Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

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Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sarah 1971 » Mon Mar 03, 2014 3:30 pm

Hi All,

Just wondered if any of you who had found your birth parents ever stopped the contact yourself?

I found my b.mum 3 years ago, I found my bf but he wasn't interested. Anyway I do get on with my bm, we have met and she has another 2 daughters but over the last 6 months at least the contact is getting less. We will still text each other weekly but its a few lines, not much info and it seems a bit strained. I can waffle on for ages but get hardly anything back.
I have hinted in the past about distance being the problem and bm replied that she is happy with what she has, I though, am not. I want more, I want her to want to know what I am doing, how my children are, all the little things that she does with her daughters. The fact that it is not like this makes me think I am putting so much effort in that it is causing me to over think everything and generally making me unhappy. I actually thought less about being adopted before I found her, it was in some ways easier.
We have a distance between us which never helps but I have travelled up there many times and I cannot help but think its a bit one sided.
I did draft a letter saying how I felt but am too nervous to send it, once its sent you cannot take it back!! And I am still wanting everything to be as I had imagined....yes I should take my rose tinted glasses off!!

I just wondered how others coped.

Sarah x
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:15 pm

Hi Sarah

If my son felt like this, I would want to know.
Can you send the letter? Or ask her to make some time especially so you can talk it over with her, face to face?
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sarah 1971 » Tue Mar 04, 2014 10:35 am

Hi Sylvie,

I do wish my bm was more like you as you have always wanted to be a part of your sons life. I don't think my bm feels the same. I think in her way she does love me and she is glad I am in touch but she leads a busy life and I don't feature right high up in it. I can understand she has her own life to lead and I am glad that she is happy with it but if I tell her how I feel then it may come across as needy/desperate and all those things that I don't want to be.
She talks to her daughters a few times each day and sees them daily and whilst I don't want that I do want more than a phone call every 3 months, a text that you would just send a friend and a visit once maybe twice a year - us going to them, never them to us.
I did broach this once and she said that she is happy with what she has and whilst my children still live at home it can never be any different, if I lived closer it would be different. But then I personally think with distance it just means make a bit more effort and that, for me, is very one sided.

If I say something it could ruin things all together but then whats the alternative as I don't like how it is now!!!

Sarahx
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby rc01 » Wed Mar 05, 2014 11:25 pm

Hi Sarah

How long have you been in touch with your bm? Your post reminded me of the first 1-3 years of contact with my birth family and how turbulent and emotional it was.. Full of pushing and pulling in all directions, not knowing what to do for the best, wondering whether it means more to you than them.. over-analysing every email, text, phone call.. It really was quite frankly a complete head f**k :shock:

I think the hardest part was the fear of losing them again. I was like a young teenager in love for the first time, it was very strange but quite common when reunion occurs from what I now understand. I think boundaries do need to be set in this regard and these are normal until they are at a level you can both understand and be happy with. When I first got in touch with birth family there was 10-20 texts and emails a day flying around for months, it was all I would think about for at least 2 years of my life but somehow over time it has reduced and become more "normal" - I think about them like I would my other family and sometimes now will be annoyed when they call because my favourite tv programme is on or something. Your post makes me wonder what happened to make it "normal" and my only answer is time which sounds pretty corny but likely very true. We pushed and pulled and argued and sulked with one another until we were both happy with the relationship and levels of contact which for us is daily phone calls and see each other every week or so. If I'm been entirely honest I would now prefer this to be less - I speak to my adoptive mum 2 or 3 times a week and that would be preferable as it sometimes now feels like a chore.

I suppose the point of all this is that I stopped contact with birth family on a few occasions in the first few years and so they did they but I think that's why it worked. We were honest with one another and argued in our different truths but that was part of the process of reconciliation and what I think has made us close. I can only give you the same advice ; you have to tell your bm how you are feeling and why - you might argue, you may even fall out but that's a positive step forward and will hopefully be a breakthrough, you may even find out what she is afraid of. I wouldn't send a letter - I would tell her in person or at least over the phone so she can see how much this means to you and face up to that. A letter is easier to ignore, forget about and live with the guilt...

