Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby Turtle » Fri Mar 07, 2014 10:51 am

sylvie wrote:Just one other thing from my point of view - I don't think 'being needy', or needing something from someone else, is necessarily a bad thing.
If my son needed something from me, I would gladly give it if I could.
I think of neediness as being the expression of a vulnerability, and that's okay in my books.


I wonder if it's just me, or whether this generally applies to adoptees, but I have always lived my life as self sufficiently as possible. Being needy wasn't an option because I mainly feel isolated and distant from the world. Having read a lot about adoption, I assume that is because the most important thing in a child's life, it's mother, is taken away from it. That breaks trust, and so it is better, at that point to just count on yourself, not other people. I totally keep the world at arm's length to prevent being hurt. (Although now I at least recognise that and so try to counteract it).
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sarah 1971 » Fri Mar 07, 2014 3:44 pm

Hi All,

Just wanted to say a massive thank you for taking the time to read and reply, you have all given me a lot to think of and have given it to me straight, which is exactly what I wanted and what I need.
One thing that first comes to mind is to keep this letter just for me and my feelings, I can see where you are all coming from and I certainly need to reword it. Actually I think I need to rethink my feelings as Becky is right in that I am trying to pass over some of my hurt and that is never a good thing, I guess I am trying to get a reaction by pulling on the heart strings, although I didn't mean to come across like that.
Sylvie is right too in that I am trying to make light and put myself down, I have a habit of that!!
I am going to go away and rethink things. I think I feel that she has time for her other 2 daughters and never goes a day without talking but she can go months without talking to me, but then we never grew up together so what should I expect. Maybe that green eyed monster is resurfacing- damn him lol!!!!

After reading your story Becky, mine looks like a walk in the park and I should be so grateful, I am so glad you have worked through things, I send a hug right back to you!!!!

This forum is a godsend.
xxxx
sarah 1971
 
Posts: 356
Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:15 am
Location: Essex

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Fri Mar 07, 2014 7:50 pm

Sarah, I still think it would be good for you to express your feelings and have them heard.
Comments about your original letter are only to make sure it is going to do and say what you want it to do and say.
I really think it's important that you say what you need to say. For you and for her.
Isn't that part of building a relationship anyway - that when things don't feel right we try to communicate that so we're all a bit more enlightened about stuff we might have completely missed or not realised?
My son and I, whenever we've broached something that's been bothering us, are always astounded. We never would've guessed unless the other had said. But once we understand, it makes us closer because we know that little bit more about each other and who we are.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby rc01 » Fri Mar 07, 2014 8:10 pm

Hi Sarah

I don't think you are being unreasonable or jealous - and you certainly deserve to have your feelings heard. I think my comments and others on here are simply to say sort out the difference between what is valid and what is a projection of the way you are feeling and have different underlying meanings from the past.

I think I feel that she has time for her other 2 daughters and never goes a day without talking but she can go months without talking to me, but then we never grew up together so what should I expect.


That in itself is valid - might be wise to re-word it slightly to the BM version of "I just want to spend more time with you" or she may feel you are jealous of her daughters and this might cause a rift. What isn't valid is "what should I expect" - its where to start with that one really!

What do you deserve? What should you expect from your life? Tough questions for an adoptee - there is no reason why it shouldn't be the same as any person right? We are after all human and born with brains, fingers, toes etc.. so why is your answer so different? What should you expect? So you never grew up together - so she missed your childhood - she missed all those little things which we associate as being family - it is family not just an association - but it can't be what everything is about or there wouldn't be so many people on here struggling with their feelings around adoption, dealing with reunion.. there is something more than that - actually I don't like the word "more" in that sentence - there is something else as well as that - some kind of genetic mutual bond.

So your relationship with your BM will always be different to her daughters who have grown up with her but it doesn't have to be less - in terms of contact or bond/closeness. You deserve that and that is what you should expect. Everything else you are "expecting" is the child in you afraid you are going to get hurt - the baby who remembers mummy didn't come back, the teenager who rebels against anything good - low self esteem is too common in adoptees - the constant "I was not wanted, what did I do wrong?" plays - often subconsciously sabotaging positive relationships and reunion brings all of this to the surface making you feel incredibly vulnerable and more prone to listen to the baby and the child. You are an adult and you know the logic so take control! You expect a positive loving relationship with your bm and you deserve this happiness in your life - why would anything else be the case?

So tell her that and believe that yourself instead of giving in to that child saying you aren't good enough, that you have to put yourself down, that you don't deserve better and therefore expect the worst. You are worth so very much more and your bm should get to see you - her daughter - at your best.

All the best

Becky
rc01
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 12:02 pm

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sarah 1971 » Sat Mar 08, 2014 12:07 pm

Thanks you 2,

In a nutshell, do you think I should send a letter or not? Albeit an amended one as you were very true on the points raised.

xx
sarah 1971
 
Posts: 356
Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:15 am
Location: Essex

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby rc01 » Sat Mar 08, 2014 1:11 pm

If it were me I wouldn't - I would prefer to say how I felt to her face or at least over the phone with you saying distance is an issue. Albeit it is more nerve wracking I think the chances of a good outcome are greater. A letter is almost a step backwards in your relationship - how you communicate when you first got in touch.. emails/letter usually come before face to face contact and it seems to me like you need to communicate clearly than that.

That been said that's me and it sounds like you struggle to express how you feel so if that's the only way you can tell her then yes I think you should send a letter - its better than not saying anything at all and continuing to be unhappy with the relationship which doesn't help anyone.

Becky xx
rc01
 
Posts: 69
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 12:02 pm

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Sat Mar 08, 2014 7:41 pm

Only you know the best way you get your feelings across - whatever that is is the way I would use.

The bonus of a letter is that it feels very personal as it contains your handwriting. It allows you time to say what you need to say, and it allows her time to read and reflect on it. Emails and texts have that inbuilt pressure to respond immediately, or explain away the yawning silence until you do. And the typeface is impersonal.

Face-to-face, in a one-to-one situation, with plenty of time and nothing to intrude or get back for is the best way I think, and if you can create that between you then that would be ideal. The bonus of that way is that you can each see each other's faces and expressions. The blipside is whether you would feel able to say how you felt in that situation? If so, tell her that you need that kind of time with her and make a date for it.

Phones are strange - I always thought I was rubbish on the phone, and my son thought he was too. But recently we've been having some really lovely chats on the phone, and they feel very personal and close. So maybe a phone call would work - but if you go down this route, I think again that you should make sure you both have enough time to have this conversation in full. No interruptions etc. Because its a deep conversation, with hurt in the centre of it, so you need to be heard fully and have your feelings recognised.

There was a point some while back that I felt my relationship with my son was adrift. Deep feelings were stirred because of the impending arrival of his first child, but we had somehow got stumped when it came to communicating with each other. On the advice of a very dear friend, I wrote him a letter. It allowed me to say exactly what I most wanted to say, and in the way I wanted to say it, based on my feelings. I took ages over it, to make sure it said what I wanted to say. I was very apprehensive about sending it (expressing yourself always comes with a 'yikes' doesn't it?), but I'm so glad I did, and he liked it. So I am a fan of letters, but that may be my age.

What was important about my letter to him was that it allowed me to tell him how much I treasured him.

I think what you're asking of your first mother is fine, and in fact healthy (it's also lovely - in a sense you are claiming your place as her daughter). If you can do it in a way that expresses how you feel, rather than what you imagine she's thinking or doing, I think it would be best. We know our own feelings, whereas we can only guess those of others.

If you choose to send the letter, take your time to write it so that it says exactly what you want it to say. In exactly the way you want to say it.

