Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

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Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Donotunderstand » Sun Feb 03, 2013 10:15 am

Can we discuss the benefits of therapy for young adoptees please.

I know that a lot of adoptive parents are keen to get therapy for their children. Mostly to help the child work through their early trauma and the damage left behind by birth parents.

Early trauma related to being parted from birth mother and also being removed from the family home to be adopted.
Damage done by birth family by neglect,physical and emotinal abuse.

Do you think you would have been helped by having therapy when you were younger? Does the adoption itself cause problems?

I ask because although I do accept the problems a child may have will be as a result of early trauma for the above reasons, But I also think that the adoptive parents may add to the problems when you consider that perhaps the children are placed with a family quite different to the one they were born into. The social worker who did our assessment for adoption commented on how good it was that our daughter would be in a family similar to birth parents ie working class, whereas some of her siblings were being placed with "middle class" parents. Bearing in mind the children were aged 4/5 when placed is it possible that they would not quite "fit" or am I barking up the wrong tree!!

Your thoughts please.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Turtle » Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:45 pm

I don't think that just because someone is adopted, automatically means that they need therapy. I think it has to be judge on a case by case basis.

There are going to be children who adapt well to a new environment, and that therapy may drag up things that they would have otherwise just naturally dealt with or shaken off.

I think you have to look at each individual child and assess where or not they are coping. When I look back at my own childhood, it was pretty obvious that I was struggling. I was incredibly shy, extremely underweight and prone to vomiting (brought on by anxiety). Although my parents took me to see a doctor, because my adoption was a secret, that was never raised as a possible cause. My low body weight led to bullying at school, which led to low self esteem and long term anxiety issues. I was a child who struggled to make long term friendships (in fact, I still have that problem as a adult), this is probably due to a lack of trust and poor view of myself as a person.

In my early twenties, I did attend therapy due to anxiety problems, but again, as I didn't know about my adoption, the subject was never raised and so therefore not dealt with. As a people pleaser, I spent more time trying to make the therapist feel better about himself. (Don't ask! I would view therapy very differently if I went back today). Because of that, I can't say that the therapy worked.

I have known many young adults, that have had therapy for a variety of reasons. It isn't always as success as they hoped. Sometimes the therapist isn't experienced in the area that they need help with, and often they as young, insure people, as not that willing to open up to someone that they don't know and don't trust.

I definitely think there is a place for therapy, but in an open, caring home where the child feels safe, perhaps the needed is less.
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby skyebluepink » Mon Feb 04, 2013 7:59 pm

Yes I think as a teenager, if my family had suggested therapy to me then I would have been aghast at the idea. I didn't think about adoption much and when I did, it didn't bother me. Remember that being a teenager is a difficult time for anyone, and if a young person is experiencing difficulties, it is not necessarily due to adoption - there can be so many other factors that also come into it.

If you feel your daughter would benefit by talking to someone, then maybe ask her what she thinks about it. I don't think it's something that needs to be done as a matter of course - just as and when it is needed. I found I needed to talk to someone after being reunited with my bm (and especially in the subsequent breakdown). Perhaps the time will come when your daughter is in a similar situation and you could suggest it to her if you feel she needs to talk to someone outside the family. However, I also agree that if she is part of a loving family who is open about her adoption then she may not need to do that. Everyone is different.
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Donotunderstand » Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:23 pm

Sorry. I was looking for a discussion/debate kind of thing. My daughter isn't needing therapy. Reading another forum I just wondered why adopters are so keen to get their children into therapy when they are having problems.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:29 am

I have quite a problem with a number of words that suggest a certain concept........one of these words is therapy ......... therapy, in the medical sense of the word is angled towards an improvement........not necessarily a cure, but a help, an easement.........from what I have seen and heard 'therapy' in the sense of a 'mental' angle, often seems to make things worse..........now I know that therapists say that things have to get worse before they can get better, and to a sort of extent that is true, in that unless there is an acknowledgement that there is a problem, then one cannot cure it........

