Wondering if I should just give up now......

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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby matt66 » Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:25 pm

Hi Sarah

I know it's hard but try to keep positive.....until you get a "No" there's still some hope.

Why not try Sarah's coffee shop idea and if nothing comes of that then you can still "Knock on the door".

Either option is really scary but for your own peace of mind you need to know one way or another, the way things are now must be driving you crackers.

I really hope things work out for you.

Take Care and let us know how it all goes.

Matt
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:42 pm

I think the coffee shop idea is a good one, the only thing against it is how would you know if the letter had been received and read......I am sure that you would sit there trying to convince yourself that 'maybe she was away and had not got the letter' ......... have the other letters been sent Registered and to be signed for.....
..... another way that used to work to make sure a letter got there, was to send it without the stamp.......then the postman would be bound to knock and get the money........ don't know if they still do that, I think so, as a few months ago my husband had to pay for an envelope that was actually full of estate agent details and he was not impressed as we have not sold our house yet, so he thinks it useless looking at details........

I would still go for the 'knock on the door' myself........ if your b.mother is sort of scared of you, and of what you might say to her, then if you are actually standing there and not looking like you have horns and a forked stick, just an ordinary un-threatening person who would like to know her a bit, then she might be willing to talk for a few minutes.........we humans are more scared of the unknown than what we can see......let her see you, it might work.

LA
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Fri Feb 03, 2012 12:34 pm

Thanks everyone for your positive replies
My life seems to be full of other stuff at the moment so I'm not sure I've got the mental energy to do anything else at the moment. Maybe I will just leave things for a couple of months and see how I feel.
Take care everyone

Sarah x
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby julie2009 » Tue Feb 07, 2012 11:40 am

Hi SarahC just saw your message. I am so sorry that neither of them has replied to your letters.

Did you say at one point you sent some of the letters or were they all sent from your social worker (sorry I can't remember).
As HL has said it may prove useful to ask if they would let you know one way or the other if either of them does wish to make contact with you a simple yes or no would suffice and then you will know where you stand in all this.

The other thing is are you sure you have the right addresses as people can move to different towns or countries even etc. It was me who discovered my own BM had died the social worker didn't even know and she was supposed to be finding information out for me. Sometimes you are better doing some research on your own.
But if you just want to leave it for now and give yourself some breathing space Sarah and then see how you feel in a few weeks time.

Let us know how you get on.

Take care

Julie xx
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Fri Apr 13, 2012 11:35 am

Hi Everyone
I've had a break from the Forum for a couple of months - needed to clear my head of adoption & reunion stuff!

Anyway, on a long journey from Chester to Devon last week my husband casually asked me if I'd had any more thoughts about contacting my BM and Bd's brother.....
So that got me thinking again....what to do as I've still had no response.

So a couple of days ago I sent my BM a text message. I tried to explain (again!) that I didn't want to upset her and that if she didn't want contact then I would respect her decision. I also said that I felt she owed it to me to at least acknowledge that I was trying to make contact with her. But of course I have had no response :(

I don't even know if she has changed her mobile number - I know it was correct last August when my husband phoned her.

So what do I do now - I don't want to appear threatening in any way but I need her to know that until she tells me to "go away" that I am not going to give up. It is so upsetting and hurtful that she has not even acknowledged me at all - even if it were to be in a negative way. As usual, I'm not really sure what to do next.............
Watching Long Lost Families last night was probably a mistake - I only hope that she was watching it too....
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby julie2009 » Fri Apr 13, 2012 12:16 pm

Hi SarahC. I imagine that programme last night will make a lot of people think long and hard about their decisions and hopefully your own BM was watching it and will maybe get in touch. I sent my BM sister a detailed letter today just and explained that I didn't want to stir up any old feelings and the past but that I needed some answers. I actually lay in bed last night trying to compose my letter - how sad is that and then sat down in work this morning and typed the letter out.

I think Sarah you should send her a letter personally yourself without the aid of a social worker. Don't get me wrong some social workers do a fantastic job but sometimes a letter from the person themselves can make a person see the situation in a different light and even send it by recorded delivery so that you will know whether or not it was signed for.

