Wondering if I should just give up now......

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Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Fri Jan 27, 2012 3:53 pm

Hi
I haven't been on the forum for a while - to be honest I've been trying not to think about adoption matters to much over the last couple of months.

Anyway, I still haven't heard from my bm. This is despite hand delivering a letter through her door on January 28th. I know she was in as her car, with personalised number plate, was sitting on the driveway.

I have also had no contact from my bf's brother. He originally responded to my sw's letter by phone and gave her his phone number saying he was happy to hear from me, although he knew nothing of my existence. I couldn't bring myself to phone so instead wrote a letter. I didn't get a response so my sw sent another letter on 3rd January. He still hasn't responded.

So my question is really do you think I should call it a day? I can't keep waiting for the post everyday and getting nothing :(

Just having a down day I guess as I had an email from my sw saying she doesn't feel she can do anything else at this time.

Sarah
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby ak3 » Fri Jan 27, 2012 5:18 pm

im no expert in these matters but everything was done by a social worker for me,they made contact etc etc.so im assuming you didnt go through these channels? maybe get in touch with social services and they would contact your bm,im sure she would have to tell them if she wanted contact or not,at least that way you would know one way or the other,but chin up i wouldnt give up yet.
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:32 pm

Hi
My social worker has written to both parties and had no response - twice!
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby Highland Lassie1 » Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:11 pm

That's disappointing that you haven't heard from your bm or bf's brother. However, don't give up just yet!

I would write to both parties again, do they have your address to send letter back to?

HL x
Adopted at 8wks, now 41. Made contact with BM June 2010, met one sister on Saturday 28th Aug 2010, met BM on 20th October 2010, met other sister on December 2010. Now trying to establish contact with BF.
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:16 pm

Hi HL
Both my bm and my bf's brother have my address, email and phone number. I have written to my BM 4 times - no response. My SW wrote to her twice.
I wrote to my b. uncle after his initial positive response to the SW's letter and got no response so the SW wrote again on my behalf. No response.

Their silence is clearly telling me something.

I have phone numbers for both of them but can't believe that phoning will have a better outcome :(
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby Highland Lassie1 » Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:34 pm

Sarah, I'm so so sorry that they haven't had the courtesty to respond to any of the letters, particularly from your bf's father after his initial response?. If they would just let you know one way or the other then you could move forward with your life without being left in limbo. Have you stated in any of your letters words to the effect of saying "let me know one way or the other..." ie. "should you wish for no further contact from me then I won't bother you again"...?

HL x
Adopted at 8wks, now 41. Made contact with BM June 2010, met one sister on Saturday 28th Aug 2010, met BM on 20th October 2010, met other sister on December 2010. Now trying to establish contact with BF.
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby g » Fri Jan 27, 2012 8:47 pm

Hello Sarah,
know exactly how you feel about not responding . We're all different but I would'nt give up .
I recall an earlier post with you commenting on the sw and 'chocolate and fireguard' mentioned. I would
leave that option out and do things for yourself. People have advised me to do ' the knock on the door'
but have not contemplated that .........yet.
I have put sae in my letters (which have'nt worked) but it's worth a try.
It does demoralise you .
Take care,
Graham.
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Sat Jan 28, 2012 9:28 am

Thanks HL and graham

I will maybe try the SAE idea and see if that elicits a response. Just a bit down about it all really - not sure why I'm putting myself through it now.

Maybe some more time to think about it is needed

Sarah
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby ak3 » Sat Jan 28, 2012 5:42 pm

g wrote:Hello Sarah,
know exactly how you feel about not responding . We're all different but I would'nt give up .
I recall an earlier post with you commenting on the sw and 'chocolate and fireguard' mentioned. I would
leave that option out and do things for yourself. People have advised me to do ' the knock on the door'
but have not contemplated that .........yet.
I have put sae in my letters (which have'nt worked) but it's worth a try.
It does demoralise you .
Take care,
Graham.


so you saying that my advice was crap? just trying to help out,i'll shut my mouth from now on.
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:44 pm

Hi ak3
ALL advice and ideas are gratefully received - I am absolutely sure Graham was not suggesting your advice was crap.
Unfortunately my SW has tried and has now said she cannot offer any further assistance with regards to contact so I'm a bit stuck :(
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby ladyarcher » Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:54 pm