the hitch, then, as I see it, is that small, or young children are not going to be able to recognise......., or distinguish perhaps is a better word.... what is causing their problem........and to suggest to a child that their problem is because they are adopted......or for a child to get that impression, however un-intended........simply gives the child a worse problem.....i.e. that it is something about them that is the cause of their problem........and to a child adoption is unchangeable, it cannot be cured by good behaviour, or doing well at school

Now with you Turtle,........ it may be that had you not been an adopted child, and had what to all intents and purposes had been an ordinary family, then you might just as likely have been a sensitive child who threw up for no apparent reason, or perhaps for a physical reason that should have been diagnosed, and maybe because of the sickness, or maybe just because you were genetically slight, you were under weight, and were bullied, because children are nasty cruel little beasts who will always see a difference as a weakness......and exploit it....

....I will give you a personal example of this.......as a child my front teeth stood out - possibly because I had sucked my forefinger, or possibly it was genetic........my sweet school mates at my posh girls' school, of course, called me 'rabbit' quite often, so I would fight them........ I fought because I did not want to be called 'rabbit' ...... when hauled before the headmistress, along with my a.mother, it was politely suggested that the reason I fought physically was because I was adopted.....my adoption was not a secret, it was a matter of great pride to my a.mother...........perhaps the school staff thought that only adopted children would fight, because 'you could never be quite sure of their background'.........a year or so on, when I had braces to correct my teeth, I simply got called 'rabbit with grass stuck in its teeth'........and I still fought.........

And, yes, I agree with SkyBP.......had anyone suggested therapy I would probably have been aghast, or more likely at that age, bemused .......however I do not think that in the 1950s, when I was at school - I left in 1961 - in the 1950s therapy had not been invented as far as I know, at least not for girls at 'nice' girls' schools......

I think, with regard to Donot's original question, that Turtle has it right when she says that she doesn't see that just because a person is adopted they should be seen as automatically needing 'therapy'......everyone is individual and has individual needs.......there is no 'one size fits all'.......especially with regard to adoption.....

..I don't think that small children should ever be given the idea that they are 'different', but if a slightly older child is adopted, and they have seen and heard unpleasant things and had horrid experiences, then something has to be done to prevent permanent damage........the emphasis one would hope would be on the people who caused the damage, not on the fact of adoption........and it seems to me that this is very difficult, because if the people causing the damage have been the child's parents, then giving them a 'new mummy and daddy' is not really going to work.........for in a child's mind, who is to say that a 'new mummy and daddy' will not turn out as bad as the old mummy and daddy.........and in many instances the child is going to have possibly already had several 'new daddys'.........

So what is the answer.......therapy.........or ignoring the subject of adoption altogether, just treating it as if it were a perfectly normal thing.......we are a long way culturally from doing this, although I believe it was very common in the days of the Romans........perhaps we were nearer to treating it as normal a couple of generations ago, when it was still quite an ordinary occurrence to pass children around within families and even neighbours, if there were difficulties in the child's birth family..........but once the Authorities got involved and wanted to legalise things with bits of paper in the mid 1930s, perhaps that is actually when adoption started to be a 'problem' rather than an ordinary occurrence arranged within the wider family........

LA
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Donotunderstand » Tue Feb 05, 2013 8:37 am

ladyarcher wrote:.......but once the Authorities got involved and wanted to legalise things with bits of paper in the mid 1930s, perhaps that is actually when adoption started to be a 'problem' rather than an ordinary occurrence arranged within the wider family........


LA, thats what I am thinking. It seems to me that nowadays, whatever an adopted child is doing, many adopters will not accept that "all children do that". They are always on the alert for underlying problems. My adopted niece is having therapy to help her with the "early trauma experienced in the birth family home". She did experience neglect along with 4 of her siblings. Being the middle child of children very close in age I think she will have suffered more as she missed some important early nurturing. However, I don't see how a therapist can help. My niece will be able to talk but won't get any answers - only we can do that. But she will have to wait until she is 18 until she can talk to us and by that time she might not want to.

