Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

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Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby newman12 » Mon Jun 20, 2011 3:13 pm

This is my first time on here, but I really need some help/advice.

I was put up for adoption at 6 weeks old and I have had a lovely life with two wonderful parents and sister. Over the years I have always been told I was adopted and given little bits of information along the way, but always at the back of mind has been thoughts/questions about my birth mum. I have over the years tried to find out information about my birth mum without much luck. Three weeks ago I found a web site for which I typed in my birth name and was taken aback to find a message on there for me where my brother was looking for me ( a brother I never knew I had), the message was over five years old, but I replied in the hope I would get a response, which I did. I not only found out I had one brother but two, and that we all live within 15 miles of eachother. I was then even more surprised to find out that my birth mum actually went on to marry my birth dad a year after my adoption. Since then my life has been like a rollercoaster, I have met my two brothers who are absolutely brilliant, we keep in touch every day and I feel so close to them its scary. I have also met my birth mum and dad who I really wanted to dislike but again they are lovely, it has been an extremely emotional three weeks for me, and here is the problem. My parents are both elderly and my father unwell, there is no way I can possibly tell them about all of this as it would break their hearts, I think they would disown me and I cant bear the thought of that, but Im torn as I so want to build up a relationship with my natural family too and make up for all the lost years with my brothers, but all the lying and deceit is making me feel ill. I seem to be crying all the time at the thought of being the only one left out of their family unit growing up because they are just so special and lovely and I feel like Ive been robbed of something and yet my upbringing was so good, so why do I feel like this?? My new family feel like a drug to me, I just need to keep talking to them and seeing them, is what I am doing bad? My new family realise the strain this is putting on me and have not pushed me in anyway, everything with them is to be on my terms and they understand that I cannot tell my mum and dad, although my birth mum would love to meet them to thank them, which I know will never happen, I just feel so mixed up and drained over it all, any advice or help would be much appreciated? thankyou
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Re: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby ann65 » Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:51 pm

Hi

Just seen your post , have you read the ones in the adopted people section as I think you will find from the posts on there you are not alone in what you feel and in being unable to tell your a.parents .

Ann
Adopted 1965 , finally got the courage to make contact Jan 2011 after having my file for four years .I am still in regular contact with both my b.mum and half sister.I couldn't have wished for a better outcome .
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Re: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:03 pm

I am not sure that this will be either help, or advice, but here it is anyway.........

This is rather a 'be careful what you wish for........' type of situation. Probably in the casual googling of your birth name you did not really expect anything to come of it, and therefore had not thought out how you would deal with a positive response........so basically you were totally unprepared for how you would feel, how you would tell or not tell your a.parents.....your sister, is she adopted too, or a birth child of your a.parents? One rather wonderful result has actually started a lot of hares running in all directions for you........

If you were brought up as an 'only' it would probably be much easier to keep the two parts of yourself separate, having a sister is going to make it a little more difficult as explanations about who you are seeing and where you are going will either be lies, or economical truths, or evasions, if you need to keep it from her for whatever reason....... with your a.parents being elderly and not in good health you may decide that you have to keep it from them, and it would appear to be a kindness to be this way.......... on the other hand, if they find out that you have kept it from them, then they are going to be hurt however understanding they are........ difficult call.......

You have to deal with your own feelings too, which is quite difficult as you are already finding, ......... you have not been brought up with the others, you are feeling an outsider, and you wanted to dislike your b.parents for not keeping you, but for keeping the others......not to put too fine a point on it, you are jealous, understandably, despite the fact that your a.parents were good and you were happy.............you do not say your age, if your a.parents are elderly you may well be in your late 30s to mid 40s......... you cannot be the baby your b.parents could not keep at the time they had you........ you will need to know what their circumstances were, and why you were given up.........it could have been they were very young and their parents pressurised them thinking their romance would not last........ there are many possibilities......... whatever the reasons, they were valid reasons at the time and you have to remember this, and try not to judge them on present day terms..........

Saying that your new family is like a drug to you is a very good way of putting it, you will have seen other posts on here if you have read them all, where everything seems wonderful to start with, and then small differences appear once the honeymoon period has worn off......... people are only human, your new/old family are human too, and there will be things about them that will jar slightly from time to time, just because their ways and your ways will have been different.......... not right, not wrong, just different........

Despite the difficulty over whatever you tell your sister.......you may have already told her anyway......... I would think that you might be wise to keep it from your a.parents for a little while, just til you see how things work out......... things will not always be quite so full on....... and you may be able to see a way to keep a balance without hurting either side........ you chose to try and find them.......even if the choice was a little random at the time, so you have to pull your self together and deal with it sensibly.....

..... when I found my b.mother I kept it from my a.parents pretty much, they did know that I had found her, but I felt that our relationship was strictly between ourselves, and I never let them meet, nor talked about my b.mother to my a.mother.......my a.father had died soon after I found my b.mother so that was not a problem, but my a.mother would have loved to know every last detail about my b.mother, and I did not want that.......... I could not be two daughters in the same room, so they never met......... now my a.mother is long gone too, and I recently, two years ago, found my full sister....... she had a great adoptive home, and I have to admit to envy....... but life is what you have, you cannot change the past, you just have to deal with it.........

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I found them in Canada it was not a shock to them.........finally found full sister - who had been adopted separately - two years ago, after a forty year search, having found out about her when I was 25..........
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Re: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby maxi » Tue Jun 21, 2011 11:33 am

Just a different angle on this bit:
and I feel like Ive been robbed of something and yet my upbringing was so good


You have to deal with your own feelings too, which is quite difficult as you are already finding, ......... you have not been brought up with the others, you are feeling an outsider, and you wanted to dislike your b.parents for not keeping you, but for keeping the others......not to put too fine a point on it, you are jealous, understandably, despite the fact that your a.parents were good and you were happy

I've experienced this too, and it seems to me it is not driven by jealously, but by a new awareness of the life you might have had; the one you would have had, had you not been put up for adoption.

You have been "robbed" as you say - probably "robbed" of your original name, "robbed" of growing up with family stories and of having your genetic family around you in the environment in which you grew up, giving a sense of belonging and of being rooted somewhere. It happens to all of us who were adopted, and for years we fantasise about who or where we might have been had we not been adopted, but we have no real information on which to base these fantasies. When we actually meet members of our birth family, it seems to start off a whole new series of thoughts and fantasies, which this time are more involved, detailed and which, I believe, reach us at a deeper level, as we are now aware of the family we would/should have grown up with had our and their circumstances been different.

You have had a lot to take on board very rapidly. I think we have probably all experienced that emotional overload feeling and I'm not at all surprised you feel "mixed up" - I think that is 100% normal for your situation, and even more so given the speed at which everything has happened for you. Give yourself the emotional space to think about things, try to process what is going on - not always easy when real life has to continue throughout. Accept it to be an emotional rollercoaster and don't be hard on yourself.
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Re: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby newman12 » Tue Jun 21, 2011 12:17 pm

thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me and to share your thoughts, it is very much appreciated, and I have taken all your comments on board.
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Re: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby matt66 » Sat Jun 25, 2011 2:49 pm

Can I ask what the website was from which you initially made contact with your Birth Family.
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Re: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby newman12 » Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:08 pm

Hi it was on the Missing You website
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Re: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

Postby matt66 » Sat Jun 25, 2011 10:21 pm

Thanks
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