Death of birth mother

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Death of birth mother

Postby JJ » Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:07 am

Hi - I haven't posted for a long time as I have been seriously ill and in hospital for months.
I was recovering and then discovered that my husband had been having an affair.
We are now divorcing and I'm moving out next week.
It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I hadn't heard form my birth mother, who always sends a card.
I googled her name, and found an announcement of her death by her daughter.
Her funeral was two days ago.
None of her family know I exist.

I am heartbroken for us all.
JJ
 
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby sylvie » Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:18 am

I cannot tell you how sorry I am.
I am thinking of you.

x
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby Josie » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:13 am

Oh God.
Gutted for you....please, keep in touch here if you want a wee chat or just to have a bit of sisterly love sent through the airwaves.

We all share a heart for you.
And you've been missed.

Love J.
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby Lowrider Lincoln » Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:49 am

JJ

Please accept my condolencesfor loosing your Birth Mother.

Your anguish must be immeasurable. Not being known about, so therefore not being told of you loss is bound to feel devastating. Just when you need support from your family, the one person you would of grieved with is no longer there for you.

Sorry if that sounds like I'm deliberately trying to state the obvious, I'm not. Just want to let you know I can understand how you may be feeling.

So sorry for you.
Please take care XXX
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby Turtle » Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:56 am

So sorry JJ, to hear that you have been through such a devastating time. I am sure you feel very lonely and in tremendous pain at the moment. I know it is not the same, but remember there are always people on here that you can chat to.

Take care.
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby JJ » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:16 am

Thank you so much Sylvie and Josie (hi Josie! ((hugs)) )and Lowrider Lincoln (great name! British bike or Harley?) and Turtle, and thank you so much for your kind responses.

Yes, I am devastated, but so thankful that I got to meet her, and have kept in touch with her for the last 4 years. Without her I would not have met my birth cousin or had the fantastic online relationship with my birth father.

Of course, mixed emotions are beginning to surface - mainly that I hope she died peacefully, wasn't ill, didn't end it herself... she was so thrilled when we met, but realised that she couldn't tell any of her family. Her husband died just over a year ago, and the last time I spoke to her she said she was finding it hard to carry on. She was only 74 and in perfect health last time we spoke.

Did meeting me stir up all her emotions? Undoubtedly, but did her feelings of guilt come to the fore? - guilt was her default setting, (it's mine too as it goes...)

And there is the question of her children, my half brothers and sister - now is NOT the time to contact them I know, but they will no doubt find my mother's box of photos and information about me - perhaps they, too, will start on this journey of tracing....

I just want to reach out to all three of them, my little brothers and sister, but I know I can't - it would be too insensitive.

No sleep last night - I kept waking up crying. Fortunately I am working a lot today and busy with my house moving which will keep me from dwelling too much.

This whole adoption thing. What a mess. Hugs to you all xxx
JJ
 
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Mar 25, 2013 10:12 pm

So sorry for you JJ ........you have all the most stressful life experiences in one bunch here........ divorce, house move, and the loss of a loved one.......add to that the fact that you have just been seriously ill, your physical and mental strength levels will be very depleted.......difficult to do, with all the conflicting emotions you will have, and practical tasks that you will have to do, but you must try to be seriously selfish to others and be very kind to yourself .....

... you say that guilt is your default setting, and this means that guilt will stop you caring for yourself.......you will feel that you must not spend time perhaps soaking in the bath with a rubbish book and a gin.........you must not spend time just sitting.......time perhaps listening to music,...... or looking at a view,....... or being somewhere quiet,....... or going somewhere where you cannot be heard and just screaming or crying.............you will not indulge yourself doing any of these things, because to spend 'time' on yourself is 'bad' when there is so much to do, and on a deeper level, we often feel that we do not deserve to indulge ourselves.......guilt is a very destructive emotion........if one has done something wrong, and feels remorse, that is fine, that is how it should be, and one can do one's best to set it right......but guilt that has no proper cause is destructive, it blocks the mental paths that we need to follow in order to get through tough times.....

it is particularly sad that you are having a divorce on top of the illness......serious illness is very scaring and often will leave you with panic attacks even long after whatever it was has been recovered from.......the support of a loving husband is so valuable in getting through such panics, and I really feel for you not having this sort of support at this time......it can take months to recover from the shock of one's body letting one down, it is a form of post traumatic stress, .....you must allow yourself to 'close down' from time to time........and you must explain to whoever you have close to you now....friends/children/work colleague .....whoever........that the post illness shock is rather like severe pain, in that you have to close down in order to fight it.......and that this withdrawal is not to be taken offence at.......it is just that you have to focus and channel your strength for a while.......it might be for a few minutes during a conversation, it might be an hour or so, or even half a day or more........but the closing down is necessary, and is part of healing.......you are up and about, and back at work, so people will think you are all fine and hunky dory again........but there are parts of one that cannot be seen, or talked to, and these need to heal as well........