I'm not talking about emotional blackmail here, you are likely also going to have to compromise and settle for less of what you want but I think just by being honest with her yourself you will learn more about what is making her tick and feel closer to her as a result.

What you must remember is that you are YOU with or without her. If you telling her what you want scares her off entirely then what can you do? You will simply just have to reassure yourself that its her problem (which it would be) and there is nothing you can do. I think the main problems with reunion is that both parties NEED so much and WANT so much from the other that it becomes so emotionally draining that individuals react differently it causes this pulling and pushing motion that feels like you are almost constantly fighting invisible battles.

I remember a really ridiculous argument I had with birth family in the early years and it was about something tiny which then escalated to me bringing up how many kisses a text message had ! - I am a little embarrassed by that now it was absurd but it seemed perfectly rational at the time. I'm not saying you are been irrational - I really don't think you are - but one thing that really hit home to me was that the whole thing seemed to mean more to ME than them and as a consequence I was over-analysing everything - maybe you are too. You are thinking too much about how to tell your birth mum you want more because you are scared of feeling exposed, scared of been rejected again - an absolute apocalypse moment for any adoptee - but you have to tell her or the whole relationship is flawed and likely will fizzle out. She must know you for the relationship to work - let her get to know you by telling her how you are feeling how else is she supposed to get to know the real you?

I feel like I have gone on forever so sorry and I understand your worries but pick up the phone, knock on her door... talk to her. That's the only way to build a lasting relationship and ensure it works. And if it doesn't then surely that's better than having a relationship which is unsatisfactory and means you have to bite your tongue??

Big hugs and love

Becky
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Thu Mar 06, 2014 9:51 am

Becky - your post is great! (I especially loved the bit about number of kisses on a text - brave of you to share that :lol: , and something I've also experienced!)

Sarah - if you change she for he in the following section of your post, it would become something I could've written about my son sometimes.

I think in her way she does love me and she is glad I am in touch but she leads a busy life and I don't feature right high up in it. I can understand she has her own life to lead and I am glad that she is happy with it but if I tell her how I feel then it may come across as needy/desperate and all those things that I don't want to be.


The thing is, once we've reunited with our original family members, we have to keep communicating in order for our relationships to live. If we don't, our fears can creep in, and our assumptions cause havoc.

The thing I feel very strongly about is the severing of contact. I think this is an emotional bomb for all parties in a reunited situation, and I think the pain caused by it can cause lasting damage. I think it is absolutely okay to say when you want more space, or some time and a period of reflection away from the relationship, or to say you aren't happy with something about the relationship and that it needs to change, but to cut contact without word is not a neutral act in a reuniting situation.

I am sure, as adopted people, you can imagine the pain you would feel if your first mother did that to you after reunion, and all of the profoundly painful feelings that would be ignited by that.

I can certainly imagine what I would feel if my son did that, and it would severely affect our relationship as I did not come into the relationship as a sturdy person, I came into it as someone who lost her child at 16 and for decades didn't even know if he was alive. That shreds your nerves. So my son disappearing for a prolonged period without word would have a devastating effect that might possibly last. I'm saying this not to put you in a corner, but just to alert you to the fact that disappearing from a reunited relationship is extremely triggering for both the adopted person and the first mother, and so should therefore never be done lightly.

We have people on all sections of this forum who have experienced the above and their pain is dreadful.

I think it's important, though difficult, to give yourself the right to say what you feel and ask for what you need. If it isn't heard, ask again.
The reunited relationship is unique in some ways, in its profundity and its early fragility, but in many ways it is also like other relationships, needing the same ingredients of truth-telling, open-heartedness, trust, respect etc that others do.

Just my little opinion...
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sarah 1971 » Thu Mar 06, 2014 2:49 pm

Thank you Becky and Sylvie,

You both have really given me something to think about from both sides of the coin too which is good.
Becky I think you may even have been living in my mind - what you say is so accurate about how I feel and how I am acting and reacting, spookily so but such a relief to read!!

I found my bm just over 3 years ago. It was a chance finding, I wrote to her, she was thrilled and we exchanged letters from November to January, then she called in January and we used to talk maybe once a week or fortnight. Then I met her the following July along with her 2 daughters. Since then I have been up on my own once, a short break with all the family, once for her son in laws funeral (I do think things would have been different had he lived, he was a really nice, fun guy and instantly clicked with my husband, they would have been great friends-he is sorely missed) and I think about 4 or 5 overnight hotel breaks. I have invited them down here but that has never happened. I get on well with her daughter who lost her husband, we text weekly or fortnightly and the other daughter is not so much.

Can I ask you Becky about how you found your bm etc?
I know Sylvies story from chatting and reading before on here.

I am desperately trying not to come across as someone throwing their toys out of the pram as that is so not me, I think I am an all or nothing kind of person and when I started this whole process I really had no idea how much of an affect it would have on me.

I have a lovely family of my own, some fab friends and I am not looking for anyone to fill a gap but I grew up with an expectation of how things would be and how much she would want to be a part of my life, having thought about that all the time I need to adjust my expectations and rethink things I guess.
I also grew up not getting on with by a.parents, I am very different to them and have always felt something is missing although we do get on well and they are great with the children but I do have to 'tow the line' with things!!!
I am so like my bm and her daughters and I feel sad that I didn't have the opportunity to grow up with them, having said that I know it would have made things different but I really am on the outside looking in. I don't want to live in her pocket and know everything about her day but I would certainly like more 'meaningful' contact. I get something that you may send a mate that you forgot to call back, I want more than that. We are over 4 hours drive apart so that doesn't help at all, her youngest daughter had a baby 3 months ago and her other daughter lost her husband nearly 2 years ago so I do appreciate she has a lot on but I am still here, it took a lot to trace and make contact and truth be known I think she should want more contact.

How do I say all that without coming across as needy?

My bm, whilst affectionate and fun, also has a 'call a spade a spade' way about her, which is not bad but its not me and I think she can come across as quite blunt whereas I use a 1,000 words to say just 10 (can you tell :lol: ).
I hate any upset and bad feeling and always back away from confrontation and that's what stops me saying anything. I can be quite emotional but can write my feelings down well although I get your point Becky about it being better said, although I don't see them often.

I guess through all my waffle I won't break contact but I know I should say something although I am not sure how I will do that. I did compose a letter but its never been sent. I thought it would make me feel better if I wrote down how I felt but it didn't.
Or I carry on as we are and concentrate on who makes me feel better, hubby, kids and friends - that too is easier said than done!!!!

I am due to take a holiday up nearby in August but we may have an opportunity to go abroad and so may cancel. I last went up with hubby and 2 of the 4 kids for an overnight stay in September, there are no plans to see them before August.

Thank you for listening and letting me ramble, it really does help.
Sarah x
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Thu Mar 06, 2014 3:58 pm

Sarah, I hope I'm not butting in here, I'm just trying to offer another viewpoint for consideration.

I am so like my bm and her daughters and I feel sad that I didn't have the opportunity to grow up with them


I know my son feels this too, and I feel the same. It is a terrible loss we cannot undo, but I think it's important to acknowledge that loss, as painful as it is.

We are over 4 hours drive apart


Snap, us too.

I want more than that.


If my son said that, I would be really pleased.

I hate any upset and bad feeling and always back away from confrontation and that's what stops me saying anything. I can be quite emotional but can write my feelings down well


This is why I thought writing might be good for you. Although there is nothing like sitting in front of the person, writing it can help you formulate what you want to say and express it how you want to. Sometimes my brain doesn't work quickly enough so what I want to say gets cut short whereas, like you, I feel able to express myself well in words. Why not a letter to explain your feelings and then a follow up one-to-one to talk it through when you can?

I have invited them down here but that has never happened.


Do you live near your aparents? If so, she might be intimidated about coming to stay with you. I know I am regarding staying at my son's house - his aparents live nearby and they are extremely hostile to me. The thought of them walking into the house while I am there makes the blood drain from my face. I simply couldn't abide them treating me contemptibly. I would have to remain silent, for the sake of my son, and that would be extremely difficult as I can't bear that kind of behaviour. So I kind of avoid staying there. Could that be a factor in your situation?

I am still here, it took a lot to trace and make contact and truth be known I think she should want more contact.

How do I say all that without coming across as needy?


I don't think it comes across as needy. I think it comes across as self-respecting and also respectful of the connection between you both. That's how I would read it if my son said that to me.

Good luck Sarah. I think the fact that you have good communication skills is very helpful.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sarah 1971 » Thu Mar 06, 2014 5:10 pm

Hi Sylvie,

I didn't think that she may not come down because of my a.parents. Yes they do live close by and they have no idea that I am in touch with bm, it is and sadly always has been a taboo subject and one that is never mentioned and so I can never tell them, they wouldn't understand. I can understand bm feeling like that, for me it would be nerve wracking too so for her even more so - good point.

Can't you be my bm-we would have solved all our problems lol!!!

I have drafted a letter to her, would you mind if I pm it to you as it would be interesting to get your point of view on it. Hope you dont mind me asking and its no problem if you'd rather not, just a thought.

Sarah xx
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Thu Mar 06, 2014 6:17 pm

Yes, that's fine. I'm just one person and I might be really different in character, but I'm happy to take a look and throw my two pennyworth in.
Are you in a hurry? I just have something I have to do tonight - once that's done I can attend!

I wish we all had mind-reading capabilities, and heart-reading ones too. I think empathy is the closest we get to that, but it can get easily scrambled!
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby ladyarcher » Thu Mar 06, 2014 7:56 pm

I wrote this earlier this afternoon, but had not finished it when daughter dropped in, so it had to be left for a bit, and then it was getting supper ready time, so some of my thoughts may well not 'gel' with the last few posts that have happened while I have been away from the 'puter.........however here it is anyway........

I think this problem of how often one sees any of the birth relatives, and how 'deep' the relationship gets, is one that can probably eat some people up ....... I don't quite know how it can be resolved without a very frank conversation in which people can easily accidentally get hurt without either side actually intending such an outcome....

...many people are very unused to, and not good at expressing their feelings........I think that this is partially the fault of the modern communication methods......going back forty or so years, people had to communicate face to face in 'reality' ......our shops were not 'serve yourself' ...... there was no e-mail, no answerphones, no texts........you had to telephone properly and talk, or write a letter which gave you time to re-read what you had put and see if it looked wrong........now, it's all texts, even from upstairs to downstairs, or FB messages which are as bad as e-mails.......very little time to think about what you are saying, and zip...ping, it has gone........if you were very lucky 'way back when', ....if you had made a very bad choice and actually posted something you regretted,......... you could stand by the post box and cry, and the postman would, although he shouldn't, give you your letter back.......,now there is very little time to plan properly, next to no conversation in shops, next to no village shops......pubs closing, churches empty........it's a wonder we have not forgotten how to talk at all.............. but we 'communicate' all the time.......

...the result of all this 'communication' is, in fact, that nobody actually communicates at all.......words are exchanged, but not proper exchanges of thoughts and feelings........yet at the same time the exchanges are so 'instant' that if there is not an 'instant' reply then people can become annoyed, and/or upset.......one of my non daughters in law is like that........she constantly texts my two daughters and my other daughter in law....... maybe ten or twenty times a day........and as my two daughters are at work, they do not reply instantly, if at all in that working day........they then get a deluge of 'have I done something to offend you....?' texts ........ non daughter in law (with my youngest son but not married to him..) is at home all day in a small village, with toddler, and doesn't drive.......therefore bored and not fully occupied...
........Different people react different ways, when I was home with small children, I went out and joined lots of things, and soon had a big circle of nice acquaintances and some v.good friends, who are still friends forty plus years on.......non daughter in law is not a 'joiner'...so is lonely......

