Telling my parents I found my birth mother.

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Telling my parents I found my birth mother.

Postby becs1975 » Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:08 pm

Hello, I'm new to ths forum, and could do with some advice.

Last friday, after years of half-heartedly looking for my birth mother, I struck gold, on Facebook. I messaged a lady with my birth surname, asking if she had a relative called Catherine ( my birth mother). Anyway, to cut a long story short, she told me her husband had an aunt catherine, so her husband is my cousin. We talked on the phone, and I explained who I was. Turns out I was known about. My cousin seems like such a nice guy, and told me I have loads of cousins, and that he's really pleased I got in touch and would love to meet, which we are doing this sunday.

They told another aunty, who is closest to my birth mother, and she told my birth mother I had made contact. I'm told she was tearful and excited, and would love to meet me. So far, the responses I've had have been even better than I could ever have dreamed of. I feel like I'm finally going to be getting some closure. Even just to see a photo of her, to put a face to this mysterious person I've dreamed about since i was a little girl, I can't find adequate words to describe.

My problem is this- I was going to keep it quiet from my adoptive parents, but I feel like I should be honest with them. But I'm so scared it will hurt them, or change our relationship. They have been the best parents ever, even though i was the teenager from hell, we are close now. But I feel I have to do this. I'm 35 now, she's nearly 60. I just really want this, but don't want to hurt them.

Should I tell them? How should I tell them?

In such turmoil here, never had such bad butterflies in my tummy!
becs1975
 
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Postby Highland Lassie1 » Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:30 pm

Hi Becs, congratulations on finding your birth family, it's amazing isn't it. I have recently been in touch with mine, had a very very rocky start but all coming good now and have met one of my sisters, hoping to meet my bm sometime in the next few weeks.

Like you I have struggled with the thoughts about telling my a.parents. My dad and I are incredibly close but mum and I totally clash although we do love each other, just in our own weird ways.

I told my brother last week (he is my a.parents bio child) and after a chat with him, I have decided not to tell my a.parents yet. My brother suggested waiting until after I meet, he reckons I have enough anxiety and emotions to deal with just now and maybe just see how things pan out over the next wee while, he also said "do they need to know at all". My a.mum is 67 and a.dad is 69.

I feel like I am being disloyal and I'm struggling with keeping this from them but I just honestly don't know how they would take the news, my adoption has never been spoken about. I think my dad might feel hurt but wouldn't show it, and as for mum....hmmm that's difficult. But I think my brother is right for just now and he and my sis in law are giving me their full support in whatever I decide to do and understand why I did this and had to follow my heart.

It really depends on how you think your a.parents but I guess none of us know for sure how they would feel.

So I haven't really been much help have I..... :D But good luck with whatever you decide to do!

HL x
Adopted at 8wks, now 41. Made contact with BM June 2010, met one sister on Saturday 28th Aug 2010, met BM on 20th October 2010, met other sister on December 2010. Now trying to establish contact with BF.
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Postby sarah 1971 » Tue Jan 04, 2011 6:32 pm

Hi Becs,
Can I ask-did you ever tell your a.parents, how did they react?
I am just in the same situation as you are and it is so hard to keep secrets but at the same time I really do not think I could ever tell me a.parents that I have found and amin touch with my b.mum. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place so would love to hear your story.
Sarah x
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Postby becs1975 » Tue Jan 04, 2011 7:14 pm

Hi, yes it's been all go since I last posted.

I've now met my birth mother, and an aunt, and a cousin. Bm was overjoyed I'd made contact. Basically, her dad wouldn't let her keep me, then she was told I had died. Not sure how that happened. She has had a hard life, all stemming from giving me away. She's not had any more children, after having me she suffered a miscarriage, then an eptopic, so was later sterilised.

Decided to tell my adoptive parents-honesty being the best policy. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. Adoptive mum was tearful, but they understood my reasons. My adoptive dad, I feel, would find it fascinating to get involved, but my A mum has said she will never meet B mum, and so I've left it that if they want to know anything, all they need do is ask.

The trouble is, I now have a B mother, who wants to be a big part of my life, and I'm just not sure how much i want her in my life. M

And, much to my surprise, I feel nothing for her. I mean, she's nice, and I like her, but there's no bond, no spark, well, not for me. I've only cried once. It's all a bit odd.

I wonder wether I was best leaving things as they were.
becs1975
 
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Location: Hants

Postby sarah 1971 » Wed Jan 05, 2011 6:43 pm

Hi,
Thanks for getting back to me.
What a difficult time for your bm, I am sure she is thrilled to bits that you have got in touch and I can see how she will love to keep up the relationship. From what you say that will be the issue for you know-how much do you keep her in your life, its a difficult one.
I can imagine how hard it was to tell your a.parents, have they talked more about it? Mine have never really spoken about my background, on the few occasions my a.mum has said that if I ever want to know anything just ask but other than that it is never mentioned. I fully agree that honesty is the best policy but for me I don't know what I would gain by telling them, although at the moment I do feel like I am being deceitful and thats quite hard to bear. I cant see a time when I would ever tell them.
Its strange that you say you dont feel any bond. When I saw the photos of my bm I thought I would feel very emotional but it was almost an anti-climax, to me she is just another person. But when I read her letters I feel a bond, but then I think I am looking for something that is not there.
Anyway this was about your experience and not for me to take over your thread!!!!
You say you wonder if you were best leaving things as they were but I do believe that you would always have wondered and whilst you dont feel as you thought you would towards your bm at least you have done all that you can. Its like a roller coaster though, once your on the ride you cant get off!
Thanks again and good luck with everything.
Sarah x
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