You also said you haven't heard from your BF brother. I used to email my BF son regularly but the emails just stopped suddenly.
I started to think had I said something to offend him but I don't think I did. We can't be responsible for how people feel Sarah.
Could it be your BM is still trying to get her head around things but I can't understand why she just can't acknowledge you and give you the answers you have been searching for.

We live in hope don't we.

Take care and thinking about you.

Julie xx
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Fri Apr 13, 2012 4:17 pm

Hi Julie
Thanks for your reply :)
I have written to my BM 3 times personally and the social worker wrote twice. It has been almost a year since I sent my first letter and she has not responded to any of them. It's so hard to know what to do when you get absolutely nothing back :(
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:43 pm

So I've sent my BM two separate text messages, 1 week apart so as not to appear to be "hassling" her. Again, I asked her to acknowledge that I was trying to make contact with her and that if she didn't want contact she could just let me know and I would respect her decision. The 2nd message was just asking her to respond and acknowledge me.

No response to either message. I did get a delivery report to say that the messages were received so the phone number is still active. Of course I don't know if it still belongs to her. I did use her first name though so I'm hoping if the number is no longer hers the person may have responded to let me know. I know that the number was hers in August last year as she hung up on my husband when he phoned.

I am starting to run out of patience and sympathy. It just seems downright rude to not even acknowledge my existence Surely I have a right to know something about my history? I didn't ask to be born after all.....aargggggggh sorry just feeling angry and frustrated and need to sound off!!!

There doesn't seem any point in me phoning the number as I'm pretty sure she will just hang up when I say who I am. She's beginning to leave me very little option but to knock on her door....but as she lives 180 miles away, this will be quite an ordeal. I want to tell her that this is what I will do if she doesn't respond but I don't want to sound threatening. On the other hand, I'm totally fed up of pussy-footing around and trying to be considerate of her feelings when she clearly couldn't care less how I am feeling.

Oh sometimes it helps to get things off your chest..............

Sarah
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby julie2009 » Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:57 pm

Hi Sarah - sorry to hear about how your BM is treating you. Did you ever send her a letter Sarah (I can't remember if you said you did before). Do you think it may be worth a chance to give that number a ring while disguising your own phone no. just in case she recognises your number and refuses to answer it. You are totally right about it being rude not to even acknowledge the fact that you sent a message and also the fact you didn't ask to be born. I think a lot of adoptees who are experiencing problems making contact will agree with you on that one.

My own BM sister lives some distance away too along with my BF so it wouldn't be convenient for me to call and see them either.

I hope you start to feel better Sarah and again if she doesn't want to make contact she should have the decency to let you know without giving you no hope at all. As you said it does help to get things off your chest.

Let me know what you decide - thinking of you in all this.

Julie xx
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby carolina » Fri Apr 20, 2012 10:54 am

Hi Sarah

No, as you know, I don't understand why it has to be so difficult either. Your bm must have realised by know that you are not going to disappear - a year is a long time for her to be on tenterhooks wondering if letters or texts are going to arrive. An early reply would have been simpler. My bm did that - and I suppose assumed control by not acknowledging me and never replying again.

I was really hoping that the texts would work for you - a different, more informal approach.

I also have days when the frustration eats away. It stems from the fact that I feel I have acted properly and trodden carefully. (I suppose it's possible that I am mistaken in the last point - as someone else may have seen one of my letters arrive). I can only guess that I must be the biggest secret ever - perhaps you are too. I also feel a little bit "exposed" in that I have written to introduce myself in the hope that bm would share something of herself.

I still cannot decide where to go next - perhaps contacting a cousin to find out if she knows of my existence; I believe she has a right to know, independently of bm. At the moment, I also have quite a journey to "turn up on the doorstep" - but am becoming reconciled to just handing over a bunch of flowers, getting a glimpse of the person and then walking away. Anything more would be a bonus.

Do you feel you are getting closer to just turning up?

Take care
Cxx
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:40 am

Hi Julie & Carolina
Thanks for your replies. Still no response from my BM - I even sent her a text just before Long Lost Family saying "I hope you're watching this"!!.