Turtle, do you sometimes think about whether you'd have had the same problems if you'd been brought up by your birth parents? Due to my parents break up, even though I was shielded from the nastiness, I feel that somewhere along the line I decided that men couldn't be trusted and I was late coming to marriage. I dominate our relationship which my husband accepts as in his family, mother was also the stronger person. My oldest daughter is the same.

Going back to placing children with relatives, our oldest niece was sent to live with aunt and uncle in another town, away from everyone else. She calls them mum & dad and regards them as her family. Her brother went to great aunt & uncle but he struggled with it and eventually achieved his dream to get back to birth mum where he is still unhappy. Then the next three adopted together by strangers where the girl is in therapy and the boys seem to be settled (but it was one of the boys was keen to get in touch with his big brother through facebook) Then our girl who has the advantage(?) of being with one family from birth and seems to cope with her divided family situation very well. She is quite a different character to us but we have a strong bond and lots of love.

I wish that the family could have managed to keep the children together and to be fair to the first social worker she also tried very hard to keep them in the birth family but as time went on she needed to get the children settled and plans were made for adoption. It seems that adoption does not suit the middle girl but does suit the boys and our daughter.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Turtle » Tue Feb 05, 2013 10:09 am

ladyarcher wrote:Now with you Turtle,........ it may be that had you not been an adopted child, and had what to all intents and purposes had been an ordinary family, then you might just as likely have been a sensitive child who threw up for no apparent reason, or perhaps for a physical reason that should have been diagnosed, and maybe because of the sickness, or maybe just because you were genetically slight, you were under weight, and were bullied, because children are nasty cruel little beasts who will always see a difference as a weakness......and exploit it....
LA


Donotunderstand wrote:Turtle, do you sometimes think about whether you'd have had the same problems if you'd been brought up by your birth parents? Due to my parents break up, even though I was shielded from the nastiness, I feel that somewhere along the line I decided that men couldn't be trusted and I was late coming to marriage. I dominate our relationship which my husband accepts as in his family, mother was also the stronger person. My oldest daughter is the same.


I don't really want to go into the specifics of my problem, but lets just say that I was diagnosed about 25 years ago as having a severe mental health disorder. This had been with me since a young age, but it wasn't until I saw a new doctor, at the age of 20, that he diagnosed me correctly. Since then I have had a small amount of therapy and have been on medication to control it. Basically, it has ruled my life and impacted on decisions that I have made. It has unfortunately and also fortunately made me the person that I am today.

Since coming on this site, and realising the impact adoption can have, I have done a huge amount of research into the condition. I used to think it was caused by the bullying at school, which I can recall from the age of five, but my research has now led me to believe that it was my adoption which was the number one probable cause. There has been a lot of research that links this condition with abandonment. No one can say with absolute certainty, what causes a problem, but I personally, am as good as 100% sure, that being abandoned as a child, led to this problem which has had such an overwhelming impact on my life. No doubt, as being kept in the dark about what happened, also had an impact. But I think it was that initial abandonment that had the most significant impact. (Although this disorder has been linked to genetics, having viewed my birth family as much as I can at a distance, I am pretty sure, that it is not that).

So, I have no doubt in my own mind, as to the source of this. However, the bottom line is, that you have to play the game of life with the hand you are dealt. I am not one to focus on the cause of a problem, more the solution. That is why I see most therapy as a waste of time, as it focuses too much on the past. Knowing what caused something, to me, is more interesting than helpful. Knowing the cause, will not solve the problem, nor will any amount of discussing it. You can't change the past, you can only move on from it. My own battle with this will be on going. There is no total solution, but the progress that I have made, mainly due to my own determination has brought me to a point where most people wouldn't even know that I had a problem. It has been hard though, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:35 pm

Turtle, please don't think that I was suggesting that adoption was irrelevant in your, or anyone else's case......just that many people have similar things and in my view it is as wrong to attribute everything to the blanket cause of adoption as it was in my case, as it would be wrong to completely ignore it, and keep it secret, as in your case...........I too believe that therapy is not all that useful, although as you say if you are lucky with your therapist, or whoever you happen to feel comfortable talking to for that matter.........if you can identify the 'history' of the problem, it is useful and interesting....... but it is just that, 'history', and cannot be changed.......and as you also rightly say, you have to 'play the game of life with the hand you have been dealt'........

