even...I don't know why that is. Most of the time therefore I didn't bother telling people and you are then holding it all in and like you said quiet and subdued. I hope you are talking to someone about how you are feeling.

Good luck David - I hope it works out. I can't say whether time makes it any easier - I think you need some form of closure to move on so hope you find at the very least that. I know a few people on this site have struggled post reunion where it has broken down so maybe they could help. Keep us all updated.

Becky
rc01
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 12:02 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby david140288 » Wed Mar 12, 2014 7:52 pm

thanks for that Becky, I have discussed everything with my wife, also I have discussed with my close friends.

in one of the conversations i had with my birth mother i said would she like a photo of our family and she said yes. does anyone think that it would be ok to send that photo? she has seen my photos on facebook i just think its a physiological thing that its a real photo id be sending. along with a letter basically along the lines of "as i said in our conversation i have sent you a photo. we are here and i hope you are ok i just don't understand why i was blocked?" (that kind of thing - obviously expanded a bit!)

i really do need closure and am sick of feeling like this.
david140288
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Feb 28, 2014 9:03 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby sylvie » Thu Mar 13, 2014 7:35 pm

I can't see how sending a photo would be a problem, especially as she expressly said she'd like one (and who wouldn't?! It's a lovely thing to send).
My only concern is whether she will actually receive it (ie. if there's some kind of problem at her home - as her saying she wasn't speaking to her husband suggested - then perhaps it won't actually reach her).

I really hope she responds.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: newbie story

Postby cleo » Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:22 pm

Hi david,

I am the birth mum who is in the same situation as you only the other way around...my son contacted me after nealry 30 years of waiting...we met up, a couple of hours of a couple of days, then again for an hour 4 months later....then things went down hill, he too said we needed to slow down..;which is quite easy as i don't live in the uk so is not easy to meet up anyway, but then he closed his email account, he moved house and never heard from him again!!!! WHY, i do not know, i ask myself everyday what i have done so wrong, but i cannot find a plausible answer, its been two years now since i last saw him..i also have a grandson, my first.....i'm so hurt thta i cannot know anything about him or see how he is growing up, he was only a year old when my son contacted me.....Christmas came and went for the 2nd time but nothing, also our birthdays, only a week difference, but nothing...i have very bad days, my husband is supportive but now its getting to much, he says i should let go and maybe one day my son will come back...but honestly, i don't think he will, he came looking for me, found out the missing pieces to his puzzle and left me to pick up the pieces...he knows how i feel about him, i was totally honest with him about everything, sadly i don't know alot about him.........i feel so empty...every day i go over a thousand things of what was said or what i did, but nothing can expalin why he just shut down...........sorry...i still have so much pain
cleo
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Next

Return to Adopted People

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron