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Postby andyjs » Thu Jun 14, 2012 7:54 pm

I have already asked a question on here but think I should have started with a bit of history. I am 45 yrs old and last year I found my mother my brother and half brother and half sister. This I might add was not because I was looking for them but more by chance. After an initial contact with my mother by phone and Instant messaging lasting about 3 weeks I stopped the contact with her. I also was in contact with my half sister through the computer. I have been in contact and met both brothers and we get on great. These I might add are estranged from there mother.After being told by my sister how pleased she was we were in touch she stopped contact with no reason. I have to admit that all my life I have felt an outsider with whoever I have been with and this is due, I think to knowing I was adopted and perhaps rightly or wrongly feeling that I was not wanted. I have always been a loner and an introvert, again perhaps because I did not want to form attachements to people because of the adoption. Now I find myself with a family or at least 2 brothers and a couple of nieces.Since the discovery of the family I have been treated for depression which is still ongoing. I am getting counciling as well. Basically since april last year my life has been turned upside down...going from a loner to having a family that I did not have before april. I am finding it very hard to cope with things. My relationship with my wife is going down the pan. So much so we are going to relationship councilling, I have no interest in things.

I dont know what to do.I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock to before april last year but I know this is not possible. I was brought up by a loving mother and do not have any feelings for my birth mother...so why do I feel like I do??? I have no other living relative who can tell me what happened when I was a baby so all I have is her version of what happened. She has told me that she has always been looking for me but I do not see how it has taken so long for this to happen. I have been on the electoral roll ever since I could vote...she always knew my adopted name and in this day and age it is so easy to find someone who is not deliberatly hiding.

I am sorry for waffeling on but I have no idea how to get my life back on track. i dont even know what to expect from this forum. perhaps its just a way for me to get things out in the open and to see what other people who have been in this situation have to offer in the way of help and advice. Surely not everyone who has found or been found has had a happy ending??
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Postby ladyarcher » Fri Jun 15, 2012 9:30 pm

Hi again Andyjs .........I am sorry that you are still feeling unhappy about the way your reunion is going.........and no, as I said in my answer the first time you posted, not everyone has a happy ending .......... if you are able to read back on a lot of peoples' posts on here you will see that many are still struggling one way and another........sometimes it is that a birth family really do not want to know,........ sometimes the birth mother keeps wanting 'more time' and this time seems to be endless........sometimes it is half siblings who are actively aggressive, sometimes half siblings think that a returning adoptee is wanting to be remembered in a Will ........

......... although we do not have statistics on reunions, I would be willing to bet that at least fifty per cent of them are not the full 'happy ever after', many will be mildly friendly, nothing to take exception to but just rather cool, some will be totally disinterested, some actively aggressive....and sadly some people will find that their birth family is so dysfunctional that it would have been better to have kept well away.........a lot obviously will depend on the original reason for the adoption.........did you manage to find out why your adoption did not happen until you were 13, somewhere in your contact with your b.family there is probably a clue to this........ you say that after some messaging etc, it was you that stopped the contact with your b.mother ........ presumably you had a reason for this as people do not stop contact for no reason at all......... you say your sister (half?) was initially pleased, then she stopped contact ........ was there a reason for this, was it because you had stopped contact with your b.mother and your sister perhaps felt that you did not want to know her either......did you specifically say or write to your b.mother and tell her that you did not want any more contact, or did you just let time pass without contacting her yourself.........did your sister give you a reason, or just 'drop' contact.

You said in your earlier post that you were not searching and they found you, but on this post you said you found them by chance.......either way, you were not ready to have contact it would seem, and you have been feeling as if you have lost control of your life again........to be adopted at 13 would feel that you had no control of your life, and I think that perhaps your present discomfort and depression is because you have been pitched back into that feeling.....apologies if this sounds a bit psychobabble, but it is amazing how quickly some little thing can make us feel like we felt as children again, and this particular thing is of course not even little.......it is pretty big.....

You say that your a.mother was very loving.........is she still alive, and if so are you able to talk to her about your feelings about your b.mother.......you are only 45, just a few months older than my oldest son, so hopefully your a.mother is still here.........it is sad that all this is having a knock on effect into your marriage ........ adoption thoughts can be very excluding of any other thoughts, and you could have been excluding your wife without realising it........although you do say that you have always felt an outsider, and adoptees often do feel like this..........you do know when you have your 'logical' head on, that your a.mother wanted you and loved you ......... you don't actually know that your b.mother didn't want you........ her life at the time she had you may simply have been in such a muddle that she could not see a way through ......... you wonder why she did not find you sooner........ I know it seems that things are simple if you know someone's name, but until fairly recently with being able to use the internet, it was not that easy........ not impossible of course, but taking hours and hours of work in local libraries and sending for certificates ....... not easy for someone with other children, and although your b.mother is probably younger than I am, not everyone in my age group is absolutely brilliant with using the internet, many are just about able to do e-mails and that is it........it seems to me that you are in need of far more information, and genuine true information at that, before you are able to make a reasoned judgment as to how and why things happened to put you into that position as a child.........

I know it is no good saying to someone with true depression that they must 'pull themselves together'....... but actually this is a good phrase, you are needing to pull all the bits of your life, or your 'self' together, to make sense of it....... and to do this you must discipline yourself to follow each clue dispassionately, as if it was not you whom it was about, as if it were a detective plot or puzzle that you were solving.........if you can mentally distance yourself from things, then you leave space to be kind to yourself, and to others around you.......... you say that you have a good relationship with your brother and half brother...... that is a precious gift ....... many adoptees would be desperately grateful just to have that much ...

.....with regard to what to expect from this forum, you may not expect it, but what you will find is that there are always people here for you........you are not alone, nor are you the only one with these feelings and problems, there are many others whose reunions are similar, and they will always support you.........

born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked........three years ago finally found full sister who had been adopted separately..I found out about her when I was 25, and it took me 40 years to find her.........
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Postby sazzer » Fri Jun 15, 2012 11:25 pm

Hi andyjs

I can't really add a lot more to LA's post other than to say you are definitely not alone in feeling alone and an outsider; at times I have some dark moments and feel like I'm in a little boat on my own in the middle of the ocean floating aimlessly and with no land in sight. May be finding out we were adopted kicked in an instinctive coping mechanism to protect ourselves but unfortunately the downside to that can be a feeling of being cut off.

I'm sorry all this is affecting your marriage, it is easy to shut others out. Sounds like you've had a lot to take in and cope with in a relatively short space of time really on top of how your adoption was affecting you prior to finding your birth family so be kind to yourself and believe you will get through it. You'll find plenty of support on here and from reading others posts you'll identify with others thoughts and feelings. That at least can be of great comfort.

Take care
Sarah x
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