Going back to the adoption and frequency of contact problem.......I have not actually seen my full sister for nearly 18 months now.....I last saw her when she came to visit me in hospital when I was v. ill ....... I did not find her, as you all know, until we were both into our sixties......we both have v.busy lives.....I have a large family, she has a residential job that is several weeks on, being a live in companion to an elderly lady, then a week or two off......her husband is frequently abroad guiding ornithological expeditions, and when they are both home together they are usually in their house on a remote Irish island with unreliable dial-up internet access.......so between us it is rare to both be available at the same time to see each other............five years ago when I first found her........., we would phone each other about once a week.....I don't do texting ..... then she got a computer and learned to e-mail, and that too was about once a week, when she was at work in Dorset and could get internet access........then gradually it lapsed to about once or twice a month......now often two months will go by without either of us making the effort to 'phone or e-mail.....

... however, it truly doesn't matter....... because we are both now in our late sixties, and know fine well that we each have sixty plus years of 'other life' that is there and taking up time and needing attention......, especially in my case as we do a vast amount of childminding for one of our daughters......even though now the little-est one is just at school, there still is a curtailed day, usually picking up at 3.30.......and often if daughter is on an early shift.....going across, getting him up, breakfasted, and taking him to school.......and in my sister's case, she cannot phone while doing her old lady minding, and often can get no connection when on the island, and then again, if her time off coincides with her husband's expedition she often will go with him to amazing parts of the world, and sends me postcards from places such as Machu Piccu etc.....she is the traveller, I am the stay at home sister......needless to say, she has no children.....

What I am trying to say, is that both or either of us could get very wound up about not seeing/contacting each other for weeks at a time......in fact very early on she did say to my husband that she was scared I would lose interest, or be disappointed with her, now that a 'chase' of 40 years was over.......never would I lose interest, and certainly not be disappointed with her.....she is a most lively and interesting person......... when we are in contact we just talk about whatever we have been doing, I fill her in on what my children have been doing, and she tells me about her old lady, and about any trips she has been on, we talk about our gardens, hers on the island has just been flattened with the storms, we talk a lot about horses as we both ride, and we just laugh and joke a lot.....never is there any sort of 'guilt trip talk' about who rang who first or last.......or how long it has been.....just the immediate fun of the moment.........delighted to hear from each other, and not bothered if we don't........although she did ring me in a panic a few days ago, because she had what appeared to be two missed calls from one of my daughters, and was scared I was ill again........ however, my daughter's three year old had been randomly pressing buttons on her phone, so all was well.......

... I think, we have actually only been together about six or seven times over the course of five years.......the first meeting was quite weird, we met at a country pub in the Cotswolds as it was half way between where we are in Wales, and Surrey where she was working at the time.......since then we dropped in on her unannounced while travelling down to Cornwall......my sister and her husband bought a small cottage in Somerset soon after we met, as they need to be nearer an airport for his work, but they still have the house in Ireland for longer times off.......once they diverted a bit and stayed a night with us in Wales on their way to the ferry to Ireland, from Pembroke.......we lunched with them on a different trip to Cornwall, and my sister came to our second daughter's wedding.......one or two other drop ins, and they visited me in hospital.......so there you are.......sixty plus years apart, and only a few actual meetings.....but to us it doesn't matter, we understand eachother.......and of course it is a different relationship to that of a birth mother and adult child, where each worries about rejection....

LA
Last edited by ladyarcher on Sat Mar 08, 2014 9:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sarah 1971 » Thu Mar 06, 2014 10:16 pm

Thank you for your reply LA, lovely to hear from you again.
I can see what you are saying and you are so right about contact with anyone nowadays. I am as guilty as anyone, I still remember the days when we didn't have mobiles etc and had to pick up the phone or go and knock for someone, I miss that. It has probably made me more anti social and out of quickness I text when I should really call and chat. And yes I am guilty of having my phone by me lots so I nearly always reply to texts and if someone doesn't, well birth family, then I keep checking my phone all the time!!!
I do think I feel slightly different because this is my bm, it is hard for me to pick up the pieces after 40 years and so I can see that actually it may be just as hard for her. I expect her to be overwhelmed with me where actually she has made a life for herself and I have unexpectedly come into it, so it can't be easy for her I guess.
I was going to pm this to you Sylvie but I don't need to keep it private so here is the letter I composed to see what you lovely lot think.