I suppose that what happened 'in between' .....and the age of the completion of an adoption,............ is going to be a significant factor in the abandonment issues that many of us feel.......in the past it was believed that a very small baby did not feel 'abandonment' because the logic was that if it could not speak, it could not think, so if it had no words, then it had no knowledge and it had no concept of who was caring for it, and it was perfectly happy as long as someone fed it, and kept it warm and comfortable and that it did not matter who did this........... the older the child was, the more likely it was to be upset, because it had awareness could express it's thoughts in words and could question where people had gone etc............now the thinking has totally changed and we are told that a baby, even at birth, will suffer forever if it is separated from its blood mother, for whatever reason.......

Now somewhere in between these two extremes, one would hope might be an answer........but there probably isn't........

I can only give two possibly relevant examples....... myself, and my full sister .........when our little world fell apart I was about 18months old and my sister about two months old.......it is possible we were both a month younger than that....... whatever the exact timing details are, I could talk, and talk well apparently, and my sister would not have been able to.........not only were we separated from our birth parents, grandfather and older half siblings, but we were also separated from each other.......now I have what would be described by the catchall phrase 'separation anxiety' .......this takes the form of being unhappy to the point of feeling physically ill if I have to get rid of stuff......this is quite a problem when one needs to move house, especially the house move which we are about to have to downsize from six bedrooms and a lot of cupboards, huge loft and other spaces........to a three bed Victorian cottage......so my problem is mostly with the past, and what I can hang on to from it.......things are secure, they don't go off and leave you........I also dislike travelling too far from home......so have rarely gone abroad......

.....my younger full sister, on the other hand, is a complete rolling stone, gathering very little in the way of moss.....she opted not to have children - I have five - as children would 'tie her down' and she would not be able to travel with her husband........she has some things that she will not part with, but nothing like the amount that I have........

She was adopted as a baby of a few months or less........I was already 'cogniscent' of the people who surrounded me.....three older halves, parents, grandfather.......she appears to be secure in herself........I am not ......... all these things are difficult to quantify of course......there are things that she does and views that she holds that my husband and I feel are attributable to insecurity ........ there are aspects of my character that are very secure...

....going by the above views......babies don't care.........older children do.......we both ought to be total stereotypes according to the age of our parting from our b.mother........ but we are not........we are a mixture of security and insecurity in different quantities and probably at different amounts at different times in our lives .....both of our a.mothers must have been determined to have children, or they would not have adopted......my sister's a.mother appears to have been a mother who knew how to 'let go' and encouraged my sister to be fearless and independent.......my a.mother only wanted one, and I was that 'one' and for all of my childhood I was very much 'her' child, a.father very sidelined, my a.mother was very proud of adopting me, and boasted about it all the time...........my sister's adoption was by no means a secret, but her a.mother seems to have had a far more matter of fact attitude...

... which either proves everything about adoption, or nothing at all.........I suppose, actually, it proves that it is a lottery, which brings us right back to the 'hand that we are dealt......' the cards being our age at adoption, our previous experiences, and crucially, the character of our a.parents......all these cards are going to have a bearing on our feelings impressions and experiences.........it is truly 'a lottery'.......

LA
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Turtle » Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:37 pm

ladyarcher wrote:... which either proves everything about adoption, or nothing at all.........I suppose, actually, it proves that it is a lottery, which brings us right back to the 'hand that we are dealt......' the cards being our age at adoption, our previous experiences, and crucially, the character of our a.parents......all these cards are going to have a bearing on our feelings impressions and experiences.........it is truly 'a lottery'.......


I think this is the only thing that we can say with any certainty.

There are so many factors involved. Take for example ladyarcher, yourself and your sister. I wonder what your life would have been like now, if you had been adopted by each other's adoptive parents. If you had ended up with your sister's adoptive mother and her views on life, and your sister had had yours. No doubt you would be a very different person today. It fascinates me how all the twists and turns in life effect us.