I am definitely getting closer to knocking on the door. My husband even said last night that he wishes he could go round and knock on the door - it's just so rude to not even respond. I really must be the "dirty little secret" that was implied in my adoption records :(

I'm thinking of sending another text to explain that she is leaving me no other options but to knock on her door - surely she would rather respond to a letter / text than have me turn up on her doorstep when anyone could be in the house????

I'm also fed up of making excuses for her.......
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby TRACEY1969 » Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:36 am

Hi Sarah
Sorry you are not getting the response you so need.
I agree with Julie that you should try ringing your bm and withhold your number. If she hangs up on your then send her a text straight after to say that she is leaving you no option to knock on her door if she wont acknowledge you. Even if she tells you she needs a little more time would be something!

Good luck with whatever you decide. We are all here for you

Tracey x
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby skyebluepink » Sat Apr 21, 2012 1:41 pm

Hi Sarah

Just been reading through your recent posts and I can really feel what you're going through. I suppose I'm lucky that I have met my bm and bf though the fact that they're now refusing to have any contact with me feels even more painful and like a second rejection. It really is so painful and does consume your thoughts doesn't it. I saw a counsellor last week and she is going to write my bm a letter to ask if she is willing to receive a letter from me. So until then I know I must just sit and wait. But I feel myself like going to her house, or phoning, and now I just want to go and contact all her family- her biggest fear- partly as a "that will teach you to ignore me" thing but also as a way to know my blood relatives and as a way to know her through them. I know that if I do that, there will be little going back. She probably won't ever speak to me again. But, and this is the point I'm coming to with your situation, I ask myself what I have to lose. She doesn't speak to me now anyway, so perhaps I have nothing to lose. I still think the idea of saying you will be in a certain time on a certain day is a good one. Her curiosity may just get the better of her. You could also say to her that if she doesn't turn up then you feel like you have no other choice than to turn up at her house. It seems to me quite likely that her actions are of pure fear. Perhaps she hasn't told a single soul in her current life about you and is so terrified of them finding out. If that's the case you might not get a good response on the doorstep. But if you make her believe that the only other option is to come along and meet you in private somewhere else, she might just do it. I know it has an element of blackmail to it. But I really don't believe she is being fair to you either. The situation you're in is just horrible.
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby ladyarcher » Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:25 pm

So sorry that you are still getting nowhere SarahC ......... I suppose that there is no chance that your messages are not getting to your b.mother, that is why I feel that a direct face to face approach is the only real way to get an accurate answer........

With regard to the 'dirty secret' attitude that you refer to........actually the 'secret' dirty or not, is your b.mother's secret, not yours........ if her feeling or how she was made to feel at the time, or how she was perhaps brought up to feel,....... is that a sexual act, and particularly the sexual act which resulted in your conception is a 'dirty' or shameful act......then it is possible that she may never change this view........perhaps she was brought up in a severely religious way, and was made to feel that sex was 'not nice'......... not 'done' and not 'talked about' ........ and being pregnant just shouted to everyone that she had 'done it' as it used to be referred to.........if she had been brought up in a 'shame' atmosphere, then it would actually be very difficult for her to acknowledge that the result of her 'shame' was a living breathing adult, who wanted to know her, and also wanted answers........

As your husband is helpful and supportive and can obviously see how upset this is making you, and he has already done one 'phone' attempt - I can't remember what response he got at the time, if any - but as he is so good I feel that if anyone is going to 'doorstep' your b.mother it should perhaps be him.......he is not emotionally involved in the same way as you are, and would be less likely to burst into tears or chicken out and run away........it seems to me that he would be a good person to 'fight your corner', and it may be that she would be less likely to let herself down when faced by him than when faced by you...most people do behave in a civilized way when they meet a stranger ..............I know it is a long trip, and of course you have no guarantee that she would be at home at that moment, but it seems to me that this may be the way to go.......
...just a thought......

LA
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Mon Apr 23, 2012 7:31 pm

So today I have asked a friend of mine to phone my BM and see if she can get anywhere.
She will hopefully phone her in the next couple of days but I don't really want to know when she does it otherwise it will drive me mad...fingers crossed she can get a response - any response other than hanging up would do at the moment!
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