Adopted over a year ago

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Adopted over a year ago

Postby joanne12 » Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:05 am

We adopted our 2 children Jan 2013, they are siblings, both settled in fine from day one, I took a year off work & went back January, part time, every thing was fine.
The last few weeks, my 3.5yr old has started to wet himself (think we are getting this under control again now) but he seems to cry all the time to the point I was crying as it was getting me down so much. We cant ask him a simple question as he just cries when we ask him why hes crying, he cant speak through the tears, when he is calm, we ask him again & he cries again, when calm again, we don't ask, he goes off to play & is laughing & happy again!!! He has also become very clingy which I am sort of putting down to me going back to work plus this is the longest home he has ever had & assuming, hes a bit scared he may get moved again even though we tell him he is here forever, I honestly thought I would have more problems with our 5 yr old but she is fine, any ideas what the crying is all about?
Thanks in advance
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Joined: Wed Mar 19, 2014 10:16 pm

Re: Adopted over a year ago

Postby Donotunderstand » Tue Mar 25, 2014 11:21 am

Hi Joanne,

Welcome to the forum. I am an adoptive mum but our daughter came to us at birth, we have two birth children. You could be right in thinking thats its something to do with you going back to work. He may be feeling a sense of abandonment but as his age he won't understand what's making him so upset and he won't be able to verbalise his feelings. At a similar age our daughter started preschool - she cried when I left her, was apparently fine during the session and cried when I picked her up. One of the workers said it could be a feeling of relief that I had picked her up as she might have thought she'd never see me again. I will pm you a link to a forum where you can get advice from other adopters.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: Adopted over a year ago

Postby ladyarcher » Sat Mar 29, 2014 12:48 am

Hi Joanne, and welcome

You do not say where your 3.5 yr old is, when you are at he with your husband at home, is he at home but with a minder of some sort, or is he at nursery school or similar.........

Apart from the insecurity of having not been with you for very long....only about one third of his life actually, and you say he has had other placements of some kind where he moved several times.......apart from a normal insecurity, he is still pretty young for you to be going back to work, even only part time.......a year with you will not have given him the confidence that a birth child would probably have, but not all of them do, even if they have had a steady home background..........for example, one of our grandsons has lived with us from birth, along with his mother, whose relationship sadly failed.....however when our daughter went back to work when he was two, he had most distressing and heartbreaking episodes of tears and grief, standing at the front door and trying to look through the cat flap ........he had never been moved about, and we, his grandparents had been there all his life........he still grieved for his mum though, and took about half an hour to calm down and accept a distraction.......then after an hour or so he would suddenly remember again, that she wasn't there, and grieve all over again........he has eventually got over it, and amazingly to us, he happily went to school this year as a rising four, he was four three weeks ago now........and is a happy and confident little boy.......but even now, if he gets very tired, he will wobble and want Mama.......

I think, perhaps, that with your son's background and previous experience, you may have gone back to work a bit too soon for him to have become confident.........even if he is in his own home, with someone he knows coming in to 'mind' could still be too unsettling for him....and if you are leaving him in a nursery or similar, it will be even more unsettling for him........did you lead up to it gradually, by perhaps going on a short shopping trip without him, that sort of you really have to go out to work.........he does not legally have to go to school perhaps you should give him a bit more of yourself for a while.......

Insecurity is a dreadful thing, and can haunt adoptees all their lives.......I was adopted at aged two myself, and believe me, it is still there......and you will see from below my signature, how long it has lasted........

born 1944 - adopted 1946
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