Someone help me...

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Someone help me...

Postby Melby » Fri Jul 12, 2013 9:37 pm

Hi there,

My life is a little complicated. I have lived with my adoptive mum for 12 years now and it had always been us but now there is a new addition to the family. She has now adopted a 9 year old girl (well tom-boy). I can't believe I am saying this but I think I am jealous of my new sister! I mean I like her but our adoptive mum favors her and I can't stand it! I don't know whether it is because I am 18 years old and she is still a child but she gives her a lot more attention than me. It's not fair! (Btw as I write this I just want you all to know I am not a spoil brat or anything :) I've tried talking to my mum but she says she treats us both equally which in my eyes is not true!

Unless I feel comfortable, I am not a very confident sociable person but my ambition is to become a primary school teacher. I am being realistic and many people say I will be a great teacher! However, my adoptive mum doesn't think I am ready for uni yet (which I hope to go into September 2014) and she keeps putting my dreams down. Instead of being supportive, she keeps saying "I don't think you are ready" , "you won't be able to do that" , "how will you socialise as you are quiet?" I really wish she would support me and show me she loves me.

Quite a lot my mum and I have fights and that is one of the reason's why I want to move out. If I had the money and a place to go, I would have done it ages ago!

See, I hope people understand what I am putting here and don't think that I am being silly (otherwise don't comment please)

If someone could offer me advice or support would be great thanks.

Thank you. :)
Melby.x
Melby
 
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Re: Someone help me...

Postby ladyarcher » Fri Jul 12, 2013 11:40 pm

Hello Melby, and welcome to the board ........ of course you will find having a new sister difficult, it's perfectly natural that you would, and it's perfectly normal that you will feel jealous.......the good thing is that you are able to recognise that this is what you feel, and are not fooling yourself about it - this shows your maturity ..... and of course it's perfectly logical that your a.mother would spend a lot of time and effort with your sister until she has properly settled in.......

It may be, if you can remember back that far, that in fact your a.mother is giving your sister exactly the same attention that she gave you when you were that age...... children need different types and amounts of attention at different ages.......so what she is giving to your sister aged 9 would not be appropriate to you at aged 18.....so she should not be treating you both the same now,........... she should be treating your 9 year old sister as a nine year old child, and yourself as an 18 year old nearly grown up...........however, I do feel, from your post, that perhaps your a.mother is rather over cautious with you, and is afraid to let you try your wings and fly by yourself....it is very scary for us mothers to 'let go' of our children........we 'beat ourselves up', as the saying goes, and blame ourselves if our child has a hard time.......it must be something we have done wrong, not prepared our child properly for going out into the world.......that sort of thing.......what she is really saying when she says you are not ready to go, is that she is not ready to let you go......she is saying that because you are not sociable, she has failed to give you confidence ....

....in actual fact it is very difficult to give an adopted child confidence, we often tend to feel 'out of it' amongst our friends and peers.......we can be a little 'apart' ....... you do not say where you were for your first six years.....but wherever it was it will have had an effect on you which you would have taken with you when you went to live with your a.mother.......

The best way to make your a.mother more confident about you going to University is to make yourself be calm and try not to get pushed into arguments with her ........ wherever you are, at University and later at work you will have to train yourself how to deal with people who annoy or misunderstand you, and of course to people who are unjust to you, which is one of the most difficult things to deal with .........so count to ten before you snap back, just think to yourself is what you want to say going to make a situation better or worse.......you will always know ....... I don't mean you should let people treat you without respect, but you must train yourself to smooth rough edges in conversations, not make them rougher......this will be very useful when you are teaching.......seeing a situation coming, and turning it aside is a very useful thing to be able to do when dealing with small children.....confrontation is usually pretty ineffective with them ........ I have five children, so believe me, I know what I am talking about........I did Primary Teaching many years ago, and was Housemistress to Secondary School Boarders for five years at the school where my husband was a teacher........ also I have five grandchildren, aged 16, 14, 11, 3 and 2.... and have had the 11 year old and the 3 year old living with me since birth as their parents lived with us and went out to work......

So very good luck with your ambitions, teaching is a good career, very fulfilling, especially when the children come back years later and tell you that something you did, or said, has been an influence in their life........

Keep coming back here for suggestions, and support, you will always get it ..........and feel free to send me a p.m. if you have thoughts or questions that you do not want to put on the open board.......

(((Hugs)))

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1973 - sadly missed b.father who died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked - four years ago finally found full sister who had been adopted separately ....I found out about her when I was 25.....it took me forty years to find her, we are now good friends and laugh a lot together........
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Re: Someone help me...

Postby Turtle » Sat Jul 13, 2013 9:17 am

Hi Melby.

Welcome to the site.

I think there is a lot of change going on in your life. Your mother, after years of it just being the two of you, has adopted another daughter. You are also preparing to go to university, which is a big step for anyone. Plus there are no doubt the various pressures of being 18 (I know at that age, my head was spinning), and also the arguments with your mum. All of these things will no doubt be putting you under a lot of stress. Change can be so hard to deal with.

I have sent you a PM, as there was something I wanted to say off site.

I hope that you find a way to deal with all these changes. We are all stronger than we realise.

Take care and keep coming back on the site to chat. It really helps knowing that there are people out there who have been through similar things and so understand at a different level.
Turtle
 
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Re: Someone help me...

Postby skyebluepink » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:17 pm

Hi Melby

It's tough when we have those feelings of jealousy. But in many ways I think it is entirely normal to feel jealous when you have been 'replaced' in some way. But you have to remember that actually you will never be 'replaced'. You will always be special in your own way to your mum and I'm sure she loves you so much. It's just that at the moment, your new sister is the one needing more attention.

As for your dreams of becoming a teacher, you should definitely go for it. I am a quiet person and people are often shocked when I say I am a teacher, especially secondary. But teachers come in all personalities. My classroom is a calm ordered one, and when I do have (rare) behaviour issues, I implement the strategies I learned on teacher training and that I have picked up over the last 10 years. Whilst some pupils enjoy the crazy outgoing teachers, others thrive in having a quieter, calmer teacher. As for going to university, that could be the very push you need to build up your confidence. I went away to university not knowing a single other person. But within days I felt at home there and the friends I made are ones I will cherish all my life. Again, you will meet crazy outgoing people at university, as well as quieter ones. Think too about your choice of university; I went to St Andrews in Scotland which is very small and intimate, and happens to be one of the most beautiful places in the world! I'm sure I would have been fine in a huge city university, but I deliberately chose a smaller, quieter one. There are plenty of other smaller univeristies - you don't need to go all the way to Scotland! Whilst I'm sure your mum wants the very best for you, there is perhaps also an element of her not wanting to let you go... which reinforces the theory that you are precious to her.
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
skyebluepink
 
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Re: Someone help me...

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Apr 14, 2014 12:50 pm

Hello again Melby....

..it is now eight months since you told us about your thoughts and your new sister......I am wondering how things have gone over the days and weeks..... have you and your a.mother settled into a happy routine.....has she managed to let you be a bit more of a grown up, has your new little sister managed to settle in to her new life.....very scary for a nine year old ......may be you remember what it was like when you had to have a new life, although you were only six and it is sometimes difficult to remember when one was little.......but inside us we can usually have the same feelings of wondering what was going on, and why we were now somewhere else......then odd things happen that make us feel that feeling again, of being out of control and not knowing what was going on....

...anyway, I was just re-reading some old posts from people who had just been here on the site for a short time, and then disappeared again.....I hope that you have disappeared because your life has settled nicely and you do not need us......but remember we are always here when you do need us.....

LA
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