please read help and advice needed

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please read help and advice needed

Postby skyeblu2008 » Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:52 pm

hi all. iam new to this site. i have come looking for advice. iam 20 years of age i have 3 young children ages 3yrs 2yrs and 8mnths. My marriage just recently broke down due to domestic violence to myself and the children. After my marriage broke down i couldnt stop crying and was in a dark place a friend offered me support and we ended up sleepin together he #### me he was wearing protection only for me to find out afterwards he wasn't how could i have been so stupid? now i have found out iam pregnant and its my friends whom i maistakenly slept with. he told me he wanted this all along. although i dnt want to be with him i do not love him he is a friend. my mum and siblings are now forcing me to be with him and he is getting very obsessive keeps ringing me txtn and writing me letters. i dnt know what to do as i feel really down at the moment in a dark whole i cnt get out i love my kids so much but is it fair to bring in another child that im nt even sure i want. is it fair bringing a child into my lil family knowin there is a chance i could resent it. how will this effect my other kids they have been through so much as it wasnt just me affected by this domestic violence it was them. is adoption the right thing to do for the baby and my children. can anyone help me please im scared and lost and just need guidance. thanks x
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Postby skyeblu2008 » Thu Aug 21, 2008 8:05 pm

just to clarify i dont wish to give up my 3 children i have now. I mean should i carry on with this pregnancy that i have now. i just think would it affect my kids in a good or bad way what is best? i just dont want to end up hurting this baby or the fact im havin this baby affect my children. i just dont know what to do anymore i do not believe in abortion there for this is why iam in this situtaion. i just want the baby and my kids to have a happy life full of love and the best life and im not sure i can give it to this baby will i be ok or will i fail?
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Thu Aug 21, 2008 8:29 pm

You say you don't believe in abortion... perhaps you have already answered your own question.

Nobody can say if you will succeed or fail - nobody can ever say that in any situation as we are not blessed with a crystal ball or the benefit of hindsight, but I am sure that you will do your utmost, and nobody could ask or expect any more than that.

Good luck.
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Postby ladyarcher » Thu Aug 21, 2008 11:27 pm

Skyeblu, my heart goes out to you,,,,,,,,,, you are so young to already have so much responsibility for three young lives, and now a fourth........

....It is wrong of your mother to push this other friend at you, but perhaps she is thinking it will be better than being alone..... It isn't,......... a 'wrong' relationship is never better than being alone, as you already know from getting yourself out of the violent one.......

Have you somewhere to live, or have you had to go back to live at home with your mother and siblings.........a priority would be having somewhere that you are not obliged to your family - or this other friend - for, so go to Citizens advice and find out what you might be entitled to,......... also you could go to the people who run your nearest Womens' Refuge, they will also be able to give you good advice especially if you are trying to avoid your previous partner........they can help even if you do not actually need to live at the Refuge..........

With regard to the new little one, remember that you are already a successful mother to three, and having four will not be that much different as you are already in the habit of arranging your life round them.....

If you do decide to have this one adopted, be aware that your three year old will know what is going on, and will ask perpetual awkward questions as it will be four by the time you have the new one, and it is not easy to fool a four year old.....

.......No-one can or should be allowed to decide for you, what to do about the little one, but you should be quite sure that it is not your former partners child, and also if you are quite sure about this, think about the effect having it adopted will have on its father. ........... He could be very upset, ..........he could be very difficult about it,.......... he could be marvellous, even if you do not want him as a partner...........also think about the long term, if you keep the little one, you will always have this friend in your life too.....

I think you sound a very good Mum.........don't do anything in a hurry or panic, that you cannot undo later when your mind is clearer........if you want any other help ........feel free to send me a pm.......
a rather old adoptee who is also a mother of five, and a gran.
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Postby titch » Fri Aug 22, 2008 8:44 am

Hi Skyeblu,
I agreed with Ladyarcher, I too am amazed with your familys' actions, especially knowing what you have been through.
This is just another option, if the father is so keen would he bring his own child up without you? Just a thought.
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Postby ladyarcher » Fri Aug 22, 2008 11:14 am

Hi Titch......don't you just wish you could gather up all these frightened girls and help them get through the times that they are so vulnerable. I remember well how alone I felt when my first marriage collapsed and I was left with two very young boys. ......and I had supportive parents, and plenty of good friends, several of which had me to stay for long periods while all the difficult bits of dismantling a home went on..........paperwork for one thing, visiting solicitors, court appearances, decisions about access and maintenance on the one side,............then the heartbreaking bit of packing up possessions...........working out what belonged to whom, and handling things that had been bought with pleasure and looking forward to a bright future together...........answering the childrens' questions...............trying to stop parents worrying and their understandably wanting to make decisions for me.............and I was nearly 30...........