Hugs.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby tizzkins » Sat Mar 29, 2014 12:00 pm

Hi Sarah i believe i knew you from when i was on the forum before. Not been on here in a while but am back. Anyhow if writing a letter to your b/m makes you feel better then do it only you can decide whether to or not. Not sure if you remember but when i eventually got in touch with my b/f he didnt want to know even though there is a question mark over him being my father he has said in his words that even if i was to prove he was my father he didnt want to know as again in his words "thats a part of his life he would like to forget" although he has never explained these words. So really in my case my father stopped contact almost before it had even began. I have however stopped all contact with all my birth family and i will explain why. I have been in reunion now for about eight years and to me if things arent working now then they never will. My brother and me are very similar and we each over the years have had our "paddys and thrown toys out of our prams. I didnt hear from him for three years then out of the blue last year he got in touch via his daughter wanting to know me again i wasnt happy with the fact of not hearing from him for so long and then him getting in touch trying to pick up where we left off so in a bad mood i automatically said no. Thought about it for a day and decided that there was no harm in trying so got in touch with the daughter and my brother now said no to me. So there you have it two adults acting like kids in a playgroud. Another brother and me had a close relationship but then i think i just wanted different things to him so we parted company although he does still send the odd letter. Its been one big mess for me really so last year i took a stand and ceased all contact with all the birth family and i know this probably wont make any sense given the situation but i am happier now than i have ever been. I am no longer waiting for the next argument or disagreement. I have put my family (hubby and children) first as i am sure that the whole thing affected them also. I have my immediate family and also my adoptive parents and brothers and my relationship with them is what i would call "normal" if there is such a thing there is never any of this bickering. Sorry for waffling on. xx
tizzkins
 
Posts: 130
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 3:43 pm
Location: Hertfordshire

Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby cleo » Wed Apr 09, 2014 11:37 am

Hi Sarah & everyone

Well i would give anything to have my son contact me again and want to tell me everything he gets up too, sadly sarah this is not the case, i feel like i keep repeaating myself, so i think maybe you should read my posts to understand what has gone on with me being a BM.....i have been open with my son about how i felt and how i always will feel about him, this morning again i got to thinking of something he said when he first came looking for me.....he did'nt know that if he found (as he had so many questions going through his head) that maybe i would tell him that i regretted ever having him or maybe i would'nt want to know him...it all seem negative thoughs..i don't thnk he thought about "what if my mum doe's want to know me, what if she doe's love me"....i don't think he thought what it would be like and if he would be prepared to have a bmum that really cares and wants to be part of his life...looking back i guess i was too close for comfort in a way, always wanting to hear from him although when he said he needed things to slow down..;we did, i left it 3 months one time, then we'd be ok, but then also with a big distance between us it was'nt easy to pop up and see him...when i was able to come over 4 months after our 1st meeting, something was different, i had a gut feeling......i told him this...he said we'd be ok...the texts went on for a while but then our 2nd christmas, i sent a msg, and he sent one back very late, then new year nothing..; i was over in the january and asked if we could meet up...he sent a text saying "thinking of a good day".....i have'nt heard from him since then.....2yrs now and at easter it will be 3yrs since i last saw him :-(

Like i said (sorry i went abit off track, but this morning i was thinking about him being worreid about being rejected...yet its the other way around!!!! I have officially a broken heart, i held on for so long for my son hoping one day he would contact me...and when he did i was over the moon..but 4 months later......i'd do anything to have him back, the worse thing is i do not know what i have done so wrong...i guess thats what hurts the most...

Its a shame that there are Bmum and other adoptees who are in the same situtation, wishing that the other would love to know what is going on after all these years, i'd love to know or see how my only grandson is doing to...he was 1yrs old when i first saw him......

I wish you all the best sarah, i have tried to be honest with my son, wrote letters to him....but that doe'snt work for him...i don't know how he feels about me, i thought we got on so well, he said at the beginning i was the best 2nd mum he could of wished for.....Now i'm thinking maybe most of the lovely things he said were in the heat of the moment while we were both on the rollercoaster ride of emotions.......i don't know....
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Previous

Return to Adopted People

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 2 guests