As all the others have said.....lots of (((hugs))) and keep coming back here, to rant, or to ask for support.....you will always find 'ears' which can hear what you are not saying.......

LA



...
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby julie2009 » Wed Mar 27, 2013 10:36 am

Hi JJ

I really feel for you in all this for what you have had to deal with lately with being ill and being in hospital. I hope you have made a full recovery and now the news of the death of your BM. When I first started my research I found out by a lady in a local newspaper column that my BM had died too but at a young age.
I would have been around 15 when she died.

Life is so horrible sometimes and I hope you have someone there to lean on for support and to talk things through with.

I hope you have somewhere nice to stay next week to try and get your head round recent events in your life.

Thinking of you in all this and sending some hugs your way.

Julie xx
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby Josie » Mon Apr 01, 2013 1:17 pm

Hi JJ,
In case you drop in here - been thinking of you,
Love
Josie. XX
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby JJ » Sun Dec 06, 2015 10:23 pm

Funny old life.... just a quick update. First, thank you so much for your caring concern. It means a lot.

To set the scene: I traced and met my birth mother whilst a member of this forum in 2008. She pointed me vaguely in the direction of my birth father, with whom I made contact having been helped by a fantastically kind and supportive member of this forum. The route to my birth father (Australia, then USA) was via his first cousin (Scotland, then England) and he and I have met on numerous occasions, and continue to keep in touch. He visited me in the hospital during 'the dark days'.

My birth father and I had developed a really lovely email relationship; he had two sons, and had never told them nor his wife about me because, he says, he was not aware of my existence. He had been engaged to my birth mother, but they had split up and gone their separate ways, at her insistence.

My birth mother had three children, two boys and a girl. The oldest boy was born with severe mental and physical disablilities and she blamed herself for this. She had never told her husband about her first child.

Well, as I mentioned, I discovered online that she had died. I had several long chats with my birth father's cousin - who remembers my birth mother and also remembers the sadness caused to my birth father when they split up. He persuaded me to contact her children which I did. They were initially stunned - of course they had no idea; but were so accepting and they refer to me as their big sister... I even went and stayed with my brother and his wife a few weeks ago; they have lived in 'our' mother's house since her death... They told me all about her death and the causes of it, and say that they just wish she had been able to talk to them about me, instead of feeling guilty all her life.

They found a fabulous photograph of her and my birth father at our mother's 20th birthday party a year before I was born.

I mentioned all of this to my birth father who was delighted that I had made contact with her family. A while after that he emailed to say that he hoped I would never contact his children, even after his death. When I mentioned this to my father's cousin, he said that it was academic, as he has already decided to tell his nephew's about me. Well, that's up to him. I hope it's doesn't cause too much distress...

During my long illness my birth father was extremely concerned - he even phoned my husband and my adoptive brother... He was keen for ongoing updates and was thrilled when I finally came out of hospital. He was supportive throughout my divorce which was horrible, and has been equally interested in other events such as my becoming a grandmother - and him a great grandfather!!

And now? Well.... the last time I heard from him was just before Christmas last year. He just completely stopped all contact. His cousin keeps me up to date, so I know that he is alive and well, but he can't say anything to him as I'm supposed to be a secret. I know that his wife died in the summer (of the same cancer that I had, coincidentally) and his cousin says that, in time, he hopes that my father may feel brave enough, and recovered enough, to resume contact.

And that's about it. I daren't even think about how I feel about it all. There is too much other turmoil going on atm.

Hugs to anyone who remembers me! I haven't looked at any of the posts - I just suddenly decided to visit the forum this evening...

Wishing you all a lovely Christmas... xx
JJ
 
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Dec 21, 2015 9:21 pm

Hello JJ, and welcome back ....... sorry to miss your post on 6th... I don't get on here anything like as often as I used to do ....... usual excuses, busy family life and grandchildren minding ....

With regard to your b.father ....... I would not read too much into his lack of contact at the moment...... I would put it down to the trauma of losing his wife ....... I have three friends who have recently lost their husbands....... one two and a half years ago, one just over a year ago, and one, just this year in May...... they are all at different stages of grief, and it ebbs and flows greatly they tell me....... they also say that until it happened to them, they had absolutely no idea of the impact....... one can imagine, and try to put oneself into the shoes of someone who has lost their life partner, but until it happens you have no idea, and the imagining is not anything like the actual event.... and living with it after.......