Poor Skyeblu.......... much too young at the moment to be able to see that years ahead things will have worked out.........they always do in the end, though the end may seem a long time coming.........too young to have the experience of years to look back on........

Keep thinking of one thing at a time Skyeblu........set each day for a specific task to think about and do something about. Its like housework, if you look at the whole house and garden, its just too much, but if you divide it into little bits to organise and control, then it becomes manageable. ......

.... So each day just do one sort of task,.......... deciding who you need to see and 'phoning for appointments for example,..... another day keep that particular appointment having made a list of things you need to ask and writing down the answers when you get them. Another day, say 'this day is for the children', take them to the park or playground or whatever is a nice thing for all of you to you see, keep everything you can in compartments, so they are controllable, and you then won't feel swamped by trying to think of everything at once.

.......and above all be very kind to are not a bad person, you will know that you have made mistakes, but don't let them rule your thoughts, say 'oh sh..t, I got that wrong, how can I turn it into something good?' you can, you know, everything that happens to you, you can use to learn and grow, and you can look back, and say 'I dealt with that and survived - so I can deal with the next thing too '.....

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thanks for the replies

Postby skyeblu2008 » Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:22 pm

hi all i havn't been onjline much recently as im on holiday with the kids visiting relatives in scotland. answer to the previous post yes i have a flat i have a 2 bed upstairs cottage flat which we are all crammed into.sometimes i feel so smothered i go out to my mums to get out as i dnt have many friends thanks to my ex also partly because he cheated with my best mate. I'm just stuck in a rut. i would not want the father to bring up the child on his own. he is not allowed to see his son from previous relationship and i have to question as to why. i believed him in what he said until he started gettin really obsessive after i agreed to try and develop feelings for him like my mum wanted. I let my son see his father (my husband) on his birthday 17th aug under guidelines from domestic violence team that a friend should supervise. he came back with bruising his leg distinct as to that of someone grabbing him by force( the bruises were of fingerprints). i informed my dvw and she said to contact social services which i did reluctantly as i did not like my previous experiences of them from being in foster care several times as a child. and they basically accused me then brushed it off as just something that happens children get bruises all the time from playing. however they ahve rung me whilst im on holiday and said that social services situated where iam on holiday will have to come out as a matter of urgencey to check on the children after what i rang them and said . why i ask since it was not me that hurt my child hence why i rang. im now worried howvere as my son has been jumping about on the bed and hit his head so now im panickin they think i have hurt him since they are already accusin me of doin so. On tp of this i have my friend tellin me that the right thing to do is have an abortion which i am against she said she will ring me tomo with the appointment and also i have to get sterilsied at the same time. so right now im lost as to what to do now as it feels like im pleasing everyone. and there is no room for me anymore. can i really do this? bring four children up on my own with everyone pullin me in diff directions and neither wanting to talk to me until i do what they wnt? sorry to ramble on i just feel so lost and confused. from jade aka skyeblu2008
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Postby Trace40 » Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:44 pm

You have to do what is right for YOU and no-one else.

Please dont let anyone rail road you into doing something you might regret for the rest of your life.

I really feel for you as it must be a really difficult time for you having to decide whats best for your children and you but take the time to think things through as much as possible and dont rush into anything.

You're only young to have 3 children already but giving a child up for adoption isnt an easy option. You will think about that child for the rest of your life and wonder how its growing and what its doing.

You have to do whats best for you and not what everyone else wants you to do.

Good luck with whatever choice you make and remember theres always someone here to chat to if you need to get things off your chest.
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Postby julie of liverpool » Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:04 am

my heart goes out to you, what alot you have to cope with, all i can say is be 100% sure what you do concerning adoption as you cant change your mind after the 6th month period. even if you did change your mind before 6 months you may have problems getting the baby back,womens refuge are very good, maybe you need some counciling, i find if iv got a problem ill talk talk talk and talk some more about it the more i talk the clearer things become,(i have a very patiant hubby). i think its wrong people trying to tell you what to do thi is your life and only you can make the final decisions about it, advice is always welcomed but not critisism or teling you what to do.
there must be some one some wher who can help you, an organisation i mean, maybe someone on here can recomend somewhere.
does gingerbread still run groups , i know they did years ago.

you have a great way of writing things down and give some great advice,

keep in touch let us know how yeh getting on.
take care of yehself ((((hugs))))
found twin daughters 2006 rejected by them, if you see this please get in touch xxx
Reunited with birth brother 2005 after 33 long years. found with the help of after adoption.
julie of liverpool
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