My Mum doesn't want to know me....need advice

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My Mum doesn't want to know me....need advice

Postby slg » Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:27 pm

I found my real Mum last week I made contact through a third person, he was pleased to hear from me unfortunatley my Mum was not as pleased she has told me to stop trying to find her & to stop bothering her friends...I don't know where to go from here wishing to respect her wishes i now feel lost...

I haven't told my adoped parents as only my father is alive he is 80 odd and wouldn't understand.

any advice would be great...

Sue :cry: :cry:
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Postby Wendy Gooley » Fri Sep 12, 2008 6:21 pm

hiya Sue sending a big (((hug))) your way. Sorry to hear your Bmum has reacted in this way. It maddens most Birthparents especially those searching, longing to one day be lucky enough to recieve that contact.

If its Any consolation hun and im sure its not but hey here goes her loss hun her loss.. We dont know what we got till its gone!!

Im a birthmum and would love to send a Birthmum hug your way hunny.

Tomorrow is another day hun smile and know that no matter what you are loved and no doubt had a lifetime of love from those who have had the pleasure to know you over the years.
special love an hugs xxxx
REUNITED!! Met With My Son 1-8-08!!!
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Wendy Gooley
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Fri Sep 12, 2008 7:14 pm

You don't say what form of contact this was.... I would suggest trying to get all your thoughts and feelings down on paper, and send them to her, if you possibly can.

A lot of birth relations feel uncomfortable with reunion for a variety of reasons, yet there are some who would / are delighted to get the chance.

She may be embarrassed or ashamed of her actions long ago, and you have to remember that adoption was once thought of as final, and nobody thought that all this tracing/reunion/reconciliation would take place!

I know it is hard, but try to empathize with her too. Write this letter as openly and honestly as you possibly can, and give her time to come to a conclusion. If she doesn't answer, I am afraid there is little you can do, but you will have at least given it all you can.

Good luck!
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Postby UaintSeenMe » Sat Nov 01, 2008 11:45 pm

As usual i will agree with John right up untill THIS bit:

j-h-g-5 wrote: I am afraid there is little you can do, but you will have at least given it all you can.

There is still a great deal you can do, it just depends on how badly you need your own closure on this issue and how much of an A**hole you are prepared to be to obtain it....

If i where in your shoes, I would also add a question to this letter that you write, asking WHY she doesnt want any form of contact.
If she fails to respond, or fails to give an adequate reason, then turn up on her doorstep and ask her face to face.

A letter, no matter how well written and detailed is still a very impersonal introduction, you may find her opinions on the matter change when she is confronted with it, face to face.

While this is what "I would do" i can also assure you that due to your mothers age now, i would also feel a large amount of guilt for going about it in this manner.

You need to wiegh up if the guilt is less of a burden than never ever knowing the true facts about your adoption or meeting the woman who gave you life.

Personaly, i can live with that kind of guilt, whats one more thing to feel guilty about after a lifetime of sin and horror :)
Adoption is the only trauma in the world where its victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.
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My Mother is just ignoring my letters...!! Help Need advice

Postby slg » Wed Nov 19, 2008 11:45 am

Thanks to everyone who put a reply to my first posting I appreciated the advise & the hug!!!.. this is an update of whats been happening....

well i've sent a second letter to my Bmother telling her a little bit about my life, and asking her why she doesn't want any contact with me, i do not know where to go from here, the first letter i sent through a friend of hers who is being very helpful, the second letter i sent direct to her address as he had said to me that she is very private i thought this might help, anyway i have not had a reply to either of my letters, i have thought about turning up at her doorstep but this isn't the way i wanted the contact to be forged, i had hoped that she would have been at least a bit intrested in me...i feel very rejected (for a second time)...

May be i have to move on and forget about her BUT how can you do that when all your life its the dream i've always had, that one day we would be firends...

am I being to sentimental? i don't know all i know is that i am hurt and feeling rather angry....

I must say i have made it as plain as i could that i want nothing more that to exchange letters...and to see where that takes us....

A sad Sue :cry: :cry:
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Postby ladyarcher » Wed Nov 19, 2008 3:11 pm

I am guessing that as your adoptive father is 80, then probably your birth mother is at least well in her seventies, which would make you perhaps around fifty+. Sorry if I am getting it all wrong.
If your b.mother is in her late seventies chances are that she will have been told to think of you as dead when she gave you up. This was the 'kindly' advice given to many girls at that time. She would also have been told that there was no way you could ever find her, or she find you, and that her 'shame' would thus be forever hidden. Remember that word 'shame' this is truly what many felt, or were made to feel. We all know this, but it is very difficult to actually imagine what it would have felt like. This feeling is probably what has stayed with her all the years. Her friend telling you that she is a very private person, could be pointing to this sort of mindset.

Has she married and had subsequent children? If so, the guilt and fear are going to be even greater, as they and any husband, may not know her past.

You will have to decide what you really want out of a contact. If it is truly a 'dream that you can be friends' I think you have to try to be a bit more realistic. Friendship and trust take years, and it is time you have not had together, and will not, most likely, get either, given her age.

If what you really want is information about her, or more likely your birth father, and the circumstances that led to your being available for adoption - then do as Uaintseenme suggests, and ask for answers from her personally on the doorstep. You may get them, you may get the door shut in your face, you may find that suddenly you are not the frightening 'blast from the past' she has been dreading all her life and that she will talk to you.

Good luck
born 1944
adopted 1946
reunited with b.mother 1972, and other relatives over the years.
Still seeking full sister- birth named Jennifer Ann, born 22nd Sept. 1945
and adopted separately.
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Postby slg » Mon Nov 24, 2008 1:27 pm

I am 46yrs old my B Mother was only 19yrs old when she had me so she would be around 68yrs so you were very close...

My Bmothers partner died a few years ago, i also understand that she doesn't have any other children...but then her friend didn't know about me until she asked him to find out who it was looking for her, he has told me that she is very private and is quiet a difficult person, she had a rotten start in life and is very proud, sounds darft but when i received my adopton file i was amazed at how much alike we were....

I just don't know what to do from here i really don't think going up and having a face to face with her is going to do any good at all...even though i feel at times that this is what i want to... i don't want to argue with her i wish to get to know her....

Sue :(
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Postby Daisy » Sat Jul 25, 2009 12:22 am

Sue, I just looked back at your story. I see you say your mother didn't have any more children. In that case your situation is different to mine. It's very sad that your mother doesn't seem to want contact. I imagine she feels a lot of shame. It's a great pity if that will stop her getting to know you, since from what you say she seems to be alone. Maybe you can continue to write to her and just be reassuring and not too deep about things - I mean give her the impression you're ok and you just feel it would be positive if you had contact. I'm not sure if that's possible cos I can't remember all the details. But where there's life there's hope, as they say.
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Postby tony » Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:26 pm

Slg, I'd say forget her. Have you a family and friends? Focus on them. These are the people that love you now and without wanting to sound cruel they matter more than a person who popped you out. Honestly, the people in your life have stuck with you because they love you and want to be with you. They DO matter more.
I hope this doesn't sound cruel or blunt, and I do honestly feel for you in this.
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