It is interesting how you say that your sister didn't want children. Was her only reason that she didn't want to be tied down? I never wanted children, simply because I felt you had to really want to have them in the first place (which I think is linked to my adoption) and secondly, that they needed a stable, loving home with balanced parents. As I didn't consider myself to be balanced, and did not want to pass my own health issues on, I decided that parenthood was not for me. A lot of people view not having children as a selfish view, that you want a career or your own life, but in my case, I view it differently. Not having them meant that I didn't pass on my mental health issues, via either nature or nurture. It meant that those issues stopped with me.

I have read that quite a lot of adoptees don't have children, although I don't know what the actual statistics are.
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Feb 05, 2013 6:31 pm

My husband and I speculate often on how my sister and I would have been had we been with each other's a.parents......or if both of us had been with one or other set of parents......sadly for me, my sister's a.parents wanted two children, and my sister is adamant that they would have had both of us had they known.....in fact her a.parents adopted a boy so she has a 'brother'...

.......with my a.parents, I did not know that they knew there were two of us until many years on........I was 25 when I found out about my full sister during my search for my b.mother.......at that time my a.mother denied knowing about her.........however when my a.mother was in her eighties and not always living in the present, she mentioned quite casually that she had not wanted two, and had not wanted a baby only a toddler so she had refused when offered both of us...she dropped this little conversational bomb shell as a total non sequiter while I was driving her on a forty mile journey to our nearest town in Scotland.....she was living with us by then being unable to care for herself and with my a.father long gone sadly........it may well be that my a.father didn't know anyway and that she made the decision herself.......it would not surprise me....

.... my sister's a.parents were not offered 'two' nor even told that there were two, because I had already been 'placed', I would guess very quickly as there were plenty of nice brand new white babies around at the end of the war, and a nearly two year old might have been difficult to get rid of.....

I had a perfectly comfortable, if rather stultified childhood in the County town in Surrey........own dog, own room, holiday every year, private girls' school, ballet, riding, piano...church three times on a Sunday...a.father was a Deacon, and a.mother was flower secretary......etc, a typical narrow middle class upbringing....

...my sister, only about ten miles away from me, in a Surrey village, enjoyed a far free-er upbringing with her own ponies, her a.father had paddocks, rather than a house with a big garden, they had holiday homes in Ireland and in the West Country to which she could take her pony with her on holiday, she went to private boarding school so our paths never crossed, despite the fact that we both used the same riding school when her horses were stabled there for a while.....we rode all over the same bits of Surrey, totally unknowing that the other existed..........my sister's a.mother was slightly fragile in her health, so my sister and her brother had a nanny some of the time........but her a.mother always emphasised that 'can't do it' was not a sentence to be heard, and encouraged daring and exploration and adventure.....had being 'presented' at court not finished by the time my sister was old enough, she probably would have been a debutante her a.parents being in a different social level to mine ............do I feel a bit envious........yes, of course.......

We both worked in Care for a long time, and she still does it privately in short bursts 'living in' looking after well heeled elderly ladies, in order to fund travelling, ...... whereas I used to do nights in Council 'homes' when the children were young because my ex. did not pay any maintenance so my second husband was supporting my two and our three.........we both like dogs and horses and both still ride........we both like gardening and antiques and good literature.......we laugh at the same things, and both like a gin and tonic.......differences are that my husband and I are seldom apart, she and her husband are often apart for periods of weeks when she is working, and when he is away travelling.........she is astonished at our family and how we live, minding our grandchildren and helping our children, some of whom have only recently moved out.........whereas she was independent and left home very early despite having super parents.........

life and the way people deal with it, is infinately interesting........because I knew I had a full sister I was like a dog with a bone for forty years......the day contact was made was stunning.......really stunning.......stunning for her too, as she had no idea she had a full sister.........she often will still stop in the middle of a conversation and stare at me and say that she still can't believe it........

LA
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Turtle » Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:38 pm

ladyarcher wrote: my sister, only about ten miles away from me


Wow. That is amazing. You were so close to each other............and yet so far away. You could have passed each other in the street without knowing it.