Aka, your advice was not crap at all......... it's just that some people are too timid to do the 'door knock' thing, or to phone.......it's sad, but true that many people try to go through an intermediary....... personally I would never do this, nor have I done it...... I approached my b.mother personally in the street, having made sure that she was alone herself, but in a crowded area, so she would not feel threatened in any way, and so she would not have to explain me to anyone that she was with. I did not use an intermediary, or go through social services as I felt that if she knew that a stranger, particularly a sort of 'do good' stranger knew all her private life it might put her off, or frighten her away..........and in her case I happened to be right, she was terrified of authority of any kind and lived in awe of 'high up' people such as teachers, doctors, vicars, solicitors, etc. and would never have responded to anyone like that......so maybe having already used a social worker to make an approach SarahC is not being contacted because her b.mother was not comfortable with being contacted by strangers in the first instance............if I were Sarah C, I would make direct contact,....

...Sarah, you know where your b.mother is, so just go and try, you have nothing to lose, because at the moment you have nothing.

LA
born 1944 -adopted 1946 - found birth mother in 1973...........
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby g » Sat Jan 28, 2012 8:02 pm

ak3- My views were purely my own and nothing to do with what you posted . As for the sw involvement
I referring to an older post by Sarah herself some time ago and quoted 'chocolate and fireguard' . That
is why I put the 'quote' in and you really should read my post properly .
I think an apology is in order here as you have jumped to conclusions without reading my post.
Before making assumptions you really should get your facts right.
As for myself I try to support people on here as you will see by my posts.

Just for the record ak3 the post I referred to was made on Sept. 12th , 2011 by Sarah.
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby SarahC » Sat Jan 28, 2012 10:09 pm

...Sarah, you know where your b.mother is, so just go and try, you have nothing to lose, because at the moment you have nothing.


Lady Archer - you are right! I guess at the moment it feels like there is still a tiny glimmer (very very tiny) of hope - if I confront my bm and she shuts the door in my face, then that hope is gone.....but i think that is the route I will take eventually
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby sarah 1971 » Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:00 am

HI Sarah,

I have not been on here for some time so apologies to all for that, I know this forum is wonderful for help and advice and so I will try and read as many posts as possible to catch up.

Anyway, I am sorry Sarah to hear that you're getting no response, I know how I feel about my bf not responding to my letters, even though I know for a fact that he received them. Its very hard to put it to one side and move on. I would find it harder if it were my bm not contacting me rather than my bf. Whether my advice is right or wrong I would do one of 2 options. I would either hand deliver another letter saying I would like contact, I would write the usual about not wanting to cause problems, no blame etc but I would also say a date and time where I would be in a local coffee shop or pub etc and ask if she would like to meet me or I would try and knock on her door. I would have to take someone with me to do that as it would be the scariest thing in the world.

Whether that works or not I couldn't say and I know sw would always advise a different approach but I know I could not leave it without trying even if it is for the last time.

Good luck whatever you decide, I know this is not easy and your mind must be swirling and in overdrive.
Thinking of you and wish you lots of luck.

Sarah xxx
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Re: Wondering if I should just give up now......

Postby carolina » Mon Jan 30, 2012 12:01 pm

Hi Sarah - I have been thinking about you and wondering - and had noticed that you had not posted for a while.

I think I understand about not making face-to-face contact as it is "the end" if things don't go well. In one sense it is comforting that hope remains. It is hard to have to accept the minimum - just a brief glimpse of someone rather than a relationship - yet another sense of loss!

Some days I feel patient and determined to keep writing at regular intervals - and until I am told to stop. At other times it feels like a slow form of torture as the unknowns and maybes are still there and with no likely resolution. These feelings cycle round. You do have both the phone call and face-to-face options still available as time has passed since your partner rang on your behalf. Your voice may have a different effect but I know it is a big step to take. The coffee shop idea (from Sarah1971) sounds good - as it still leaves you with the option of knocking on the door or ringing and avoids the direct challenge for a little longer. It's given me food for thought too.

Just hoping for you.
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