Adopters counting the days...............

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Adopters counting the days...............

Postby Donotunderstand » Sat May 25, 2013 7:50 am

I've just been reading another forum where I've been a member for over 10 years . I am shocked and saddened by a thread about adoptive parents counting the days until their children can leave home. I understand that there are some damaged, difficult children out there who struggle in the family home. I understand that these children can abuse others physically and verbally and destroy property and steal. What I don't understand is why the parents think they have to struggle on just waiting for the day when they can tell the child to leave. Surely that can't be healthy for anyone. The child must pick up on the fact that their parents don't want them there.

The advice being given is - make them homeless before they are 18 so that social sevices etc are obliged to help them.

I don't walk in their shoes, I can't know how it is, but surely if, as I am always being told,the best interests of the child are paramount, why are these children living in such conditions. Do adopters feel it is their duty to carry on? If that child is struggling in the family setting perhaps foster care would be easier for them.

Rant over - I had to log off that site before I wrote something I might regret!
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Adopters counting the days...............

Postby ladyarcher » Sat May 25, 2013 9:57 pm

I can well imagine that many adoptions that are happening now and in recent years involve damaged children who must be incredibly difficult to live with.......maybe the a.parents who are posting are truly at the end of their tether(s) and can see no other end to the tunnel and that is the measure of their desperation......

...I have read that once a child is adopted, then the parents are just treated as if the child was a birth child and are expected to soldier on by themselves with little or no help.......of course the thing is that these are not a 'birth child' who is being difficult or challenging, they are children who are already badly damaged in various ways..........I think that the 'perceived intelligence' some years ago was that if you took a child out of a bad situation and put it in a good situation, then the child would magically 'heal', and become a normal child.........this was patently unlikely, and was proved in the cases of the Rumanian orphans, they had not exactly been ill treated, but for the most part had been totally unstimulated in that they received no 'touch contact' i.e. cuddles etc........and were just left in cots all day and not talked to or taught to speak or deprivation of normal human interaction.......and surprise surprise it took them years to start to behave like normal children........not sure if they ever have children who have been abused.....physically, mentally, sexually......are going to be far worse intellectually than the orphans were .......... so how the a.parents were expected to 'heal' them, I don't know......probably if they asked for help, what they would get would be the offer to take the child into Care......which of course would be the worst thing for a child in that position.......

The advice to kick the child out before it was 18 is awful.......because although at 17 they may still receive help and counselling if they are 'homeless', as soon as they are 18 that will fact that is what children in care find so difficult, the fact that at 18 they are no-ones responsibility any more and they are just cast adrift to sink or swim on their own........they may be given a bedsit flat........but not many children in that position are fit to look after themselves, manage money, avoid bad company, etc........ they just become instant targets for further abuse, or pulled in to drug taking, and for the girls, prostitution......

...there are people on this site who have asked for help at certain difficult times, only to have their children taken off them, and adopted.......a lot of good that would do to children already adopted once.....bad enough being 'unwanted' in their mind once.........without being 'unwanted' again......I don't know what the answer is......perhaps the a.parents you were reading about had adopted a damaged child for the best of reasons, but been totally idealistic, and unrealistic in what they thought they could do for the child ..........perhaps as well as being unrealistic and idealistic they had not been put right, or warned properly when being prepared for can bet, I would think, that SS are pretty keen to 'place' difficult children........and also of course, successful a.parents are not going to post as much as ones in difficulty......

The answer, if there is one, is to keep damaged people from damaging their children,and thereby creating a constant stream of people who are not fit to have children at all.....the only way to do this is to take the child away at birth.......this tends not to be popular, although it is sometimes done....SS are always being screamed at for not taking a child away, such as with baby P, but at the same time they are screamed at when they do take a child away.........what crystal ball they can consult to see which to do, I would like to know.......

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Re: Adopters counting the days...............

Postby Turtle » Thu May 30, 2013 7:39 am

I agree, Donotunderstand. It is such a sad situation. For the adoptee, it is a second rejection.

Yes, circumstances can be hard, but I do wonder if these parents would take the same stance, if the child was blood? With their own genetic children, would they take the same view? I think it is easy to blame the adoptee's background, on why things go wrong.

Have you ever come across Monty Roberts? He is known as the Horse Whisperer, and works with horses that have difficulty connecting with people, often due to abuse. He is amazing to watch, if you ever get a chance. Apart from his work with animals, he and his wife also took on a lot of children who had come from incredibly difficult circumstances. A lot were young, angry males, who had had no positive role models in their life. He took on an extraordinary number of children, and most of them he was able to make a real difference to. He basically used the same principles that he used on his horses. He set boundaries and limitation and when they responded to these, they were rewarded with love, kindness and respect. He was a very balanced human being. Such an interesting man.
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