Do you find that information frustrating? You may have been adopted by different families, but you could have actually still had contact. I personally, find that rather sad.
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:00 am

Chances are that we did pass in the street, and could have done even closer because of the riding stables........I was vaguely but disinterestedly aware that there were girls who had their own ponies at the stables........but of course they could come and go as they wished and did not have to be told which horse they could ride, nor have to follow the led ride organised by the stables.........so those of us who only went out for lessons or 'hacks' did not get much chance to meet the other children.......we arrived in time for our hours ride and left soon afterwards, and in those days there were buses that had to be caught etc.......

An interesting idea.......... that separated siblings could be deliberately allowed to socialise with each other.......I can't see that working because of the competitive side........ just remember my view on only having riding lessons and my sister having her own ponies ........children would be sure to try to play off the two sets of a.parents in much the same way as children of a divorce will play off their separated parents....

..had we both gone to the same set of a.parents we would probably have spent most of our time fighting each other, being only sixteen months apart we would have been bound to be competitive with each other, whereas now, having met at aged 63 and 64 we are able to have great fun together........it is coming up to the fourth anniversary of our reunion.......I must send her a 'happy finding my sister' e-mail.......

LA
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Turtle » Wed Feb 06, 2013 9:30 am

ladyarcher wrote:An interesting idea.......... that separated siblings could be deliberately allowed to socialise with each other.......I can't see that working because of the competitive side........ just remember my view on only having riding lessons and my sister having her own ponies ........children would be sure to try to play off the two sets of a.parents in much the same way as children of a divorce will play off their separated parents....


You may be right. I can't say I was ever that competitive, so maybe in depends on the child. I wonder at what age you think you could have dealt with it without any form of jealously creeping in?

Donotunderstand wrote: Reading another forum I just wondered why adopters are so keen to get their children into therapy when they are having problems.


To get back to the original point, I guess a lot of adopters panic when their children are having problems and maybe wrongly assume that it is down to the adoption, rather than just the usual childhood angst. There also must be a huge amount of pressure of adoptive parents to "get it right". In fact, that is probably more so than normal parents who are not under such scrutiny.

I suppose it is better that they are at least seeking help, rather than turning a blind eye and ignoring things, hoping they will magically improve.

It still gets us back to the point though, that do children cope with therapy? As adults we see the logic in it and can also realise if a therapist is any good or not. Children can't make that call. They may just see it as another interfering adult, that doesn't understand them. (It was adults, let's face it, who caused their problems in the first place).

I wonder if it would be better for children to have mentors. Maybe someone who was adopted themselves and so understands a bit better. They could be there for the children, like a trusted aunt, rather than a therapist, who let's face it, has more or less just read it out of a book. There are only going to be a handful of therapist who specialise in adopted children, and not all of those all going to be any good. I think finding that therapist who absolutely knows what they are doing is going to be hard for anyone.
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed Feb 06, 2013 11:20 am

"I wonder if it would be better for children to have mentors. Maybe someone who was adopted themselves and so understands a bit better"

This does work well. When we did some life story work with our daughter a few years ago she had an open door to the Deputy Head at primary school. She was also adopted and showed a keen interest in how different their adoptions were - deputy head had no information on her family whereas our daughter knew a lot about hers. It wasn't counselling but a chance to openly discuss things as and when she wanted to with someone who knew her and knew about adoption.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Discuss Therapy for Young Adoptees

Postby Turtle » Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:04 pm

Donotunderstand wrote:This does work well. When we did some life story work with our daughter a few years ago she had an open door to the Deputy Head at primary school. She was also adopted and showed a keen interest in how different their adoptions were - deputy head had no information on her family whereas our daughter knew a lot about hers. It wasn't counselling but a chance to openly discuss things as and when she wanted to with someone who knew her and knew about adoption.


That, to me, seems ideal. You had someone that you could trust, who was available pretty much daily, who your daughter could talk to. Someone who obviously had gone on to lead a successful and hopefully balanced life. No doubt, you would feel happier with her chatting with someone like that, who is more interested than judgemental, rather than social services. I think young adoptees having access to someone like that, in an informal setting, is really helpful.
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