So I would guess that your b.father is not in a good mental state, nor likely to be for a long time.......he will probably be avoiding you because he will feel guilt at not having told his wife, or his children........ he may also feel that now she is dead she will know about you ....... we humans are very odd in our thought patterns, and even folks who claim to have no religious feelings, will still think that someone who has 'gone' will now know all thoughts and all events like God does ............this is often why folks will go on doing things exactly as they did as a couple......., even watching programmes that they hated but their husband or wife watched ...... partly a way of keeping the lost partner near...... and partly a form of loyalty ...... my friend who lost her husband in May, is still hiding her computer very securely ....... she does this because several years ago they had a break in, and the computer was one of the things stolen........ her husband was totally freaked out by this, and when they got a new one on the insurance he insisted on hiding it all the time, in case the thieves came back and took that one too........ it is a great nuisance, because it is an effort to get it out and set it up, so my friend doesn't do it often, which means she doesn't get e mails for ages........ I said to her recently, that she didn't have to hide it now...... but she said her husband wouldn't like it if she left it out on the table or desk etc...... illogical..... but that is how she feels.....

So ..... it is likely that your b.father is well off balance at the moment, and likely to remain so for quite a while, if not for always ..... and I think that men find it even more difficult than women to carry on once they lose their spouse, because women tend to have a network of friends..... and men often don't, especially once they have retired and don't get the contact at work that they had.....

LA
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby cleo » Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 am

Hi JJ,

I know i am abit late in sending my condolences to you, i am so sorry to read about your birthdad, its not an easy thing and nothing can ever explain the actions of other people, we all react differently as i have found out in the past, we think everything is going fine, then all of a sudden.......nothing.....and this too for me is so hard to understand.

I cannot advise you on what to do but like many here who have always helped me, to try and understand in some way the what and why's, you finally have to continue your life, its not easy after all the turmoil, even after 4 years i am still finding it hard to come to terms with my sons decision that he doe's not want me in his life or his 2 sons life.

There is not a simple switch with ON/OFF for our emotional state, i wish there was, but your pain will ease with time, it will never go away, it will always be lying deep down inside of you.

Like others on here have often said to me...take care of yourself
cleo
 
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby JJ » Sun Dec 27, 2015 10:43 pm

Hi LA and Cleo and thank you for your responses! It's comforting to know that some of the old gang are still around :)

LA, you are so right - a wise head you have. I think, though, that in my birth father's case, it's ultimately cowardice that's dictating his actions, or lack of actions. He was terrified that he'd be found out... He married a Spanish woman; a devout Catholic, and he became a Catholic at her bequest. He told her that she was his first true love; she believed that she was his first lover. This is the reason he gave me for not telling his family about me. I had asked him if we could ever meet one day, and he declined; he said that the reality of his *truth massaging* suddenly appearing on his doorstep wouldn't be very easy to explain. Still, it saved me a fortune in airfares - he's in the USA and I'm in the UK. :roll:

Cleo - I don't know how you cope with what happened - what a very sad situation. My heart goes out to you. My second grandson was born just before Christmas and I just can't imagine the pain of not being able to see them - I am so sorry and hope that one day your son will be able to rethink his decision...
JJ
 
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Dec 28, 2015 2:10 am

Probably cowardice as you say, as well as guilt.......but I think that guilt is a form of cowardice maybe....... because so long as you don't face up to and admit guilt, you stay guilty....... and of course you don't face up to it because you are afraid of the consequence ..... i.e. a coward ..... and your father has done a very big fib in pretending he had been 'pure' until he got married ...

.. also, if he had truly converted...... not just 'on paper'.... then he would be scared of hell and purgatory, and he would have been in a position where he would have been constantly having to go to 'Confession'....... I think you are supposed to go weekly if you are devout......so he will have been either lying to a priest, therefore risking damnation if he had become a true believer......... or confessing, and having to keep expiating his sin......either way, he would always have been in fear of his wife finding out......... and now, of course, he will still be in fear...... because his children will have grown up seeing him as a devout person, and possibly they are also practising Catholics........ so he risks them seeing him as a totally different person to what they thought ....'. Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive..' as the saying goes ........ he is, of course, stuck with it now ...... and that means you are too ......

LA
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Re: Death of birth mother

Postby cleo » Wed Dec 30, 2015 10:24 pm

Hello JJ,

To be honest i do not know how i cope either, but there is nothing i can do to change my sons decision, my grandson turn't 5 in november, i have only seen him once when i first met my son 4 years ago, and his 2nd son i do not know at all, i have only seen 2 photos that were posted on one of his social sites, i do not even know his name.

As time goe's by i do not think my son will ever get back in contact with me, if you read my other posts you will know that apparently my son has a heart of stone (his girlfriends words when i first met her)....so i would be utterly surprised if i did hear from him ever again.

I am hurt when it birthday time and of course christmas, i just wish i could be a little part of their lives, like LA said, to throw me a bone in some way, its not much to ask. I i sit and wonder some days but at the end i always come to the same conclusion...nothing will change unless my son changes his feelings towards me........

How are you coping?
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