Contacted by Birth Mother without consent

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Contacted by Birth Mother without consent

Postby v_midget » Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:44 am

Hello,

3 Years ago my sister decided to get into contact with our biological parents, she did this secretly and didn't consider any of the consequences. This has caused several problems but the main one is that the biological mother contacted me through facebook telling me personal information which I was not aware of. When I first was made aware of what my sister had done I hoped that she had put safegaurds in place to ensure I wouldn't be involved and I would be protected from this. 3 years down the line I still do not trust her and it is putting immense strain on my family as I feel she has betrayed me and made me question everything that I thought about myself.

If there is anyone out there who has either been through a similar situation, or known someone who has it would be nice to get some advice as this is tearing me up inside and affecting everything.

Thank You
v_midget
 
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Re: Contacted by Birth Mother without consent

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:12 pm

Hello V-midget, and welcome....I am sorry not to have seen your post earlier, and replied sooner.......I would not want you to think that no-one was 'listening'.......

.I am not in your position, which is quite an unusual one, although not unheard of......but hope that a pair of un-biased, and rather old, eyes can help with a bit of unpicking of problems.......and perhaps getting some clarity for you.....

..not that you have to give out any detail on here that you don't want to, of course, but it is a little difficult to see which part of your recent experience is the one that is the most difficult for you.........given, of course, that many parts of reunions are difficult in many different ways.......

You say that your sister got in touch with the biological parents of both of you....... this suggests that you are full sisters who were adopted together at some point, at some age, and for some reason........now, it is not always that siblings are lucky enough to be adopted together........, but it sounds as if you two are in this category....

One has to assume, as both of you were adopted, that there was some problem with your mutual birth parents, that made it necessary for you both not to be raised by them......perhaps they were judged not fit to bring you both up, because of something serious, like drugs, or cruelty, or crime, or neglect, perhaps they were simply too young and irresponsible.............. perhaps they were just unlucky in their life circumstances.......many possible reasons, some worse than others......you don't give your age now, so it is difficult to picture the social mores that pertained at the time of your adoptions....

Now you refer to your birth mother as 'the biological mother' .....which suggests that whatever she has been telling you on Facebook is something that does not cause you to have warm feelings, towards her,........ nor to have neutral feelings,........ nor to have forgiving or understanding feelings......it is unusual for someone not to have at least a bit of one of these reactions ......... even if you want nothing to do with her, because your adoption is perfect and you have enough parents already.......or it might be that your adoption was not perfect and you feel that your birth parents are to blame for this.......

........You refer to 'our biological parents', which sounds as if they are together, but that may just be the way I have read it.....

.......the 'safeguards' you refer to, presumably mean that you had expected your sister not to divulge your own whereabouts without your consent.......and certainly, she should not have done this........you are as entitled to want no contact,.......... as she is entitled to want contact......but it seems as if the information that you have received from your b.mother is the greater part of the problem for you ......this is not to brush aside that your sister has been reckless................, but it does seem that you truly did not want to know the details/reasons for your adoption.......and now you know these things, you can't 'un-know' them, and they are causing you distress.......because, of course, we can't 'un-know' something, and being human, the thing we really don't want to think about, is the thing that we can't get out of our minds.......

That it has taken away your trust in your sister is understandable........but what did you want to trust her with ....... is she is likely to turn up at your house with your birth mother, or likely to bring her to a family occasion, and by so doing force an acknowledgement out of you ........ do you feel, if you have children yourself, that you do not want them around your sister, who is of course their aunt, because she will talk about your birth mother to the children, and cause unease and questions from them that you will have to answer..... maybe they will start asking about their 'other granny'....... maybe they have already done so.......you say it is causing strain to your family, which sounds as if you have children and a husband.......forgive me if I have guessed wrongly, it may be that the family you refer to are your a.parents, and that this situation has upset and unsettled them......and they need your constant reassurance.....

I don't feel that you have to question your own thoughts about yourself....... you sound quite clear in your decisions ....... although, perhaps it has all made you question your own feelings towards other people in your family, like your a.parents, as well as your birth parents.....and this has made you unsure of your judgement......that would be uncomfortable.........

Sorry that I can't be more help than this ....... for myself, my full sister and I were separated and adopted to different couples........it took me 40 years to find her again, from finding out about her when I was 25 ....I would never never have given up trying to find her........... to many adoptees, a blood relative is very precious, one's own children are precious, of course,......... but it is very different finding and meeting someone of one's own generation, a sibling, or a cousin......., or the previous generation, such as b.parent, aunt, uncle.....so it is very sad that you and your sister are at odds at the moment......

I am sure others on here will reply to you with better or more helpful thoughts than mine.......meanwhile, do keep coming back here for help, support, a rant, whatever you need..

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother in 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I found them in Canada they were not shocked - coming up to five years ago, finally found my full sister after a forty year search.....we are great friends and I would never have given up looking.......she knew very little about our b.family, and had no idea that she had a full sister.......
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