What to do?

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What to do?

Postby Donotunderstand » Fri Jul 04, 2014 9:05 am

We're having our 3rd get together of the siblings on Sunday. Our daughter has very little contact with them although I think the boys keep in text touch between themselves and the older girls are in contact. The oldest boy wants to bring his fiancee. Other adoptive mum is ok with this and apparently her boys also want to meet the girl. The oldest girl (not adopted) is adamant it should be siblings only and we tend to agree with her. It seems that the boys have agreed that ti will happen and the older boy (not adopted) phoned to tell me that they will ask why if she does not come.

I'm caught in the middle - what to do?
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: What to do?

Postby Turtle » Fri Jul 04, 2014 9:47 am

Firstly, I think you are allowed to have your own opinion and shouldn't feel pressured to fall in with everyone else.

My view is, that these meetings happen so rarely, that it is nice for the children to have that time together on their own. The fiancee can socialise with the boy's side of the family anytime she wants, but this is really the siblings time together. After all, you have only had three meetings, it is not as if you are getting together every week.

I see no problem in you voicing your thoughts on the matter.

What does your daughter feel about this? My gut feeling is that she would want to spend some quality time just with her siblings.
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Re: What to do?

Postby Donotunderstand » Sat Jul 05, 2014 4:01 pm

Thanks Turtle. Its been taken out of my hands - oldest sister has put her foot down and told her brother in no uncertain terms that he will not be bringing his fiancee! I agree with you Turtle that it should be siblings only and I would have told my nephew that. We haven't told our daughter because she is so looking forward to it and I didn't want to cloud her enjoyment.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
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Re: What to do?

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Jul 05, 2014 9:17 pm

Always difficult to decide at what point someone 'becomes family', and you can see the lad's point in wanting his fiancé to feel accepted.......but under the circumstances I would agree that it should be 'just siblings'........as Turtle says, the meetings are so few and so far apart, that any bonding should not be distracted by the addition of a person who is not part of the mix at this point............if they are still engaged by the time the next meet occurs then perhaps it would be right to include her.......and of course if there is a wedding, then all the siblings should be included.......

It must be a relief that the final word has not had to come from you,......... yet one of the older siblings also has the maturity to feel the same way as you do......

LA70
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Re: What to do?

Postby Donotunderstand » Mon Jul 07, 2014 12:40 pm

We had a lovely afternoon and during it I felt quite strongly that introducing the fiancee would have impacted quite badly on the dynamics. My nephew didn't have to worry about ensuring she was included and could relax and enjoy being with his siblings. She is quite controlling and on the last two big family events (our older childrens weddings) she felt that she was not getting enough attention so flounced off expecting him to follow, Would have been awful if she did this yesterday.

There was some backlash from her family afterwards who thought it was "disgusting" that she wasn't invited but they obviously have no concept of what's involved with regards to contact in adoption so we will not let that upset us.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: What to do?

Postby Turtle » Tue Jul 08, 2014 3:11 pm

Glad the meeting went well. I still think it was the right decision. This isn't just an everyday family get-together. This is an important bonding process for the children and they need to be the centre of things, without other people taking over.
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Re: What to do?

Postby ladyarcher70 » Wed Jul 09, 2014 3:31 pm

So glad it went well Donot........flouncing off.........hmph.......why do people have to behave like three year olds.......in fact, most three year olds behave better actually, as they have not at that age got an inflated idea of their own importance .........as Turtle says, it was not an 'everyday event', and will probably always be have to handled with kid gloves.......

LA70
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Re: What to do?

Postby julie2009 » Wed Jul 09, 2014 3:48 pm

Hi Donotunderstand.

I would let this young lady stew for a bit. You would think she would be mature enough to understand but obviously not and for her family to jump on the bandwagon - people should know better and you shouldn't have to explain yourselves to her relatives. All I can say is God help you all when her wedding arrives and someone else gets more attention than her. It seems her parents must play into her hands everytime she craves attention.

Julie xx
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Re: What to do?

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu Jul 10, 2014 11:00 am

The fiancee is a very needy person and seems to be a similar character to the siblings birth mum. Apparently my nephew wasn't thinking about getting engaged but our family weddings spurred them on. He is only 19 and she is a bit younger. Apparently she got caught up in the romance of it all!! She hasn't met all of his aunts/cousins etc so I don't know why she thought she should meet the adoptees. The adoptive parents are assuming that their three will make their own arrangements for meeting up after their 18th birthdays in a year or two so I look forward to seeing what will happen. The boys cooked up an impromptu meeting last year which involved the oldest going back to the adoptees house which a.mum said she was ok with except she'd have liked a bit of warning. But when we were in the area on a camping trip shortly after I asked if our daughter could meet up with any of them (not at their house but in town) I was told no - they would prefer group meetings. I'm hoping that meet ups without the parents might be easier to arrange. We'll see.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm


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