positives and negativies on types of contact

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positives and negativies on types of contact

Postby juliea » Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:35 pm

I am a birth mother and I am searching for my birth daughter. I am looking for advice from both adoptees and birth parents on searching/ locating birth family. The positives and negatives on direct contact and that of using an intermediary. Was it more traumatic receiving a letter direct from a birth parent/adoptee? Did the intermediary service help?

As I feel I have only one chance to get this right, I would really like to listen to other peoples opinions. I keep going backwards and forwards on this. I have already sent one letter direct to her home address however, she moved and I just don't have the courage at the moment to re-send, doubting if this is the right approach.
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Postby lilit » Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:57 am

Hi Julie

I would have been mortified if my bmum had contacted me directly. Only speaking for myself here, but I would have felt like I was being stalked and my privacy invaded.

I think in the case of birth parents contacting children, it is better to use an intermediary (not so sure the other way round...).

To be directly contacted by a birth parent seems to me like too much pressure, whereas contact through an intermediary allows a safe distance for the adoptee to think about what they want - I think if I had been contacted directly I would have been very angry and frightened, especially since most adoptees have grown up believing that they COULD NOT be contacted by their birth family.

I don't want to upset anyone here and I'm not saying birth parents shouldn't trace, I just think they should go VERY carefully.

Hope that helps a bit Julie! Just my opinion. Good luck xx
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Postby Maisy » Wed Feb 04, 2009 12:26 pm

Hi Julie, I'm also an adoptee and I completely agree with everything Lilit has said. I have been contacted by a birth parent through an intermediary and I felt reassured that I had someone in the middle to help us both too. It would definitely have upset me if I had received direct contact. I would have felt it was already out of my hands because the BP could turn up at any time. Our intermediary acted very well as a go-between which helped with some misunderstandings. Although she was acting for me really, not my birth parent. Having said all that, we are not in contact at the moment.
Good Luck and I hope you get a good outcome.
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Postby Diane » Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:56 pm

I have to totally agree being an adoptee myself with the above comments. Had my birth mother have ried to contact me direct I would have ran miles in the other direction. I would use an intermediary that way your daughter will feel safer.
Born July 1963 and Reunited January 1995.
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Postby juliea » Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:06 pm

Thank you very much for your replies.

I will take all this into consideration now. As she believes that I would not be able to trace her, then for me to approach her. Gosh, this is soo hard.

It was interesting the point that the intermediary worked really well for the adoptee, as I do not find they work with me at all. Maybe they are just very protective of the adoptees.

Thank you all again

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Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:53 pm

This is not one of those questions that can be answered easily, in my opinion - as it differs from case to case.

You have to bear in mind that intermediary services can actually hinder as well as help in certain situations - and many people simply are not comfortable with allowing a third party to get involved.

I believe that if a birth parent or adoptee approaches reunion (or possibility of it) in a calm and sensitive manner, making it clear that they aren't seeking to cause problems or to apply pressure, then generally that is enough.

The searcher (whoever they are) needs to realise that no means no however.
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