Dear XXXX,

It seems like such a long time since I have written to you and I feel it’s been a massive roller coaster journey and has been so emotional for me, I did think it would get easier for me as time went on but it hasn’t really and that’s hard for me.
I am glad that I finally found the courage to trace you, it hasn’t been an easy journey for me and I think it is something that I will always have to battle with a bit but nonetheless I am glad I did find you. I wish things had gone differently with John Malcolmson’s side, I did contact his daughter once but she was obviously of the same opinion as her father-her silence said it all!!! Sometimes watching long lost family gives you false hope but I am accepting that I won’t ever have contact with him and to be honest, I really don’t think I do now.

I have always imagined what it would be like to meet you and I built up a picture in my mind as to how it would go. To be able to meet you and see how physically alike we are is something that means a huge amount to me, it’s a small thing to others but then unless you’ve been in this situation it is very hard to understand. I rarely talk to anyone about it all now although I do have a few friends from the forum who are a godsend to me when I need them.

I loved the contact we first had, I enjoyed getting your letters regularly and I will always remember that first phone call we had and then it was nice that we seemed to build up a bit of a routine for chatting on the phone and texting each other quite often, then being able to meet you was so lovely. Distance is a massive problem for us and I’d like to think we would be closer if we weren’t miles apart. My life is here with Stew and the kids and I have some brilliant friends and I know your life is with Lisa, Jo and your friends too.

I just wish our contact was more regular and the fact that it isn’t can really play on my mind. I know by writing this letter I am opening a can of worms and once things are said they cannot be taken back and so I hope this letter does not send out the wrong message or upset you in anyway but, I don’t know if I can carry on as we are, its not enough for me but I know it cant really be any more. If it was down to me I would speak with you each week, exchange texts 2-3 times a week and make plans to see you more often but I don’t think that’s what you want. I think you are happy that you know me, you know I am ok and that’s enough for you but it’s not for me. I am very conscious I am making myself sound a stalker (which I am not lol!!)
I want you to want to be more in touch with me. I want you to want to know what I have been up to, what I bought shopping, how the kids are etc….all the little, insignificant things that families tell each other. I want you to want to come and see where I live and where I went to school or where the kids go to school, I want you to know what my life is like here, ‘down South’. I just want more than we have now. That does sound brattish…sorry!!!

I think for those reasons I need to break away and rather than wonder what you’re doing or whether my phone beeping is a text from you I need to concentrate on my own wellbeing and get myself back to a happier place as I feel I have lost that a bit since I began tracing you. That is in no way a reflection on you, nor am I blaming you, I thought I could handle it all but I don’t think at the moment I can.
How this lies with you, I don’t know, it may be that by sending this I will cause a rift that cannot be mended but if it is meant to be, it will be and that is something that I will have to deal with. Maybe just writing it down on paper will be help me or maybe I need to post this to you, if you’re reading it then I may just have shot myself in the foot!!

I hope you can understand all that I have said and I hope that in some ways it makes sense to you. I know I am coming at this from my point of view, I don’t know what it was like or has been like for you but you’re a strong character and I think you’re ok, I certainly hope so.

Always sending you lots of love,
Sarah xx


Please be honest, I can take it lol!!!!
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Thu Mar 06, 2014 11:13 pm

Here's my very quick reply - I'll think on it more tomorrow...

It's really great that you've said so clearly what you would like.

Here's my comments on other parts:

To be able to meet you and see how physically alike we are is something that means a huge amount to me


I think people who are not adopted don't understand this. I only understand this because of reading posts by adopted people but your b.mother may not ever have done that and so might not get how important this is to you. I don't know whether you necessarily need to emphasise this - it's just that I only got this when I read someone say that, until they met members of their family of origin, they had never seen someone who looked like them.

I am very conscious I am making myself sound a stalker (which I am not lol!!)


You don't sound like a stalker at all - you sound like a daughter who would like to have a deeper relationship with her original mother. So I would take this out if it were me - I don't think you should undermine yourself or your feelings with this sort of phrase. Just my view.

I want you to want to come and see where I live and where I went to school or where the kids go to school, I want you to know what my life is like here, ‘down South’. I just want more than we have now. That does sound brattish…sorry!!!


Same comment as I wrote above. No, this doesn't sound brattish and you have nothing to apologise for - you are simply asking for what you would like, and I think it is lovely that you do want these things.

I think for those reasons I need to break away


I think this would really freak me out. I simply couldn't bear it if my son said this. People react in different ways to deep fear and if this phrase triggers that in her as it would in me, she might react in ways that aren't helpful to your relationship, just out of overwhelming panic at the thought of losing you again (which is what my thoughts would be - but she might be different). If it would feel true for you, could this phrase be changed to something along the lines of 'I want this to change and I really need them to as I'm feeling hurt by the small amount of contact we have at the moment'. Just a suggestion, but it keeps it specific and something she can do something about, rather than pressing the adoption-induced panic button! Of course, do what feel right to you.

it may be that by sending this I will cause a rift that cannot be mended


I wouldn't ever entertain the possibility of a rift that cannot be mended so I wouldn't put that out there as a possibililty. I'd take out those four words from that sentence.

if it is meant to be, it will be


To a sensitive soul, that could sound like you're not that bothered (when I know that is the opposite of what you're saying).

Generally...

I think the fact that you want more contact is lovely. And saying that the way things are now is causing you pain gives her an opportunity to change things.
Bearing your heart and sharing your feelings is good and I hope she is sensitive enough to you to really hear what you are saying. I think it's great you are attempting to communicate your feelings, rather than just closing the whole thing down as it is sometimes tempting to do when things feel very painful.

Overall, just make sure you get yourself heard, even if it takes a few goes, but avoiding frightening absolutes which might make the conversation gallop off into places neither you nor she ever intended or wanted.

Hope that makes sense. Just my two pennyworth, ignore whatever doesn't fit, and good luck.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby rc01 » Thu Mar 06, 2014 11:54 pm

Hey ((((Sarah))))

Quite annoyed as wrote out a long reply then for some reason my laptop crashed so now I try to remember what the hell I was babbling on about for so long - damn technology!

I think the letter is lovely, it really does show how much you care which just makes me want to hug you and tell you everything is going to be OK. But you asked for honesty so here goes..

Think about what you are really trying to say in the letter - what is it all about - now really? Grown up Sarah answer please?! Sorry if that is patronising but let me explain, the cruz of your issue is that you want to have a more fulfilling relationship with her, spend more time with her, get to know her better - am I right? Yet most of the letter screams this reunion is causing me pain, I can't deal with this and this can't be fixed. You are playing on stereotypical bm triggers which are often very real - she has spent most of her life believing you were better off without her (that's the only way she has got through it), that you have been and are happy and probably the deepest I don't deserve you. Your letter will reinforce that for her - the voices inside her head have always told her that you are happy without her and she doesn't deserve you and your letter says you are making me unhappy - it just lives up to both of your demon post adoption expectations. She has to martyr you all over again - afraid she is the problem and you have a happy life without her - and YOU well you will have played out the same quiet neurotic actions of many an adoptee - the testing, the pulling, the punishment, the neediness... the end result if young adoptee has their own way - alone.

I'm generalising here for which I apologise but I am unsure I am being clear in what I am trying to say - adoption reunions fail because of the emotion on both sides - the false projections working back and forth and just how much each other NEED something from the other. The letter will likely come as a bolt out of the blue for your BM - she is perhaps like LA delighted to be in touch with you but genuinely busy with everyday life - she is likely calmer now she knows you are OK as you have "fulfilled" that nagging question in her mind, in her heart. She does love you. The letter may play one of bm's triggers as I've said and does she need to know yet? Tell her the simple truth first - get rid of all the other adoptee crap - YOU WANT HER IN YOUR LIFE MORE BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER. There is no bm trigger for that!

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid - they so really are - but they are reactions and when you really study them they are the toddler in us - reacting, sulking, pushing, pulling, needing... What other relationship in your life would you apply the same standards to? Number of texts, time taken to reply, how many kisses, what did that sentence really mean? It will drive you mad and is a bit crazy because you are needy - how can you be anything but? You have been mirrored for the first time in your life - somehow feel like you came from somewhere - that there is people out there who twitch their mouths the same way as you.. that sound the same as you when you laugh, that somehow make you feel wanted for the first time... that can give you something that the baby in you, the child in you was stripped of... Geez there is no wonder we are needy - who wouldn't be? But that unfortunately is just US not others around us - yes bm is probably feeling great waves of guilt fall free/be reminded of maybe, the jubilation of been reconciled with their child but not so much an identity crisis. She won't understand yet.


I guess what I'm saying is keep it completely simple and at the heart of the matter - don't give her the choice of hitting bm triggers by playing out adoptees pain - just tell her what you want and see what comes from it. At least that way you will know for sure what she really wants. I hope its the same as you.

As for my story its quite complicated so I will try to be brief. I was fostered from age 2 with my 2 sisters and adopted into the same family 7 years later where I spent all of my childhood. Bm died when I was 12 - murdered by her fiancée who was also her pimp - which we were told of at the time. I always wanted to search but BM death made it hard and had a difficult adolescence on the whole. I started searching for BF in 2005 and wrote to someone I was thought was my granddad (bf dad) - anyway turned out it was but he was on holiday for 2 weeks as his wife had died a few months earlier so birth father's sister (auntie if you are still following me) was opening his mail and got in touch. We have been in touch for 9 years now and initially it was a bit of a nightmare come fantasy dream come true - all the stuff about the highs and lows I really don't know how we got through it but everyone says we are like twins now and the relationship is more natural. I think maybe it worked cos she wasn;t BM therefore hasn't got all the baggage but it was tough regardless - the amount of rows and neurotic tears we had trying to understand each other initially and setting guidelines/boundaries.. we often say it is strange why we kept at it as neither of us are particularly patient but for some reason we persevered and somehow came through the other side.

So I do think Sarah your bm should hear all these things from you - perhaps not yet though and just stick to the point and what you really want - HER in your life. What mother is going to say no to that?

Hope everything works out - got fingers and toes crossed for you.

Becky
rc01
 
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby Turtle » Fri Mar 07, 2014 8:59 am

I agree with a lot of what Sylvie said.

I think you are using words like stalker and brattish, to try and make the situation more light hearted and put some blame on yourself, but in using words like this, I think you lessen your point.

I would personally make it a lot shorter and be careful of making ultimatums or burning any bridges. Even by making the suggestion of those things, could actually make them happen. It forces people's hands.

I would actually ditch the whole part about breaking away. I think you need to give your b.mother a chance to respond, then decide on a way forward.

I think a lot of what you say makes sense. In my opinion, it just needs condensing and as Becky says, you need to express your needs without being seen as needy.

As LA talked about. Letters are permanent things, that can be brought out as evidence and used against you! So they need to be right. Really think about what you want to express and do it in a constructive way, so that it leaves things open for negotiations.
Turtle
 
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Re: Did anyone ever stop contact themselves?

Postby sylvie » Fri Mar 07, 2014 9:48 am

Just one other thing from my point of view - I don't think 'being needy', or needing something from someone else, is necessarily a bad thing.
If my son needed something from me, I would gladly give it if I could.
I think of neediness as being the expression of a vulnerability, and that's okay in my books.

I also think that your b.mother might not realise how important she is to you. So she might not initially understand why you feel this way, or why you feel it so deeply.
Part of the mindset that accompanies adoption (and often leads to it) is the belief that we are of no importance to our children. That thought is impressed deeply, usually starting when we are in a vulnerable place, and it remains there for decades and is often confirmed at every turn in general life.
What this means is that you might have to be very clear about what you need and why you need it. And don't assume that any disappointing response from her is because she doesn't care - she might really need it spelling out as she may not assume she is important to you.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
Posts: 308
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:39 pm

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